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Monthly Archives: December 2014
“God highly exalted Him, and bestowed on Him the name which is above every name . . . that every tongue should confess that Jesus Christ is Lord” (Philippians 2:9, 11).
The Real Women
MARTHA STEWART
If you accidentally over-salt a dish while it’s still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant “fix-me-up.”
Real Women
If you over-salt a dish while you are cooking, that’s too damn bad. Please recite with me, The Real Women’s motto: “I made it and you will eat it and I don’t care how bad it tastes.”
MARTHA STEWART
Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.
Real Women
Take a lime, mix it with tequila, chill and drink. You might still have the headache, but who cares?
MARTHA STEWART
Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.
Real Women
Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete’s sake. You are probably lying on the couch, with your feet up, eating it anyway.
MARTHA STEWART
To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.
Real Women
Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix and keep it in the pantry for up to a year.
MARTHA STEWART
When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won’t be any white mess on the outside of the cake.
Real Women
Go to the bakery. They’ll even decorate it for you.
MARTHA STEWART
Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish.
Real Women
The Mrs. Smith frozen pie directions do not include brushing egg whites over the crust, so I just don’t do it.
MARTHA STEWART
If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non slip grip that makes opening jars easy.
Real Women
Go ask the very cute neighbor to do it.
MARTHA STEWART
Don’t throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.
Real Women
Leftover wine??
Water At The State Department
An Afghanistan diplomat visiting the US for the first time was being wined and dined by the State Department. The diplomat was not used to the salt in American foods (French fries, cheeses, salami, anchovies, etc.) and was constantly sending his manservant Abdul to fetch him a glass of water.
Time and again, Abdul would scamper off and return with a glass of water, but then came the time when he returned empty handed. “Abdul, you son of an ugly camel, where is my water?” demanded the diplomat.
“A thousand pardons, O Illustrious One,” stammered the wretched Abdul,
“A man is sitting on the well!”
GOD IS LIKE………
A fifth grade teacher in a Christian school asked her class to look at TV commercials and see if they could use them in some way to communicate ideas about God. Here are some of the results:
BAYER ASPIRIN
He works miracles.
a FORD
He’s got a better idea.
COKE
He’s the real thing.
HALLMARK CARDS
He cares enough to send His very best.
TIDE
He gets the stains out that others leave behind.
GENERAL ELECTRIC
He brings good things to life.
SEARS
He has everything.
ALKA-SELTZER
Try him, you’ll like Him.
SCOTCH TAPE
You can’t see him, but you know He’s there.
DELTA
He’s ready when you are.
ALLSTATE
You’re in good hands with Him.
VO-5 Hair Spray
He holds through all kinds of weather.
DIAL SOAP
Aren’t you glad you have Him. Don’t you wish everybody did.
the U.S. POST OFFICE
Neither rain, nor snow, nor sleet nor ice will keep Him from His appointed destination.
Sign on front of a business establishment
A sign at a business establishment in Philadelphia, PA:
“WE WOULD RATHER DO BUSINESS WITH 1000 AL QAEDA TERRORISTS THAN WITH ONE
SINGLE AMERICAN”
This sign was prominently displayed in the window of a business in
Philadelphia. You are probably outraged at the thought of such an
inflammatory statement. One would think that anti-hate groups from all
across the country would be marching on this business… And that the
National Guard might have to be called to keep the angry crowds back. But,
perhaps in these stressful times one might be tempted to let the proprietors
simply make their statement . . . We are a society who holds Freedom of
Speech as perhaps our greatest liberty . . . And after all, it is just a
sign.
You may ask what kind of business would dare post such a sign? Look
below..
Answer: A Funeral Home
The Definition of PMS …
The Hormone Hostage knows that there are days in the month
when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life
in his hands. This is a handy guide that should be as common as
a driver’s license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, or
significant other.
DANGEROUS: What’s for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?
DANGEROUS: Are you wearing THAT?
SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown.
SAFEST: Wow! Look at you!
DANGEROUS: What are you SO worked up about?
SAFER: Could we be overreacting?
SAFEST: Here’s fifty dollars.
DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?
AND MY PERSONAL FAVORITE . . . . .
DANGEROUS: What did you DO all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn’t overdo it today.
SAFEST: I’ve always loved you in that robe.
The definition of PMS……..Pack My Suitcase
Change a bulb
Q: How many women with PMS does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One! ONLY ONE!!!! And do you know WHY? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb! They don’t even know that the bulb is BURNED OUT!! They would sit in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it out. And, once they figured it out, they wouldn’t be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they’ve been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past 17 YEARS! But if they did, by some miracle of God, actually find them 2 DAYS LATER, the chair they dragged to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!!!!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE WRAPPER THE STUPID LIGHT BULBS CAME IN!!! BECAUSE NO ONE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!!! IT’S A WONDER WE HAVEN’T ALL SUFFOCATEDFROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE A FOOT DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY! TO CLEAN THIS HOUSE!
I’m sorry…. What did you ask me?
Why We Love Our Kids
I was driving with my three young children one warm
summer evening when a
woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and
waved. She was stark naked!
As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my
five-year-old shout from the
back seat, “Mom! That lady isn’t wearing a seat
belt!”
My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the
bathroom to tell me he’d dropped
his toothbrush in the toilet. So I fished it out and
threw it in the garbage.
Zachary stood there thinking for a moment, then ran
to my bathroom and came
out with my toothbrush. He held it up and said with
a charming little smile,
“We better throw this one out too then, ’cause it
fell in the toilet a few
days ago.”
On the first day of school, a first grader handed
his teacher a note from his
mother. The note read, “The opinions expressed by
this child are not
necessarily those of his parents.”
A woman was trying hard to get the catsup to come
out of the jar. During
her struggle the phone rang so she asked her four-
year old daughter to
answer the phone. “It’s the minister, Mommy,” the
child said to her mother.
Then she added, “Mommy can’t come to the phone to
talk to you right now.
She’s hitting the bottle.”
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself
in the women’s locker
room. When he was spotted, he room burst into
shrieks, with ladies grabbing
towels and running for cover. The little boy watched
in amazement and then
asked, “What’s the matter haven’t you ever seen a
little boy before?”
POLICE # 1
While taking a routine vandalism report at an
elementary school, I was
interrupted by a little girl about six years old.
Looking up and down at my
uniform, she asked, “Are you a cop?” “Yes,” I
answered and continued writing
the report. “My mother said if I ever needed help I
should ask the police.
Is that right?” “Yes, that’s right,” I told her.
“Well, then,” she said as
she extended her foot toward me, “would you please
tie my shoe?”
POLICE # 2
It was the end of the day when I parked my police
van in front of the
station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner,
Jake, was barking, and I
saw a little boy staring in at me. “Is that a dog
you got back there?” he
asked. “It sure is,” I replied. Puzzled, the boy
looked at me and then
towards the back of the van. Finally he said,
“What’d he do?”
ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers
lunches to elderly shut-ins,
I used to take my four-year-old daughter on my
afternoon rounds. She was
unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of
old age, particularly the
canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her
staring at a pair of
false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself
for the inevitable barrage
of questions, she merely turned and whispered, “The
tooth fairy will never
believe this!”
DRESS~UP
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a
party. When she saw her
dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, “Daddy, you
shouldn’t wear that suit.”
“And why not, darling?” “You know that it always
gives you a headache next
morning.”
DEATH
While walking along the sidewalk in front of his
church, our minister heard
the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar
wilt. Apparently, his
five-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead
robin. Feeling that
proper burial should be performed, they had secured
a small box and cotton
batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the
disposal of the deceased. The
minister’s son was chosen to say the appropriate
prayers and with sonorous
dignity intoned his version of what he thought his
father always said: “Glory
be unto the Faaaather. and unto the Sonnn….. and
into the hole he gooooes.”
SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of
school. “I’m just wasting
my time,” she said to her mother. “I can’t read, I
can’t write and they won’t
let me talk!”
BIBLE
A little boy opened the big family bible. He was
fascinated as he fingered
through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out
of the Bible. He picked
up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an
old leaf that had been
pressed in between the pages. “Mama, look what I
found”, the boy called out.
“What have you got there, dear”? With astonishment
in the young boy’s voice,
he answered, “I think it’s Adam’s underwear!”
Just a thought…
Budget:
A method for going broke methodically.
Willpower:
The ability to eat only one salted peanut.
Cigarette:
A pinch of tobacco, wrapped in paper, fire at one end, fool at the other.
Flashlight:
A case for holding dead batteries.
Taxpayer:
Someone who doesn’t have to take a public service exam to work for the government.
Consciousness:
That annoying time between naps.
Stress:
The confusion created when ones mind overrides the body’s basic desire to choke the living daylights out of some idiot who desperately needs it.
Jury:
Twelve people who determine which client has the better lawyer.
Chickens:
The only animals you eat before they are born and after they’re dead.
Hospitality:
Making your guests feel at home, even if you wish they were.
Adult:
A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.
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