Gee Mail

All that stuff that the grandparents forward….


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Actual newspaper ads

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 YEARS OLD. HATEFUL LITTLE DOG. BITES.
———————————-
FREE PUPPIES: 1/2 COCKER SPANIEL 1/2 SNEAKY NEIGHBOR’S DOG.
—————————–
FREE PUPPIES… PART GERMAN SHEPHERD, PART STUPID DOG.
——————————
GERMAN SHEPHERD 85 lbs. NEUTERED. SPEAKS GERMAN. FREE.
————————————-
FOUND: DIRTY WHITE DOG. LOOKS LIKE A RAT… BEEN OUT AWHILE…BETTER BE A REWARD.
———————————–
1 MAN, 7 WOMAN HOT TUB — $850/offer
—————————-
SNOW BLOWER FOR SALE… ONLY USED ON SNOWY DAYS.
——————————-
COWS, CALVES NEVER BRED… ALSO 1 GAY BULL FOR SALE.
——————————-
NORDIC TRACK $300 HARDLY USED, CALL CHUBBY.
————————————-
HUMMERS – LARGEST SELECTION EVER – “IF IT’S IN STOCK, WE HAVE IT!”
—————————————-
GEORGIA PEACHES, CALIFORNIA GROWN – 89 cents lb.
——————————————
NICE PARACHUTE: NEVER OPENED – USED ONCE.
—————————————–
TIRED OF WORKING FOR ONLY $9.75 PER HOUR? WE OFFER PROFIT SHARING
AND FLEXIBLE HOURS. STARTING PAY: $7 — $9 PER HR.
——————————————-
EXERCISE EQUIPMENT: QUEEN SIZE MATTRESS & BOX SPRINGS – $175.
——————————————-
JOINING NUDIST COLONY! MUST SELL WASHER &DRYER $300.
——————————————
ALZHEIMER’S CENTER PREPARES FOR AN AFFAIR TO REMEMBER.
——————————————-
OPEN HOUSE: BODY SHAPERS TONING SALON. FREE COFFEE & DONUTS.
————————————–
(AND THE BEST ONE)  FOR SALE BY OWNER: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000.00 or best offer. No longer needed. Got married last month. Wife knows everything


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Restroom humor

This is too funny not to send…….

I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying:
“Hi, how are you?”
I’m not the type to start a conversation in the men’s restrooms at a rest stop but, I don’t know what got into me, so I
answered, somewhat embarrassedly: “Doin Just Fine!”
And the other guy says: “So what are you up to?”
What kind of question is that? At that point, I’m thinking this is too bizarre so I say: “Uhhh I’m like you, just traveling
east!”
At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question.
“Can I come over to your place after while?”
Ok, this question is just wacky but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation.
I tell him, “Well, I have company over so today is a bad day for me!”
Then I hear the guy say nervously…

“LISTEN, I’ll have
to call you back.
There’s an idiot in the other stall who keeps
answering all my questions!”


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Maxine updated

After the Maxine jokes there is a summary on how she was created and a photo of her creator. More from the gal everyone loves and admires,

and you finally get to meet her creator at the end.

AFTER THAT THERE ARE NEW ONES NEVER SEEN BEFORE..


Hummmmmm! How True.

Creator
Of Maxine

John Wagner, Hallmark artist since 1970, says Maxine was inspired by his mother, his maiden aunts and his grandmother, the woman who bought him art lessons when ‘fill in the pumpkins’ was about the extent of his art classes at

St. John ‘s Catholic School in Leonia N.J.

John remembers doodling as a preschooler and says both his grandmother his mother encouraged his artistic interests. He eventually attended the Vesper George Schoolof Art
in Boston and landed at Hallmark as part of a new artists group.But it was the birth of the humorous Shoebox Greetings (a tiny little division of Hallmark) in 1986 that added a new dimension to John ‘s professional life. The Shoebox way of seeing the world unleashed

his talents and he created Maxine.

Why the name ‘Maxine’? ‘People at Shoebox started referring to the character as ‘ John Wagner’s old lady,’ and I knew that would get me into trouble with my wife,’ John says.

The Shoebox team had a contest among themselves to name the character and three of the approximately 30 entries suggested ‘Maxine’. John says the name is perfect.

John , who says he’s humbled by such acceptance of Maxine, admits he’s proud of her.

Now you know the story of how Maxine came to be.

SOME NEW MAXINES !
I haven’t seen these before. Good ones.


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A world without lawy ers?

AMBULANCE CHASING LAWYERS THREATEN LEGAL ACTION
IF ACCIDENT VICTIM REFUSES TO SUE
By Flash Gorman

New York, NY – The American legal system was thrown into turmoil yesterday
when a man decided not to go ahead with a legal claim. Carl Burgess from
New York was involved in a road traffic accident early last month and
initially was going to sue for damages. Said Carl “The lawyer guy seemed to
think it was a good idea and I was kinda impressed at the way he’d run four
blocks behind the ambulance, so I gave him the go ahead.”

So far a typical American story, but events took a bizarre turn when Carl
decided to drop his case. “I thought about it for a while and decided it
wasn’t worth making a claim. I only had a few bruises and my car took a
couple of dents. I thought that if I claimed then I would be pushing
everyone else’s premiums up and that just wouldn’t be fair. I’ve knocked
most of the dents out my car, so I reckon it’s time to move on”.

Unsurprisingly Carl’s decision has been heavily criticized by the American
legal system. A spokesman from, top US law firm, Shyster and Dodge made the
following comments.

“Whilst we appreciate Mr Burgess’ right to change his mind, we are worried
that this may be the thin end of the wedge for the American legal
profession.” explained the commentator.

“People have to appreciate that lawyers need to make a living and without
easy pickings like auto accidents, some firms may be unable to survive. I
don’t wish to alarm people unnecessarily but in a worst case scenario we
could be looking at a world without lawyers. And I think I can safely say
that no-one wants to see that.”

Mindful of this worrying prospect, lawyers are working to pass a new Bill
through Congress. Under this proposed legislation, lawyers would be able to
pursue a claim of behalf of a plaintiff without the plaintiff’s permission
being given. This legislation could only be applied where there “is a clear
and present danger that the lawyers revenue would be adversely affected by
the claim being dropped.”


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More Humor

QUICKIES
Did you hear about the tragedy in College Station? In the largest
shopping mall, there was a terrible power outage. People were
stuck on the escalators for 4 hours.
............................................................
Q: Why can't you tell Aggies knock knock jokes?
A: because they interrupt to go and answer the door.

==========

HOW MANY ... TO CHANGE A LIGHTBULB

A lawyer's answer to the question:
Answer: Such number as may be deemed necessary to perform the
stated task in a timely and efficient manner within the stricture
of the following agreement: Whereas the party of the first part,
also known as 'Lawyer,' and the party of the second part, also
known as 'Lightbulb,' do hereby and forthwith agree to a
transaction wherein the party of the second part (Lightbulb) shall
be removed from the current position. The aforementioned removal
transaction shall include, but not limited to, the following steps:
(1) The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without
elevation at his option, by means of a chair, step stool, ladder,
or any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part
(Lightbulb) and rotate the party of the second part (Lightbulb) in
a counter-clockwise direction, this point being nonnegotiable.
(2) Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part
(Lightbulb) becomes separated from the party of the third part
(Receptacle),the party of the first part(Lawyer) shall have the
option of disposing of the party of the second part (Lightbulb) in
a manner consistent with all applicable state, local and federal
statutes.

==========

Double Negatives
Professor: Although in modern English the double negative is usually
taken to mean an affirmative, in many linguistic contexts the double
negative is an intensified negative, as the double affirmative is
"always" an intensified affirmative. There is no known case of a double
affirmative being used as a negative.

Student: Yeah, right.

==========

I was having lunch with my nine-year-old son, when the waitress came by
to ask if we wanted a drink. "I'll have a decapitated coffee," my son
said in all seriousness. The waitress smiled and poured him a cup.

Not to be outdone, she later returned with the coffeepot a few minutes
later and said, "Can I put a head on that for you?"

==========

Government Pipe Specifications
1. All pipe is to be made of a long hole, surrounded by metal or plastic
centered around the hole.

2. All pipe is to be hollow throughout the entire length - do not use holes
of different length than the pipe.

3. The I.D. (inside diameter) of all pipe must not exceed the O.D.
(outside diameter) - otherwise the hole will be on the outside.

4. All pipe is to be supplied with nothing in the hole so that water, steam
or other stuff can be put inside at a later date.

5. All pipe should be supplied without rust - this can be more readily
applied at the job site.
N.B. Some Vendors are now able to supply pre-rusted pipe. If available in
your area, this product is recommended as it will save a lot of time on the
job site.

6. All pipe over 500 ft (153m) in length should have the words "long pipe"
clearly painted on each end, so the Contractor will know it is a long pipe.

7. Pipe over 2 miles (3.2 km) in length must have the words "very long
pipe" painted in the middle, so the Contractor will not have to walk the
entire length of the pipe to determine whether or not it is a long pipe or a
very long pipe.

8. All pipe over 6" (152 mm) in diameter must have the words "large pipe"
painted on it, so the Contractor will not mistake it for small pipe.

9. Flanges must be used on all pipe. Flanges must have holes for bolts
quite separate from the big hole in the middle.

10. When ordering 90 degrees, 45 degrees or 30 degrees elbow, be sure to
specify right hand or left hand; otherwise you will end up going the wrong
way.

11. Be sure to specify to your vendor whether you want level, uphill or
downhill pipe. If you use downhill pipe for going uphill, the water will
flow the wrong way.

12. All couplings should have either right hand or left hand thread, but do
not mix the threads - otherwise, as the coupling is being screwed on one
pipe, it is unscrewed from the other.

==========

During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an
unusual offer.

"Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you
get to me and the part where I'm to promise to 'love, honor and obey'
and 'forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever,' I'd appreciate
it if you'd just leave that part out." He passed the minister a $100
bill and walked away satisfied.

It is now the day of the wedding, and the bride and groom have moved to
that part of the ceremony where the vows are exchanged. When it comes
time for the groom's vows, the pastor looks the young man in the eye and
says:

"Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every
command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life
and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not
ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?"

The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "I do."

The groom then leaned toward the pastor and hissed, "I thought we had a
deal."

The pastor pressed the $100 bill into the groom's hand and whispered
back, "She made me a much better offer."


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NEW Barbie dolls

Finally a Barbie I can relate to. At long last, here are some NEW Barbie dolls to coincide with her and OUR aging gracefully. These are a bit more realistic…

1. Bifocals Barbie. Comes with her own set of blended-lens fashion frames in six wild colors (half-frames too!), neck chain, and large-print editions of Vogue and Martha Stewart Living.

2. Hot Flash Barbie. Press Barbie’s bellybutton and watch her face turn beet red while tiny drops of perspiration appear on her forehead. Comes with handheld fan and tiny tissues.

3.. Facial Hair Barbie. As Barbie’s hormone levels shift, see her whiskers grow. Available with teensy tweezers and magnifying mirror.

4. Flabby Arms Barbie. Hide Barbie’s droopy triceps with these new,roomier-sleeved gowns. Good news on the tummy front, two-MuMus with tummy-support panels are included.

5. Bunion Barbie. Years of disco dancing in stiletto heels have definitely taken their toll on Barbie’s dainty arched feet. Soothe her sores with the pumice stone and plasters, then slip on soft terry mules.

6. No-More-Wrinkles Barbie. Erase those pesky crow’s-feet and lip lines with a tube of Skin Sparkle-Spackle, from Barbie’s own line of exclusive age-blasting cosmetics.

7. Soccer Mom Barbie. All that experience as a cheerleader is really paying off as Barbie dusts off her old high school megaphone to root for Babs and Ken, Jr.. Comes with minivan in robin-egg blue or white and cooler filled with doughnut holes and fruit punch.

8. Mid-life Crisis Barbie. It’s time to ditch Ken. Barbie needs a change, and Alonzo (her personal trainer) is just what the doctor ordered, along with Prozac. They’re hopping in her new red Miata and heading for the Napa Valley to open a B&B. Includes a real tape of “Breaking Up Is Hard to Do.”

9. Divorced Barbie. Sells for$ 199.99. Comes with Ken’s house, Ken’s car, and Ken’s boat.

10. Recovery Barbie. Too many parties have finally caught up with the ultimate party girl. Now she does Twelve Steps instead of dance steps. Clean and sober, she’s going to meetings religiously.. Comes with a little copy of The Big Book and a six-pack of Diet Coke.

11. Post-Menopausal Barbie. This Barbie wets her pants when she sneezes, forgets where she puts things, and cries a lot. She is sick and tired of Ken sitting on the couch watching the tube, clicking through the channels. Comes with Depends and Kleenex. As a bonus this year, the book “Getting In Touch with Your Inner Self” is included.


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Childbirth At Age 65

Childbirth at 65
(Too good not to pass on, Enjoy!)
With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 65-year-old friend of mine was able to give birth. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, I went to visit. ‘May I see the new baby?’ I asked
‘Not yet,’ She said ‘I’ll make coffee and we can visit for a while first.’ Thirty minutes had passed, and I asked, ‘May I see the new baby now?’ ‘No, not yet,’ She said.
After another few minutes had elapsed,
I asked again, ‘May I see the baby now?’
‘No, not yet,’ replied my friend.
Growing very impatient, I asked, ‘Well, when can I see the baby?’ ‘WHEN HE CRIES!’ she told me.
‘WHEN HE CRIES?’ I demanded.
‘Why do I have to wait until he CRIES?’
‘BECAUSE I FORGOT WHERE I PUT HIM,
O..K.?’


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Random Humor

LOGIC
In their nursing home, 3 elderly men are in the doctor’s office for a memory test.

The doctor asks the first man, “What is three times three?”

“274,” came the reply.

The doctor rolls his eyes and looks up at the ceiling, and says to the second man, “It’s your turn. What is three times three?”

“Tuesday,” replies the second man. The doctor shakes his head sadly, then asks the third man, “Okay, your turn. What’s three times three?”

“Nine,” says the third man.

“That’s great!” says the doctor. “How did you get that?”

“Simple,” he says, “just subtract 274 from Tuesday.”

==========

COMPUTER SAVVY
Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument
about who was better on his computer.
They had been going at it for days, and God was tired
of hearing all the bickering.
Finally, God said, “Cool it. I am going to set up a test which will take two hours and I will judge who does the
better job.”
So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and
typed away.
They moused. They did Excel spreadsheets. They wrote
reports in Word. They sent faxes. They sent e-mail. They
sent out e-mail with attachments. They downloaded & uploaded. They did some genealogy & Internet reports. They made
greeting cards. They did every known job & task.
But, ten minutes before time was up, lightning suddenly
flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, the rain poured,
and, of course, the electricity went off.
Satan stared at his blue blank screen and screamed in
every curse word known in the underworld.
Jesus just sighed.
The electricity finally flickered back on, and each of
them restarted their computers.
Satan started searching frantically screaming, “It’s
gone! It’s all gone! I lost everything when the power went out!” Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all his files from the past two hours.
Satan observed this and became even more irate. “Wait!
He cheated! How did he do it?”
God shrugged and said, “Jesus saves.”

==========

Proud to be a Baptist

A few years ago, there was a news story on the radio about a Baptist church that had a problem with the Methodists down
the street.
Some Baptists were unable to find a space in their
own parking lot because members of the nearby Methodist
church, which met earlier in the morning, got there first.
So the Baptist church had a problem.
Now they could have towed the Methodists’ cars away.
Or they could have patrolled their lot Sunday mornings.
Or they could have written a letter to the offending
church members, imploring them to park elsewhere,
but they didn’t.
Instead, they used bumper stickers.
One Sunday morning they stuck a bumper sticker
to every car in the lot — Baptist and Methodist alike.
The sticker read: “I’M PROUD TO BE A BAPTIST!”
No more parking lot problems.

==========

A REAL PROBLEM (Another Blond Joke))

An airline captain was breaking in a very pretty new blond stewardess. The route they were flying had a stay-over in
another city. Upon their arrival the captain showed the
stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop, and stay overnight.

The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day’s route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He
knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up
wondering what happened to her.

She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn’t get out of her room.

“You can’t get out of your room?” the captain asked, “Why
not?”

The stewardess replied, “There are only three doors in here,” she sobbed. “One is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says ‘Do Not Disturb’!”

==========

THE CLASS OF 2013
Just in case you weren’t feeling old enough today, this
will certainly change things. Each year the staff at Beloit
College in Wisconsin puts together a list to try to give
the Faculty a sense of the mindset of this year’s
incoming freshman.
The students who are started college last fall across the nation were primarily born in 1983.
Here a recent list:

They have no meaningful recollection of the Reagan Era
and probably did not know he had ever been shot.
They were prepubescent when the Persian Gulf War
was waged.
There has been only one Pope in their lifetime.
They were 10 when the Soviet Union broke apart and
do not remember the Cold War.
They are too young to remember the space shuttle
blowing up.
Tianamen Square means nothing to them.
Bottle caps have always been screw off and plastic.
Atari predates them, as do vinyl albums.
The statement “You sound like a broken record”
means nothing to them.
They have never owned a record player.
They have likely never played Pac Man and have
never heard of Pong.
They may have never heard of an 8 track.
The Compact Disc was introduced when they were
1 year old.
They have always had an answering machine.
Most have never seen a TV set with only 13 channels,
nor have they seen a black and white TV.
They have always had cable.
There have always been VCRs, but they have no idea
what BETA was.
They cannot fathom not having a remote control.
They don’t know what a cloth baby diaper is, or know
about the “Help me, I’ve fallen and I can’t get up”
commercial.
They were born the year that Walkmen were
introduced by Sony.
Roller skating has always meant inline for them.
Michael Jackson has always been white.
Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight Show.
They have no idea when or why Jordache jeans were
cool.
Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave.
They have never seen Larry Bird play.
They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.
The Vietnam War is as ancient history to them as
W.W.I, W.W.II and the Civil War.
They have no idea that Americans were ever held
hostage in Iran.
They can’t imagine what hard contact lenses are.
They don’t know who Mork was or where he was from.
(The correct answer, by the way, is Ork)
They never heard: “Where’s the beef?”, “I’d walk a mile
for a Camel,” or “De plane, de plane!”
They do not care who shot J.R. and have no idea who
J.R. was.
Kansas, Chicago, Boston, America, and Alabama are
places, not bands.
There has always been MTV.
They don’t have a clue how to use a typewriter.

==========

TAXES TO THE END (R)
A businessman on his deathbed called his friend and said, “Bill, I want you to promise me that when I die, you will have my remains cremated.” “And what,” his friend asked, “do you want me to do with your ashes?” The businessman said, “Just put them in an envelope and mail them to the Internal Revenue Service. Write on the envelope, ‘Now, you have everything.’ ”

==========

SCIENCE FACTS FROM FIFTH GRADERS
* The spinal column is a long bunch of bones. The head sits on the top, and you sit on the bottom.
* It is so hot in some places that people there have to live in other places.
* Mushrooms always grow in damp places which is why they look like umbrellas.
* The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana. * Thunder is a rich source of loudness.
* Some people can tell what time it is by looking at the sun, but I never have been able to make out the numbers.
* When planets run around and around in circles, we say they are orbiting. When people do it, we say they are crazy.
* One of the main causes of dust is DIRT.
* A monsoon is a French gentleman.
* To keep milk from turning sour, keep it in the cow.
* Genetics explains why you look like your father, and if you don’t, why you should.
* Water vapor gets together in a big cloud. When it gets big enough to be called a drop, it does.
* There is a tremendous weight pushing down on the center of the Earth because so many people are stomping around there these days. * The cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation. Evaporation gets blamed for a lot of things, like when people forget to put the top on. * You can listen to thunder and tell how close you came to getting hit. If you don’t hear it, you got hit, so never mind.


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POWER OF PRAYER

Hope the story leaves a bright spot in your day. Whoever said God, the Creator doesn’t have a sense of humor?

Dwight Nelson recently told a true story about the pastor of his church. He had a kitten that climbed up a tree in his backyard and then was afraid to come down. The pastor coaxed, offered warm milk, etc. The kitty would not come down. The tree was not sturdy enough to climb, so the pastor decided that if he tied a rope to his car and drove away so that the tree bent down, he could then reach up and get the kitten.

He did! All the while, checking his progress in the car frequently, then figured if he went just a little bit further, the tree would be bent sufficiently for him to reach the kitten. But as he moved a little further forward, the rope broke. The tree went “boing!” and the kitten instantly sailed through the air-out of sight.

The pastor felt terrible. He walked all over the neighborhood asking people if they’d seen a little kitten. No. Nobody had seen a stray kitten. So he prayed, “Lord, I just commit this kitten to your keeping,” and went on about his business. A few days later he was at the grocery store, and met one of his church members. He happened to look into her shopping cart and was amazed to see cat food. Now this woman was a cat hater and everyone knew it, so he asked her, “Why are you buying cat food when you hate cats so much?” She replied, “You won’t believe this,” and told him how her little girl had been begging her for a cat, but she kept refusing. Then a few days before, the child had begged again, so the Mom finally told her little girl, “Well, if God gives you a cat, I’ll let you keep it?” (Can you see where this is heading?)

She told the pastor, “I watched my child go out in the yard, get on her knees, and ask God for a cat. And really, Pastor, you won’t believe this, but I saw it with my own eyes. A kitten suddenly came flying out of the blue sky, with its paws outspread, and landed right in front of her.”

Never underestimate the Power of God and His unique sense of humor.