I just took a leaflet out of my mailbox, informing me that I can have sex at 79. I’m so happy, because I live at number 71. So it’s not too far to walk home afterwards. And it’s the same side of the street. I don’t even have to cross the road! ~~~~~
Answering machine message, “I am not available right now, but thank you for caring enough to call. I am making some changes in my life.
Please leave a message after the beep. If I do not return your call, you are one of the changes.” ~~~~~
Aspire to inspire before you expire.
My wife and I had words, but I didn’t get to use mine.
Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses. ~~~~~
Blessed are those who can give without remembering and take without forgetting. ~~~~~
The irony of life is that,by the time you’re old enough to know your way around, you’re not going anywhere. ~~~~~
God made man before woman so as to give him time to think of an answer for her first question. ~~~~~
I was always taught to respect my elders, but it keeps getting harder to find one. ~~~~~
Every morning is the dawn of a new error.
The quote of the month is by Jay Leno: “With hurricanes, tornados, fires out of control, mud slides, flooding, severe thunderstorms tearing up the country from one end to another, and with the threat of bird flu and terrorist attacks, are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?” ~~~~~
Sal and Vinnie entered a chocolate store. As they were looking at the candy, Vinnie stole 3 chocolate bars. When they left the store
Vinnie said to Sal “I’m the best thief in the neighborhood, I stole 3 freakin chocolate bars and no one saw me put them in my pocket. You can’t beat that.”
Sal replied: “You want to see something better? Let’s go back to the shop and I’ll show you real stealing. I’ll steal while the shopkeeper is watching me and he won’t even know.”
So they went to the counter and Sal said to the shopkeeper:
“Do you want to see a great magic trick?” The shopkeeper replied: “Yes.”
Sal said: “Give me three chocolate bars.” The shopkeeper gave him three chocolate bars and Sal ate all three.
The shopkeeper asked: “But, where’s the magic?”
Sal replied: “Look in Vinnie’s pocket.”
“Success consists of going from failure to failure without the loss of enthusiasm.”
Just click on where you think the city is and the plane will land there, then it will show where the city actually is!
This is a lot of fun and informative too. http://www.lufthansa-vp.com/vp1/play.html
Updated by Snopes Sat. May 26, 2013
LINK AT BOTTOM OF ARTICLE
Only in America… duh!!!!!!
All In The Family
The US has entered into a contract with a real estate firm to sell 56 buildings that currently house U.S. Post Offices. The government has decided it no longer needs these buildings, many of which are located on prime land in towns and cities across the country.
The sale of these properties will fetch billions of dollars and a handsome 6% commission to the company handling the sales. That company belongs to a man named Richard Blum. Who is Richard Blum you ask?
Why the husband of Senator Dianne Feinstein, that’s who. What a bunch of crooks we have running this country!
Senator Feinstein and her husband, Richard Blum, stand to make a fortune. His firm, C.R. I., is the sole real estate company offering these properties for sale. Of course, C.R.I. will be making a 6% commission on the sale of each and every one of these postal properties.
All of these properties that are being sold are all fully paid for. They were purchased with U.S. taxpayers dollars, and they are allowed free and clear by the U.S.P.S. The only cost to keep them is the cost to actually keep the doors open and the heat and lights on. The United States Postal Service doesn’t even have to pay property taxes on these subject properties. Would you sell your house just because you couldn’t afford to pay the electric bill?
Well, the Post Office is.
How does a powerful U.S. Senator from San Francisco manage to get away with such a sweet deal?
A powerful United States Senator’s husband is standing by, all ready to make millions from a U.S. taxpayer funded enterprise.
No one in the mainstream media is even raising an eyebrow over his 6% commission on the sale of hundreds of millions of dollar’s worth of quasi-public assets.
Pass this info on before it’s pulled from the internet.
snopes.com: CBRE/Richard Blum and USPS •••
Does the husband of Senator Dianne Feinstein chair a company that brokers sales of USPS facilities?
…Claim: The husband of Senator Dianne Feinstein chairs a company that brokers sales of USPS facilities. Example: [Collected via e-mail, April 2013]…
…one firm to sell 56 buildings that currently house U.S. Post Offices. The government has decided that it no longer needs these buildings (many of which…
…The sale of these properties will bring in billions of dollars and, with that, millions of dollars in commissions for the one Company that is in charge…
Sat, 25 May 2013 11:30:39 GMT http://www.snopes.com/politics/business/blum.asp
MAY YOU ALWAYS BE BLESSED
This one is priceless. A lesson to be learned from typing the wrong email address!
A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.
Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.
The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the e-mail.
Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston , a widow had just returned home from her husband’s funeral. He was a Baptist minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack.
The widow decided to check her e-mail expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.
The widow’s son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I’ve Arrived
Date: March 21, 2012
I know you’re surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I’ve just arrived and have been checked in.
I’ve seen that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
P. S. Sure is freaking hot down here!!!
Morris returns from the doctor having been for his annual check up and tells his wife that the doctor has told him that he has only 24 hours to live.
Given the prognosis, Morris asks his wife for sex.
Naturally, she agrees, so they make love.
About 6 hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, ‘Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live.
Could we please do it one more time?’
Of course, the wife agrees, and they do it again.
Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes that he now has only 8 hours left.
He touches his wife’s shoulder and asks, ‘Honey, please… just one more time before I die.’
She says, ‘Of course, Dear,’ and they make love for the third time.
After this session, the wife rolls over and falls asleep.
Morris, however, worried about his impending death, tosses and turns, until he’s down to 4 more hours.
He taps his wife, who rouses. ‘Honey, I have only 4 more hours.
Do you think we could…’
At this point the wife sits up and says, ‘Listen Morris, enough is enough I have to get up in the morning… you don’t.’