George Carlin’s View on Aging

Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is
when we’re kids? If you’re less than 10 years old, you’re so excited about
aging that you think in fractions." How old are you?" "I’m four and a half!"
You’re never thirty-six and a half. You’re four and a half, going on five!

That’s the key.

You get into your teens, now they can’t hold you back. You jump to the next
number, or even a few ahead.

"How old are you?" "I’m gonna be 16!" You could be 13, but hey, you’re gonna
be 16!

And then the greatest day of your life . . . you become 21..

Even the words sound like a ceremony . . . YOU BECOME 21| YESSSS!!!

But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad
milk. He TURNED; we had to throw him out. There’s no fun now, you’re just a
sour-dumpling. What’s wrong? What’s changed?

You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you’re PUSHING 40.

Whoa! Put on the brakes, it’s all slipping away. Before you know it, you
REACH 50 . . . and your dreams are gone.

But wait!!! You MAKE it to 60. You didn’t think you would!

So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE it to 60.

You’ve built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it’s a day-by-day
thing; you HIT Wednesday!

You get into your 80s and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT lunch; you
TURN 4:30; you REACH bedtime. And it doesn’t end there. Into the 90s, you
start going backwards; "I was JUST 92."

Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little
kid again. "I’m 100 and a half!"

May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!!

HOW TO STAY YOUNG

1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and height.
Let the doctor worry about them. That is why you pay him/her.

2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down.

3. Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening,
whatever. Never let the brain idle. " An idle mind is the devil’s workshop."
And the devil’s name is Alzheimer’s.

4. Enjoy the simple things.

5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.

6. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person who is
with us our entire life, is ourselves.. Be ALIVE while you are alive.

7. Surround yourself with what you love, whether it’s family, pets,
keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge.

8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable,
improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.

9. Don’t take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, to the next county, to
a foreign country, but NOT to where the guilt is.

10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.

AND ALWAYS REMEMBER: Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take,
but by the moments that take our breath away.

If you don’t send this to at least 8 people — who cares?

Dognapped Chihuahuas Mistaken for Pit Bulls

IRVINE, Calif. (Reuters) – They thought they had stolen vicious pit bulls but instead they wound up with purse-sized Chihuahuas known for their timidity.

Mehrad Sepanjasa, 19, Ariyo MacKay, 18, and Kamyar Katouzian, 24, were arrested on Wednesday for allegedly stealing the puppies from an animal shelter in this Southern California city a couple of days earlier.

The men were caught after bringing the dogs, which had ID microchips implanted under their skin, to an animal clinic in a PetSmart pet supply store for an examination and vaccinations.

Lisa Morgenthaler, the store’s director, said she recognized the puppies and the suspects from their descriptions on a flyer she received from the animal shelter.

The store manager said she sensed that the pups were victims of a severe case of mistaken identity. “They asked me, ‘What is this?'” Morgenthaler said. “I told them it looked like a Chihuahua mix. They said, ‘No way, it’s a pit bull.’ They didn’t believe me. They wanted to ask the veterinarian.”

When the men brought the puppies back to the clinic for an exam and shots two days later, Morgenthaler was prepared.

“We said we were going to take them into the back to cut their nails and take their temperatures, and we called the police,” she said. “It was pretty scary.”

During the examination, the men repeatedly asked the veterinary staff what breed the puppies were, and again insisted that they were not of the diminutive Mexican breed.

“They were pretty perturbed that the puppies they stole were not pit bulls,” Morgenthaler said. “They thought they were stealing pit bulls. These guys are idiots.”

THE NEW ARMY!!!

The NEW Army–Be ALL That You Can Be

Dear Ma and Pa:

Am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Army beats working for Old Man Minch a mile. Tell them to join up quick before maybe all the places are filled. I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m., but am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot and shine some things — no hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing. Men got to shave, but it is not bad, they git warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, beef, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and regular food. But tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit between two city boys that live on coffee. Their food, plus yours, holds you till noon, when you get fed again. It’s no wonder these city boys can’t walk much. We go on "route marches," which, the Sgt. says, are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it is not my place to tell him different. A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys all get sore feet and we ride back in trucks. The country is nice, but awful flat. The Sgt. is like a school teacher. He nags some. The Capt. is like the school board. Colonels and Generals just ride around and frown. They don’t bother you none.

This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep gettin medals for shootin. I don’t know why. The bull’s-eye is pert near as big as a chipmunk and don’t move none. And it ain’t shooting at you, like them Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don’t even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes. Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellows get onto this setup and come stampeding in.

Your loving daughter, Gail

P.S. Speaking of shootin,’ enclosed is $200 for barn roof and ma’s teeth. Them city boys shoot craps, but not very good.

Rough Life-funny

When I was a kid adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious
diatribes about how hard things were when they were growing up; what
with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning uphill both ways
through year-round blizzards carrying their younger siblings on their
backs to their one-room schoolhouse where they maintained a straight-A
average despite their full-time after-school job at the local textile
mill where they worked for 35 cents an hour just to help keep their
family from starving to death!

And I remember promising myself that when I grew up there was no way in
hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on kids about how
hard I had it and how easy they’ve got it!

BUT…….

Now that I’ve reached the ripe old age of thirty-two, I can’t help but
look around and notice the youth of today. You’ve got it so
freakin’easy!

I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a darned Utopia! And I
hate to say it but you kids today, you don’t know how good you’ve got
it!

I mean, when I was a kid……..

We didn’t have the Internet – we wanted to know something, we had to go
to the library and look it up ourselves! And there was no email!

We had to actually write somebody a letter-with a pen!. And then you
had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the freakin’
mailbox and it would take like a week to get there!

And there were no MP3s or Napsters! You wanted to steal music, you had
to go to the record store and shoplift it yourself! Or we had to
wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ would usually
talk over the beginning and screw it all up! We didn’t have fancy crap
like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called
they got a busy signal!

And we didn’t have fancy Caller ID Boxes either!
When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was…..it could be your
boss, your mom, a collections agent, your drug dealer – you didn’t
know!!! You just had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!

And we didn’t have any fancy Sony Playstation videogames with
high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games like
"Space Invaders" and "Asteroids", and the graphics sucked! Your guy
was a little square! Lest we forget PONG!

You had to use your imagination! And there were no multiple levels or
screens, it was just one screen forever! And you could never
win……the game just kept getting harder and faster until you died!
JUST LIKE LIFE!

When you went to the movie theater, there was no such thing as stadium
seating! All the seats were the same height! A tall guy sat in front of
you, you were screwed!

And sure, we had cable television, but back then there was only like 20
channels and there was no on-screen menu! You had to use a little book
called a TV Guide to find out what was on!

And there was no Cartoon Network! You could only get cartoons on
Saturday morning… …D’ya hear what I’m saying!?! We had to wait ALL
WEEK, you spoiled little people!

That’s exactly what I’m talking about! You kids today have got it too
easy. You’re spoiled, I swear! You guys wouldn’t last five minutes back

in 1984!

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THE MONSTER AT THE END OF THIS BOOK – smollin.com smollin.com The Monster At The End Of This Book illustrated by Michael Smollin with pen, ink and dyes, published by Random House.