Gee Mail

All that stuff that the grandparents forward….

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Why did the chicken…

We don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want
to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is
either with us or it is against us. There is no middle ground here.

I invented the chicken. I invented the road. Therefore, the chicken
crossing the road represented the application of these two different
functions of government in a new, reinvented way designed to bring
greater services to the American people.

I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by
chicken? Could you define chicken, please?

The chicken’s habitat on the original side of the road had been
polluted by unchecked industrialist greed. The chicken did not reach the
unspoiled habitat on the other side of the road because it was
crushed by the wheels of a gas-guzzling SUV.

To steal a job from a decent, hardworking American.

I don’t know why the chicken crossed the road, but I’ll bet it was
getting a government grant to cross the road, and I’ll bet someone
out there is already forming a support group to help chickens with
crossing-the-road syndrome. Can you believe this? How much more of
this can real Americans take? Chickens crossing the road paid for by their
tax dollars, and when I say tax dollars, I’m talking about your
money, money the government took from you to build roads for chickens to

No one called to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a
standing order at the farmer’s market to sell my eggs when the price
dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

Because the chicken was gay! Isn’t it obvious? Can’t you people see
the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the
“other side.” That’s what they call it-the other side. Yes, my friends,
that chicken is gay. And, if you eat that chicken, you will become gay
too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that
the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like
“the other side.

Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, The
chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed, I’ve not been told!

To die. In the rain. Alone.

I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads
without having their motives called into question.

In my day, we didn’t ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone
told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for

Isn’t that interesting? In a few moments we will be listening to the
chicken tell, for the first time, the heartwarming story of how I
experienced a serious case of molting and went on to accomplish its
life-long dream of crossing the road.

Imagine all the chickens crossing roads in peace.

It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

It was a historical inevitability.

This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified
in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

I may not agree with what the chicken did, but I will defend to the
death its right to do it.

What chicken?

To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

You saw it cross the road with your own eyes! How many more chickens
have to cross before you believe it?

The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the
road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

I have just released eChicken 2003, which will not only cross roads,
but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your
checkbook- and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken.

Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath
the chicken?

It was because the road was black and the chicken was white. We must

And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken,
“Thou shalt cross the road.” And the chicken crossed the road, and there
was much rejoicing.

I missed one?

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More Medical Facts….

Q: I’ve heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that’s it …. don’t
waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your
heart will not make you live longer; that’s like saying you can extend the
life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and
corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an
efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain?
Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy
vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily
allowance of vegetable slop.

Q: Is beer or wine bad for me?
A: Look, it goes to the earlier point about fruits and vegetables. As we
all know, scientists divide everything in the world into three categories:
animal, mineral, and vegetable. We all know that beer and wine are not
animal, and they are not on the periodic table of elements, so that only
leaves one thing, right? My advice: Have a burger and a beer and enjoy your
liquid vegetables.

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio is one to
one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise
A: Can’t think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain…Good.

Q: Aren’t fried foods bad for you?
A: You’re not listening. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In
fact, they’re permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for

Q: What’s the secret to healthy eating?
A: Thicker gravy.

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should
only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO ….. Cocoa beans … another vegetable!!! “It’s
the best feel good food around!”

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about
food and diets. Have a cookie…flour is a veggie! One more thing… “When
life hands you lemons, ask for a bottle of tequila and salt.”
© 2014 Microsoft Terms Privacy & cookies Developers English (United States)

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Bearly Preaching

A priest, a rabbi and a Pentecostal preacher all served as chaplains to the
students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette. They would get
together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk “shop”. One day
someone made the comment that preaching to people isn’t really that hard. A
real challenge would be to preach to a bear. Well, one thing led to another
and before it was over they decided to do a seven-day experiment. They
would all go out into the woods, find a bear and preach to it.

It’s now 7 days later and they’re all together to discuss the experience.

Father O’Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has
various bandages goes first. “Wellll,” he says in a fine Irish brogue, “Ey
wint oot into th’ wooods to fynd me a bearr. Oond when Ey fund him Ey began
to rread to him from the Baltimorre Chatecism. Welll, thet bearr wanted
naught to do wi’ me und begun to slap me aboot. So I quick grrabbed me holy
water and, THE SAINTS BE PRAISED, he becam as gintle as a lamb. The bishop
is cooming oot next wik to give him fierst communion und confierrmation.”

Reverend Billy Bob speaks next. He’s in a wheel chair, with an arm and both
legs in casts and an I.V. drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he
proclaims, “WELL brothers….you KNOW that we don’t sprinkle……..WE DUNK!
I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to him from
God’s HOOOOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. I SAY NO!
He wanted NOTHING to do with me. So I took HOOOLD of him and we began to
rassle. We rassled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another untill we
come to a crick. So’se I quick DUNK him and BAPTIZE his hairy soul. An’
jus like you you sez, he wuz gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the
week in fellowship, feasting on God’s HOOOOLY word.”

They both look down at the rabbi who’s laying in a hospital bed. He’s in a
body cast & traction with IV’s and monitors running in and out of him. The
rabbi looks up and says “Oy! You don’t know what tough is until you try to
circumcise one of those creatures.”

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Tree Pun

We have an old tree that became diseased and was losing its bark. We felt
it needed a bark transplant and called a tree surgeon.

The communication was mangled and when the surgeon arrived, he went to work
on a tree across the street.

He was halfway done when I noticed the error.

I tried to stop him, yelling, “Stop! Stop! You’re barking up the wrong

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My first gray hair

When I discovered my first gray hair I immediately wrote to my parents:
“Dear Dad and Mom, You saw my first steps. You might want to experience
this with me too.” I taped the offending hair to the paper and mailed it.

My father’s response was in the form of a poem:
It’s a trustworthy observation
That nothing can compare
In the process of aging
With finding the first gray hair.

He signed off with this observation: “That gray hair you sent is not the
first one you gave us!”

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Defining the Height of . . .

Height of Isolation: Two persons sitting side by side using e-mails to
communicate with each other.
Height of Cowardice: Two persons fighting through e-mails.
Height of Helplessness: Receiving no e-mails for a week.
Height of Frustration: The email server being down.
Height of Carelessness: Writing a love mail and doing a ‘Send All.’
Height of Achievement: A person sending email to a girl wanting to
become friends and getting a reply.
Height of Timepass: A person sending email to himself.
Height of Expectation: Sending Indian cricket team an e-mail, wishing
them to win a match.
Height of Having No Work: You people reading such mails.

Five situations you do not want to be in…

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* A duck’s quack doesn’t echo, and no one knows why.
* In 10 minutes, a hurricane releases more energy than all of the world’s
nuclear weapons combined.
* On average, 100 people choke to death on ballpoint pens every year.
* On average people fear spiders more than they do death.
* 90% of New York City cabbies are recently arrived immigrants.
* 35% of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married.
* Elephants are the only animals that can’t jump.
* Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.
* It’s possible to lead a cow upstairs… but not downstairs.
* Women blink nearly twice as much as men.
* It’s physically impossible for you to lick your elbow.
* The Main Library at Indiana University sinks over an inch every year
because when it was built, engineers failed to take into account the weight
of all the books that would occupy the building.
* A snail can sleep for three years.
* No word in the English language rhymes with “MONTH.”
* Average life span of a major league baseball: 7 pitches.
* Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never
stop growing. – SCARY!!!
* The electric chair was invented by a dentist.
* All polar bears are left-handed.
* In ancient Egypt, priests plucked EVERY hair from their bodies, including
their eyebrows and eyelashes.
* An ostrich’s eye is bigger than its brain.
* TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on
one row of the keyboard.
* “Go,” is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.
* If Barbie were life-size, her measurements would be 39-23-33.  She would
stand seven feet, two inches tall.
* A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.
* The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.
* Americans on average eat 18 acres of pizza every day.
* Almost everyone who reads this email will try to lick their elbow.

Don’t forget to pass these weird facts on to everyone you know. They will
get a kick out of it !!

You tried to lick your elbow, didn’t you?