Gee Mail

All that stuff that the grandparents forward….


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Graduation day

It’s graduation day, and everybody’s going to get their diploma but Jon.

At the assembly, the entire senior class stands up and shouts,
“Let Jon graduate, let Jon graduate!”

The principal agrees to give Jon one last chance.

“If I have five apples in my right hand and five in my left hand,
Jon, how many apples do I have?” he asked.

Jon thought long and hard and then said, “Ten.”

At that the entire senior class stood up and shouted,
“Give Jon another chance. Give Jon another chance!”


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Money

 

 It can buy a House……………But not a home

 It can buy a Bed………………But not sleep

 It can buy a Clock…………….But not time

 It can buy a Book……………..But not    knowledge

 It can buy a Position………….But not respect

 It can buy Medicine…………..But not health

 It can buy Blood……………….But not life

 It can buy Sex…………………But not love

 So you see money isn’t everything.
And it often causes pain and suffering.

 I tell you all this because …….

 I am your Friend, and as your Friend I want to take away your pain and suffering …… So send me all your money … and I will suffer for you.

CASH ONLY PLEASE!

 Thought this gonna be one of those “inspirational” ones, didn’t you?


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Assorted humor

Top Nine Stupid Questions Received by the Chap Stick Hotline
From: http://www.gcfl.net/archive/20030402
9. “Hi, is this the chopstick hotline?”
8. “Okay, I removed the cap — now what?”
7. “Can I use it to highlight passages in books?”
6. “Is it safe for my kitty’s lips?”
5. “Is it true that the Chinese use these instead of forks?”
4. “I like to dress the tubes in tiny little clothes I
make. Is this illegal?”
3. “Is it available in a spray?”
2. “I wrote a 22-page poem about Chap Stick. Where do I
send it?”
1. “I lost my Chap Stick — did anyone turn it in?

===========

From a pastor friend in Roanoke, VA:
A large group of Iraqi soldiers are moving down a road when they hear a
voice call from behind a sand dune: “One United States Marine is better
than ten Iraqis.”

The Iraqi commander quickly sends ten of this best soldiers over the dune,
whereupon a gun battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes, then
silence.

The voice then calls out: “One United States Marine is better than one
hundred Iraqis!”

Furious, the Iraqi commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune
and instantly a huge firefight commences. After 10 minutes of battle,
again silence.

The American voice calls out again: “One United States
Marine is better than one thousand Iraqis!”

The enraged Iraqi commander musters one thousand fighters and sends them
across the dune. Cannons, rockets and machine guns ring out as a huge
battle
is fought. Then silence. Eventually one wounded Iraqi soldier crawls
back over
the dune and with his dying breath tells his commander:

“Don’t send anymore men! It’s a trap! There’s TWO of them!”

==========

My office at the Air Reserve Personnel Center in Denver notified
reservists who were recalled to active duty during Operation Desert
Storm. We had difficulty locating one female sergeant, but we finally
obtained a phone number. I put the call through and asked for the woman
by name. I explained that she was being reactivated and told her she
would need to report to her duty station. “Do you understand?” I asked.

There was a long pause at the other end of the line. “Honey, you just
made my day,” she said. “I’m 85 years old and raring to go!”

==========

“His face lit up like a neon marquee with half the letters missing.”

“After finishing the entire cake herself, Alice felt as if she were
wearing a Sumo Wrestler suit and the zipper was stuck.”

“Frank’s knees were wobbly. Wobbly like a Weeble. Only he did fall down.”

“She loaded up on breath mints like a squirrel loads up on acorns so her
cheeks puffed out like a bag of popcorn and her mouth was the microwave.”

“Harry realized he was alone. As alone as a rocket scientist at a
convention of the Flat Earth Society.”

Belinda’s life seemed like a bad dream; the kind where you’re being
chased by a bus underwater and the bus turns into a shark but you lose
the shark by jumping off a cliff and land undressed on top of a carnival
tent. There were days she felt just like that.

Jeremy doesn’t so much comb his hair, as beat it into submission, like
you would a glob of dough used to make that friendship bread. It winds
up looking about the same, too.

She batted an eye at him, but he called it a swing and a miss.

Ted’s emotional laundry was dirty. Dirty and piled high in the dank,
dark basement of his soul. And even if he could find the detergent, the
fabric softener was nowhere in sight.

He took one last, long, look at her picture then flipped it into the
wastebasket as casually as a piece of junk mail.

In the big CD of life, he was a hidden novelty track that never appeared
on the label.

==========

There was once a snail who was sick and tired of his reputation for being so
slow. He decided to get some fast wheels to make up the difference.

After shopping around a while, he decided that the Datson 240-Z was the car
to get. So the snail goes to the nearest Datsun dealer and says he wants to
buy the 240-Z, but he wants it repainted “240-S”.

The dealer asks, “Why ‘S’?”

The snail replies, “‘S’ stands for snail. I want everybody who sees me
roaring past to know who’s driving.”

Well, the dealer doesn’t want to lose the unique opportunity to sell a car
to a snail, so he repaints the car for the snail.

The snail gets his new car and spent the rest of his days roaring happily
down the highway at top speed.

And, whenever anyone would see him zooming by, they’d say, “Wow! Look at
that S-car go!”

(Hey it took me a while on this one. If you struggle, focus on the last few words-say it outloud.)

==========

Customer: “You’ve got to fix my computer. I urgently need
to print a document, but the computer won’t boot properly,
and the secretary has gone home already.”
Tech Support: “What does it say?”
Customer: “Something about an error and non-system disk.”

Tech Support: “Look at your machine. Is there a floppy inside?”
Customer: “No, but there’s a sticker saying there’s an
Intel inside.”
Tech Support: “hmmmm, Have a look at the front of the
computer. Does it have an ATM slot like at a bank machine?
If there is a button sticking out there, then you are behind
in your ID ten T tax. Are you familiar with that?”
Customer: “Yes, of course. I know all about that. We have
a 10 T network here.”
Tech Support: “Excellent. Normally you would pay the ID-10-T
tax on-line, but since you can’t get on-line, I’ll have to take
your VISA over the phone. We’ll just charge it $10 for now,
and tomorrow your secretary can bring it up to date.
What is your VISA number?”
…..VISA info…

OK, Sir, now look for that ATM button again, and push it in
really hard.”
Customer: “Something black popped out!”
Tech Support: “Excellent ! You are doing great, Sir!
Now go back to the keyboard and hold down these 3 keys
together: CTRL ALT DEL, just for a second or so.”
Customer: “Its’s starting properly now! ”
Tech Support: “Excellent! Leave a note for the secretary
to re-imburse you for the ID 10 T tax payment you made.”
Customer: “Thanks, I’ll do that.”


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in Saudi Arabia………

An American, a Dutchman and a Frenchman are all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze when, all of a sudden, Saudi police rush in and arrest them.

The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offense in
Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the booze, they are all sentenced to death!

However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they are able to successfully appeal their sentences down to life imprisonment.

By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day their trial finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheikh decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip.

As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh announced: “It’s my first wife’s birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping.”

The Dutchman was first in line, he thought for a while and then said: “Please tie a pillow to my back.”

This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. When the punishment was done he had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain.

The Frenchman was next up.

After watching the Dutchman in horror he said smugly: “Please fix two pillows to my back.”

But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again and the Frenchman was soon led away whimpering loudly (as they do).

The American was the last one up, but before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said: “You are from a most beautiful part of the world and your culture is one of the finest in the world. For this, you may have two wishes!”

“Thank you, your Most Royal and Merciful highness”, the American replied. “In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes.”

“Not only are you an honourable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave”. The Sheikh said with an admiring look on his face.

“If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. “And your second wish, what is it to be?” the Sheikh asked.

The American replied: “Tie the Frenchman to my back.”


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The firefighter and little girl

A fire fighter is working on the engine outside the station when he notices a little girl next door in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the side and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The girl is wearing a fire fighter’s helmet and has the wagon tied to a dog and a cat.

The fire fighter walks over to take a closer look. “That sure is a nice fire truck,” the fire fighter says with admiration.

“Thanks,” the girl says.

The fire fighter looks a little closer and notices the girl has tied the wagon to the dog’s collar and to the cat’s testicles. “Little partner,” the fire fighter says, “I don’t want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat’s collar, I think you could go faster.”

The little girl says, “You’re probably right, but then I wouldn’t have a siren”.


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Another Blond Joke

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he’s doing a show in a small club in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee,he’s going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting:

“I’ve heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person’s hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It’s guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person, because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes, but women in general…and all in the name of humor!”

The ventriloquist is embarrassed and begins to apologize, when the blonde yells, “You stay out of this, mister! I’m talking to that little jerk on your knee!”


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Things My Mother Taught Me

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.

“If you’re going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.”

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.

“You better pray that will come out of the carpet.”

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.

“If you don’t straighten up, I’m going to knock you into the middle of next week!”

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.

“Because I said so, that’s why.”

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.

‘If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you’re not going to the store with me.”

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.

“Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you’re in an accident.”

7. My mother taught me IRONY.

“Keep crying, and I’ll give you something to cry about.”

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.

“Shut your mouth and eat your supper.”

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.

“Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!”

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.

‘You’ll sit there until all that spinach is gone.”

11. My mother taught! me about WEATHER.

“This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.”

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.

“If I told you once, I’ve told you a million times. Don’t exaggerate!”

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.

“I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.”

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.

“Stop acting like your father!”

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.

“There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don’t have wonderful parents like you do.”

16. My mother! taught me about ANTICIPATION.

“Just wait until we get home.”

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.

“You are going to get it when you get home!”

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.

“If you don’t stop crossing your eyes, They are going to freeze that way.”

19. My mother taught me ESP.

“Put your sweater on; don’t you think I know when you are cold?”

20. My mother taught me HUMOR.

“When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me.”

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.

“If you don’t eat your vegetables, you’ll never grow up.”

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.

“You’re just like your father.”

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.

“Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?”

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.

“When you get to be my age, you’ll understand.”

25. And my favorite: my mother taught me about JUSTICE.

“One day you’ll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!”


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Humor

The Pope is visiting DC and President Bush takes him out for an afternoon on
the Potomac…sailing on the presidential yacht, the Sequoia.

They’re admiring the sights when, all of a sudden, the Pope’s hat
(zucchetto) blows off his head and out into the water.

Secret service guys start to launch a boat, but Bush waves them off, saying
“Wait, wait. I’ll take care of this. Don’t worry.”

Bush then steps off the yacht onto the surface of the water and walks out to
the Holy Father’s little hat, bends over and picks it up, then walks back to
the yacht and climbs aboard. He hands the hat to the Pope amid stunned
silence.

The next morning, the Washington Post carries a story, with front page
photos, of the event.

The banner headline is “Bush Can’t Swim.”

==========

Ten Ways You Know Your Internet Connection Is A Little Slow
1. Text on Web pages displays as Morse Code
2. Graphics arrive via FedEx
3. You believe a heavier string might improve your connection
4. You post a message to your favorite newsgroup and it displays a week later
5. Your credit card expires while ordering online
6. ESPN Web site exhibits “Heisman Trophy Winner”…for 1989
7. You’re still in the middle of downloading that popular new game, “PacMan”
8. Everyone you talk to on the ‘net phone’ sounds like Forrest Gump
9. You receive e-mails with stamps on them
10. When you click the “Send” button, a little door opens on the side of
your monitor and a pigeon flies out.


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Hilarious

For those who already have children past this age, this is hilarious.
For those who have children this age, this is not funny.
For those who have children nearing this age, this is a warning.
For those who have not yet had children, this suggests birth control.
The following came from an anonymous Mother in Austin, Texas:
Things I've learned from my Children (honest & no kidding):

1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house
4 inches deep.

2. If you spray hairspray on dust bunnies and run over them with
in-line skates, they can ignite.

3. A 3-year old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded
restaurant.

4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong
enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman
cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread
paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.

5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When
using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times
before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

6. The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit
by a ceiling fan

7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh," it's already
too late.

8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

9. A six-year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a
36-year old man says they can only do it in the movies.

10. Certain Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year
old.

11. Play-Doh and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.

12. Super glue is forever.

13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still
can't walk on water.

14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

15. VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show
they do.

16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

18. You probably do not want to know what that odor is.

19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys and
ovens do not like each other.

20. The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response time.

21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms
dizzy.

22. It will, however, make cats dizzy.

23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

24. The mind of a 6-year old is wonderful. First grade...true story.

One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the Three
Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the
first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home.
She read, "...And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow
full of straw and said, 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that
straw to build my house?' " The teacher paused then asked the class,
"And what do you think that man said?"
One little boy raised his hand and said, "I think he said... 'Holy
crap! A talking pig!' "

The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.