Gee Mail

All that stuff that the grandparents forward….


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Graduation day

It’s graduation day, and everybody’s going to get their diploma but Jon.

At the assembly, the entire senior class stands up and shouts,
“Let Jon graduate, let Jon graduate!”

The principal agrees to give Jon one last chance.

“If I have five apples in my right hand and five in my left hand,
Jon, how many apples do I have?” he asked.

Jon thought long and hard and then said, “Ten.”

At that the entire senior class stood up and shouted,
“Give Jon another chance. Give Jon another chance!”


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Money

 

 It can buy a House……………But not a home

 It can buy a Bed………………But not sleep

 It can buy a Clock…………….But not time

 It can buy a Book……………..But not    knowledge

 It can buy a Position………….But not respect

 It can buy Medicine…………..But not health

 It can buy Blood……………….But not life

 It can buy Sex…………………But not love

 So you see money isn’t everything.
And it often causes pain and suffering.

 I tell you all this because …….

 I am your Friend, and as your Friend I want to take away your pain and suffering …… So send me all your money … and I will suffer for you.

CASH ONLY PLEASE!

 Thought this gonna be one of those “inspirational” ones, didn’t you?


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Assorted humor

Top Nine Stupid Questions Received by the Chap Stick Hotline
From: http://www.gcfl.net/archive/20030402
9. “Hi, is this the chopstick hotline?”
8. “Okay, I removed the cap — now what?”
7. “Can I use it to highlight passages in books?”
6. “Is it safe for my kitty’s lips?”
5. “Is it true that the Chinese use these instead of forks?”
4. “I like to dress the tubes in tiny little clothes I
make. Is this illegal?”
3. “Is it available in a spray?”
2. “I wrote a 22-page poem about Chap Stick. Where do I
send it?”
1. “I lost my Chap Stick — did anyone turn it in?

===========

From a pastor friend in Roanoke, VA:
A large group of Iraqi soldiers are moving down a road when they hear a
voice call from behind a sand dune: “One United States Marine is better
than ten Iraqis.”

The Iraqi commander quickly sends ten of this best soldiers over the dune,
whereupon a gun battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes, then
silence.

The voice then calls out: “One United States Marine is better than one
hundred Iraqis!”

Furious, the Iraqi commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune
and instantly a huge firefight commences. After 10 minutes of battle,
again silence.

The American voice calls out again: “One United States
Marine is better than one thousand Iraqis!”

The enraged Iraqi commander musters one thousand fighters and sends them
across the dune. Cannons, rockets and machine guns ring out as a huge
battle
is fought. Then silence. Eventually one wounded Iraqi soldier crawls
back over
the dune and with his dying breath tells his commander:

“Don’t send anymore men! It’s a trap! There’s TWO of them!”

==========

My office at the Air Reserve Personnel Center in Denver notified
reservists who were recalled to active duty during Operation Desert
Storm. We had difficulty locating one female sergeant, but we finally
obtained a phone number. I put the call through and asked for the woman
by name. I explained that she was being reactivated and told her she
would need to report to her duty station. “Do you understand?” I asked.

There was a long pause at the other end of the line. “Honey, you just
made my day,” she said. “I’m 85 years old and raring to go!”

==========

“His face lit up like a neon marquee with half the letters missing.”

“After finishing the entire cake herself, Alice felt as if she were
wearing a Sumo Wrestler suit and the zipper was stuck.”

“Frank’s knees were wobbly. Wobbly like a Weeble. Only he did fall down.”

“She loaded up on breath mints like a squirrel loads up on acorns so her
cheeks puffed out like a bag of popcorn and her mouth was the microwave.”

“Harry realized he was alone. As alone as a rocket scientist at a
convention of the Flat Earth Society.”

Belinda’s life seemed like a bad dream; the kind where you’re being
chased by a bus underwater and the bus turns into a shark but you lose
the shark by jumping off a cliff and land undressed on top of a carnival
tent. There were days she felt just like that.

Jeremy doesn’t so much comb his hair, as beat it into submission, like
you would a glob of dough used to make that friendship bread. It winds
up looking about the same, too.

She batted an eye at him, but he called it a swing and a miss.

Ted’s emotional laundry was dirty. Dirty and piled high in the dank,
dark basement of his soul. And even if he could find the detergent, the
fabric softener was nowhere in sight.

He took one last, long, look at her picture then flipped it into the
wastebasket as casually as a piece of junk mail.

In the big CD of life, he was a hidden novelty track that never appeared
on the label.

==========

There was once a snail who was sick and tired of his reputation for being so
slow. He decided to get some fast wheels to make up the difference.

After shopping around a while, he decided that the Datson 240-Z was the car
to get. So the snail goes to the nearest Datsun dealer and says he wants to
buy the 240-Z, but he wants it repainted “240-S”.

The dealer asks, “Why ‘S’?”

The snail replies, “‘S’ stands for snail. I want everybody who sees me
roaring past to know who’s driving.”

Well, the dealer doesn’t want to lose the unique opportunity to sell a car
to a snail, so he repaints the car for the snail.

The snail gets his new car and spent the rest of his days roaring happily
down the highway at top speed.

And, whenever anyone would see him zooming by, they’d say, “Wow! Look at
that S-car go!”

(Hey it took me a while on this one. If you struggle, focus on the last few words-say it outloud.)

==========

Customer: “You’ve got to fix my computer. I urgently need
to print a document, but the computer won’t boot properly,
and the secretary has gone home already.”
Tech Support: “What does it say?”
Customer: “Something about an error and non-system disk.”

Tech Support: “Look at your machine. Is there a floppy inside?”
Customer: “No, but there’s a sticker saying there’s an
Intel inside.”
Tech Support: “hmmmm, Have a look at the front of the
computer. Does it have an ATM slot like at a bank machine?
If there is a button sticking out there, then you are behind
in your ID ten T tax. Are you familiar with that?”
Customer: “Yes, of course. I know all about that. We have
a 10 T network here.”
Tech Support: “Excellent. Normally you would pay the ID-10-T
tax on-line, but since you can’t get on-line, I’ll have to take
your VISA over the phone. We’ll just charge it $10 for now,
and tomorrow your secretary can bring it up to date.
What is your VISA number?”
…..VISA info…

OK, Sir, now look for that ATM button again, and push it in
really hard.”
Customer: “Something black popped out!”
Tech Support: “Excellent ! You are doing great, Sir!
Now go back to the keyboard and hold down these 3 keys
together: CTRL ALT DEL, just for a second or so.”
Customer: “Its’s starting properly now! ”
Tech Support: “Excellent! Leave a note for the secretary
to re-imburse you for the ID 10 T tax payment you made.”
Customer: “Thanks, I’ll do that.”


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in Saudi Arabia………

An American, a Dutchman and a Frenchman are all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze when, all of a sudden, Saudi police rush in and arrest them.

The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offense in
Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the booze, they are all sentenced to death!

However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they are able to successfully appeal their sentences down to life imprisonment.

By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day their trial finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheikh decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip.

As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh announced: “It’s my first wife’s birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping.”

The Dutchman was first in line, he thought for a while and then said: “Please tie a pillow to my back.”

This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. When the punishment was done he had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain.

The Frenchman was next up.

After watching the Dutchman in horror he said smugly: “Please fix two pillows to my back.”

But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again and the Frenchman was soon led away whimpering loudly (as they do).

The American was the last one up, but before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said: “You are from a most beautiful part of the world and your culture is one of the finest in the world. For this, you may have two wishes!”

“Thank you, your Most Royal and Merciful highness”, the American replied. “In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes.”

“Not only are you an honourable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave”. The Sheikh said with an admiring look on his face.

“If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. “And your second wish, what is it to be?” the Sheikh asked.

The American replied: “Tie the Frenchman to my back.”


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The firefighter and little girl

A fire fighter is working on the engine outside the station when he notices a little girl next door in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the side and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The girl is wearing a fire fighter’s helmet and has the wagon tied to a dog and a cat.

The fire fighter walks over to take a closer look. “That sure is a nice fire truck,” the fire fighter says with admiration.

“Thanks,” the girl says.

The fire fighter looks a little closer and notices the girl has tied the wagon to the dog’s collar and to the cat’s testicles. “Little partner,” the fire fighter says, “I don’t want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat’s collar, I think you could go faster.”

The little girl says, “You’re probably right, but then I wouldn’t have a siren”.


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Another Blond Joke

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he’s doing a show in a small club in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee,he’s going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting:

“I’ve heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person’s hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It’s guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person, because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes, but women in general…and all in the name of humor!”

The ventriloquist is embarrassed and begins to apologize, when the blonde yells, “You stay out of this, mister! I’m talking to that little jerk on your knee!”