Gee Mail

All that stuff that the grandparents forward….


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New Tourism Rules

> Because of misunderstandings that frequently develop when Easterners and > Westerners cross states such as Illinois, Ohio, Indiana, Wisconsin, > Nebraska, Kansas, Iowa, Missouri, Minnesota, North Dakota, and South Dakota; > those states’ Tourism Councils have adopted a set of information guidelines. > In an effort to help outsiders understand the Midwest, the following list > will be handed to each out-of-state driver entering the area: >
> 1. That farm boy standing next to the feed bin did more work before > breakfast than you do all week at the gym.
>
> 2. It’s called a ‘rock road’ or a ‘gravel road.’ No matter how slow you > drive, you’re going to get dust on your Navigator. I have a four wheel > drive because I need it. Drive it or get it out of the way. >
> 3. We all started hunting and fishing when we were seven years old. Yeah, > we saw Bambi. We got over it.
>
> 4. Any references to “corn fed” when talking about our women will get you > whipped… by our women.
>
> 5. Go ahead and bring your $600 Orvis Fly Rod. Don’t cry to us if a > flathead catfish breaks it off at the handle. We have a name for those > little trout you fish for…bait.
>
> 6. Pull your pants up and turn your cap around. You look like an idiot. >
> 7. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of mallards are making their > final approach, we will shoot it. You might hope you don’t have it up to > your ear at the time.
>
> 8. That’s right. Whiskey is only two bucks. We can buy a fifth for what > you paid in the airport for one drink.
>
> 9. No, there’s no “Vegetarian Special” on the menu. Order steak. Order it > rare. Or, you can order the Chef’s Salad and pick off the two pounds of ham > and turkey.
>
> 10. If you bring Coke into my house, it had better be brown, wet, and > served over ice.
>
> 11. So you have a sixty-thousand dollar car you drive on weekends. We’re > real impressed. We have $250,000 combines that we use two weeks a year. >
> 12. Let’s get this straight. We have one stoplight in town. We stop when > it’s red. We may even stop when it’s yellow.
>
> 13. Our women hunt, fish, and drive trucks–because they want to. So, > you’re a feminist? Isn’t that cute.
>
> 14. Yeah, we eat catfish. You really want sushi and caviar? It’s > available at the bait shop.
>
> 15. They are pigs. That’s what they smell like. Get over it. Don’t like > it? Interstates 70, 80, 90, and 94 go two ways – Interstates 29, 35, 39, > and 65 go the other two. Pick one and use it accordingly. >
> 16. The “Opener” refers to the first day of deer or pheasant season, both > religious holidays. You can get breakfast at the church.
>
> 17. So every person in every pickup waves. It’s called being friendly. > Understand the concept?
>
> 18. Yeah, we have golf courses. Don’t hit in the water hazard. It spooks > the fish.
>
> 19. That Highway Patrol Officer or State Trooper that just pulled you over > for driving like an idiot…his name is “Sir”…no matter how old he is. > Now, enjoy your visit.
>


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Actual Newspaper Ads

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 YEARS OLD. HATEFUL LITTLE DOG. BITES.

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FREE PUPPIES: 1/2 COCKER SPANIEL 1/2 SNEAKY NEIGHBOR’S DOG.

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FREE PUPPIES… PART GERMAN SHEPHERD, PART STUPID DOG.

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GERMAN SHEPHERD 85 lbs. NEUTERED. SPEAKS GERMAN. FREE.

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FOUND: DIRTY WHITE DOG. LOOKS LIKE A RAT… BEEN OUT AWHILE…

BETTER BE A REWARD.

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1 MAN, 7 WOMAN HOT TUB — $850/offer

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SNOW BLOWER FOR SALE… ONLY USED ON SNOWY DAYS.

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COWS, CALVES NEVER BRED… ALSO 1 GAY BULL FOR SALE.

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NORDIC TRACK $300 HARDLY USED, CALL CHUBBY.

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HUMMERS – LARGEST SELECTION EVER – “IF IT’S IN STOCK, WE HAVE IT!”

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GEORGIA PEACHES, CALIFORNIA GROWN – 89 cents lb.

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NICE PARACHUTE: NEVER OPENED – USED ONCE.

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TIRED OF WORKING FOR ONLY $9.75 PER HOUR? WE OFFER PROFIT SHARING

AND FLEXIBLE HOURS. STARTING PAY: $7 — $9 PER HR.

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EXERCISE EQUIPMENT: QUEEN SIZE MATTRESS & BOX SPRINGS – $175.

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JOINING NUDIST COLONY! MUST SELL WASHER &DRYER $300.

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ALZHEIMER’S CENTER PREPARES FOR AN AFFAIR TO REMEMBER.

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OPEN HOUSE: BODY SHAPERS TONING SALON. FREE COFFEE & DONUTS.

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(AND THE BEST ONE)

FOR SALE BY OWNER: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45  volumes.

Excellent condition. $1,000.00 or best offer. No longer  needed. Got married

last month. Wife knows everything


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HAVE A NICE DAY !

A Husband Shopping Center has opened in Atlanta, where a woman can go to choose from among many men to be her husband. It is laid out in five floors, with the men increasing in positive attributes as you ascend. There is, however, a catch. You’re only allowed in once. Once you open the door to any floor, you must choose a man from that floor. If you go up a floor, you can’t go back down except to exit the building.

So, a woman goes to the shopping center to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door says: Floor 1: These men have jobs and love kids.

The woman reads the sign. “Well, that’s better than not having jobs, or not loving kids, but I wonder what’s further up?” So up she goes. The second floor sign says: Floor 2: These men have high-paying jobs, love kids and are extremely good-looking.

“Hmmm, better,” says the woman. “But I wonder what’s further up?” The
third floor sign reads: Floor 3: These men have high-paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good-looking and help with the housework.

“Wow,” says the woman, “very tempting. BUT, there’s more further up!” And so again, she goes up. On the fourth floor the sign reads: Floor 4: These men have high-paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good-looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak.

“Oh, mercy me.” (That’s how women talk in Georgia) “But just think…what must be awaiting me further up?” So up to the fifth floor she goes. The sign on that door says: Floor 5: This floor is just to prove that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping. Have a nice day!


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Laugh some more…

No peer pressure
A reporter was interviewing a 104 year-old woman.
“And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?”
the reporter asked.

“No peer pressure” she responded.

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Baseball in the Bible?

It all started “In the Big Inning.”
Eve stole first. Adam stole second.
Abraham made a sacrifice.
Jacob struck out.
The prodigal son made a home run.
Everybody played baseball until the fall of the Roam Umpire.

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Lawyers Eating

Two lawyers take a break fom chasing ambulaces and go into
a cafe, order soft drinks, and open up their sack lunches.
“Hey,” shouts the proprietor.
“You can’t eat your own food in here!”

“Okay,” says one,
and he and his friend swap their sandwiches.

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Another groaner…

Okay Joe,

I keep trying to get a joke published. Your measurement
arithmetic reminded me of one and I’ve included some others.
You probably already used these, also, but I’ll run’em past
you anyway. –Jody

**************
Three Indian women were pregnant and the time of their
deliveries was drawing near. They all entered the maternity
tepee.

The maternity tepee was equipped with two deer hides and a
hippopotamus skin — a bed for each of the women.

Finally the babes were delivered. Two of the babes weighed 6
pounds each and the thirds weighed 12 pounds.

This goes to show that

“The squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sum of the
squaws of the other 2 hides.”

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What is a pun?

Also called paronomasia, a pun is a humorous use of a word in such a way as to suggest different meanings or applications, or a play on word. A few examples follow;

I like European food so I decided to Russia over there because I was Hungary. After Czech’ing the menu I ordered Turkey. When I was Finnished I told the waiter “Spain good but there is Norway I could eat another bite.”

Cabbage should be eaten raw in fact that’s Cole’s Law.

A will is a relative thing.

In a Scandinavian race the last Lapp crossed the Finnish line.

Some children think that their parents are all no-ing.

When he fell in the wet concrete he left a bad impression.

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

A ham walked out of the hospital and said “I’m cured.”

A pun can be made on any subject except a king who isn’t a subject.

The conductor who didn’t pay his orchestra had to face the music.

A long knife has been invented that cuts four loaves of bread at a time called a four loaf cleaver.

A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.


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Detective Story

This is a detective story so pay close attention!
Three elderly ladies are excited about seeing their first Diamondbacks
baseball game.

They smuggle a bottle of Jack Daniel’s into the ball park. The game is
real exciting and they are enjoying themselves immensely mixing the Jack
Daniel’s with soft drinks. Soon they realize that the bottle is almost gone and the
game has a lot of innings to go.

Based on the given information, what inning is it and how many players are
on base?

Think!

Think some more!!

You’re gonna love it……

ANSWER: It’s the bottom of the fifth and the bags are loaded.


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One Liners

Some simple One Liners for the aging group

1. Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own
pants.

2. Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

3. I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. So I said
"Implants?" She hit me.

4. I don't do drugs. I get the same effect just standing up fast.

5. Sign in a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."

6. I live in my own little world. But it's OK. They know me here.

7. I got a sweater for my birthday. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.

8. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the "Terminal"?

9. I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get
elected.

10. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and Shithead's.

11. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you
want to annoy for the rest of your life.

12. I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore, I am perfect.

13. Everyday I beat my own previous record for the number of consecutive
days I've stayed alive.

14. How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50
for Miss America?

15. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing
section in a swimming pool?

16. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?

17. Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

18. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words:"Don't
pick that up, you don't know where it's been!"


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To Laugh…

Taxi in India

On a business trip to India, a colleague of mine arrived at

the airport in Delhi. He took a taxi to his hotel, where he

was greeted by his hospitable Indian host.

The cab driver requested the equivalent of eight dollars U.S.

for the fare, which seemed reasonable, so my friend handed

him the money. But the host grabbed the bills and initiated

a verbal assault upon the cabby, calling him a worthless

parasite and a disgrace to their country for trying to over-

charge visitors. The host threw half the amount at the driver

and told him never to return. As the taxi sped off, the host

gave the remaining bills to my colleague and asked him how

his trip had been.

“Fine,” the businessman replied, “until you chased the cab

away with my luggage in the trunk.”

 

 

An embarrassing case of hiccups

While waiting in line at the bank, a co-worker developed an
embarrassing case of hiccups. When he reached the teller’s
window, the hiccups seemed to have gotten worse. The teller
took my friend’s check and proceeded to run a computer
verification of his account. After a minute she looked up
from her terminal with a frown and said that she would be
unable to cash his check.

“Why not?” my friend asked incredulously.

“I’m sorry, sir,” she replied, “but our computer indicates
that you do not have sufficient funds to cover this amount.
As a matter of fact,” she continued, “our records show your
account overdrawn in excess of $5000.”

“It can’t be!” he cried. “You have to be kidding!”

“Yes, I am,” she answered with a smile, counting out his
cash. “But you will notice that your hiccups are gone.”

[And this is how you get yourself punched in the face.]