Gee Mail

All that stuff that the grandparents forward….


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Jokes about Aging!!!

From: Leona & Bob [mailto:leona_bob@sbcglobal.net]
Sent: Saturday, October 29, 2011 7:58 AM
To: Jay_Prouty@hotmail.com; Leona; Louise; Reva; Brian; Randy; Wendy
Subject: Jokes about Aging!!!

In case you think this message was sent in error – just deal with it. I did, I pushed Fwd.

Have a Great Day!

May your troubles be less.

May your blessings be more.

And may nothing but happiness come through your door..


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How the internet was started…really!

In ancient Israel , it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why dost thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?"And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, dear?"

And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will reply telling you who hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah’s Pony Stable (UPS)."

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move from his tent. To prevent neighboring countries from overhearing what the drums were saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew. It was known as Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a language to transmit ideas and pictures – Hebrew To The People (HTTP).

And the young men did take to Dot Com’s trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS.

And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the land. And indeed did insist on drums to be made that would work only with Brother Gates’ drumheads and drumsticks.

And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others." And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel , or eBay as it came to be known. He said, "We need a name that reflects what we are."

And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators." "YAHOO," said Abraham. And because it was Dot’s idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com.

Abraham’s cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot’s drums to locate things around the countryside.It soon became known as God’s Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE).

That is how it all began. And that’s the truth.

Didn’t Adam and Eve introduce the APPLE?

When Abraham and Dot Com banged on the drums, did the emails “Passover?”

Wait a minute…..when does the Queen of Toshiba come in?

Now you know where the first viruses came from.


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Baptist and Catholic

A little boy was walking down a dirt road after church one Sunday
afternoon when he came to a crossroads where he met a little girl coming
from the other direction.

"Hello," said the little boy.

"Hi," replied the little girl.

"Where are you going?" asked the little boy.

"I’ve been to church this morning and I’m on my way home," answered the
little girl.

"Me too," replied the little boy. "I’m also on my way home from church."

"Which church do you go to?" asked the little boy.

"I go to the Baptist church back down the road," replied the little girl.
"What about you?"

"I go to the Catholic church back at the top of the hill," replied the
little boy.

They discover that they are both going the same way so they decided that
they’d walk together. They came to a low spot in the road where spring
rains had partially flooded the road so there was no way that they could
get across to the ! other side without getting wet.

"If I get my new Sunday dress wet my Mom’s going to skin me alive," said
the little girl.

"My Mom’ll tan my hide too if I get my new Sunday suit wet," replied the
little boy

"I tell you what I think I’ll do," said the little girl. "I’m gonna pull
off all my clothes and hold them over my head and wade across."

"That’s a good idea," replied the little boy. "I’m going to do the same
thing with my suit." So they both undressed and waded across to the other
side without getting their clothes wet.

They were standing there in the sun waiting to drip dry before putting
their clothes back on when the little boy finally remarked, "You know, I
never did realize before just how much difference there really is between
a Baptist and a Catholic


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Remember?

Subject: Remember?

"Dachshunds are ideal dogs for small children, as they have already
been stretched and pulled to such a length that the child cannot do much
harm one way or the other." – Robert Benchley

My Mom used to cut chicken, chop eggs and spread mayo on the same
cutting board with the same knife and no bleach, but we didn’t seem to get food
poisoning.

® My Mom used to defrost hamburger on the counter AND I used to eat it
raw sometimes too, our school sandwiches were wrapped in wax paper in a
brown paper bag not in ice pack coolers, but I can’t remember getting ecoli.

® Almost all of us would have rather gone swimming in the lake instead
of a pristine pool (talk about boring), no beach closures then.

® The term cell phone would have conjured up a phone in a jail cell,
and a pager was the school PA system.

® We all took gym, not PE… and risked permanent injury with a pair of
high t! op Ked’s (only worn in gym) instead of having cross-training athletic
shoes with air cushion soles and built in light reflectors. I can’t recall
any injuries but they must have happened because they tell us how much
safer we are now.

® Flunking gym was not an option… even for stupid kids! I guess PE
must be much harder than gym.

® Every year, someone taught the whole school a lesson [and provided
comic relief] by running in the halls with leather soles on linoleum tile and
hitting the wet spot. How much better off would we be today if we only
knew we could have sued the school system.

® Speaking of school, we all said prayers and sang the national anthem
and staying in detention after school caught all sorts of negative
attention. We must have had horribly damaged psyches.

® I can’t understand it. Schools didn’t offer 14 year olds an abortion
or condoms (we wouldn’t have known what either was anyway)

® What ! an archaic health system we had then. Remember school nurses?
Ours wore a hat and everything.

® I thought that I was supposed to accomplish something before I was
allowed to be proud of myself.

® I just can’t recall how bored we were without computers, Play
Station, Nintendo, X-box or 270 digital TV cable stations.

® I must be repressing that memory as I try to rationalize through the
denial of the dangers could have befallen us as we trekked off each day
about a mile down the road to some guy’s vacant lot, built forts out of
branches and pieces of plywood, made trails, and fought over who got to
be the Lone Ranger. What was that property owner thinking, letting us play
on that lot? He should have been locked up for not putting up a fence
around the property, complete with a self-closing gate and an infrared
intruder alarm.

® Oh yeah… and where was the Benadryl and sterilization kit when I
got that bee stin! g? I could have been killed!

® We played king of the hill on piles of gravel left on vacant
construction sites and when we got hurt, Mom pulled out the 48 cent bottle of
Mercurochrome (kids liked it better because it didn’t sting like iodine
did) and then we got our butt spanked. Now it’s a trip to the emergency room
followed by a 10-day dose of a $49 bottle of antibiotics and then Mom
calls the attorney to sue the contractor for leaving a horribly vicious pile
of gravel where it was such a threat.

® We didn’t act up at the neighbor’s house either because if we did, we
got our butt spanked (physical abuse) there too and then we got butt
spanked again when we got home.

® Mom invited the door to door salesman inside for coffee, kids choked
down the dust from the gravel driveway while playing with Tonka trucks
(Remember why Tonka trucks were made tough .. it wasn’t so that they could take
the rough Berber in the family ! room), and Dad drove a car with leaded gas.

® Our music had to be left inside when we went out to play and I am
sure that I nearly exhausted my imagination a couple of times when we went
on two week vacations. I should probably sue the folks now for the danger they
put us in when we all slept in campgrounds in the family tent.

® Summers were spent behind the push lawn mower and I didn’t even know
that mowers came with motors until I was 13 and we got one without an
automatic blade-stop or an auto-drive. How sick were my parents? Of course my
parents weren’t the only psychos. I recall Donny Reynolds from next door coming
over and doing his tricks on the front stoop just before he fell off. Little
did his Mom know that she could have owned our house. Instead she picked
him up and swatted him for being such a goof. It was a neighborhood run amuck.

® To top it off, not a single person I knew had ever been told that
they were from a dysfunctional family. How co! uld we possibly have known
that? We needed to get into group therapy and anger management classes!

® We were obviously so duped by so many societal ills, that we didn’t
even notice that the entire country wasn’t taking Prozac! How did we ever
survive?

® LOVE TO ALL OF US WHO SHARED THIS ERA!


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Rednecks

—-We have enjoyed the redneck jokes for years. It’s time to take a reflective look at the core beliefs of a culture that values home, family, country and God. If I had to stand before a dozen terrorists who threaten my life, I’d choose a half dozen or so rednecks to back me up. Tire irons, squirrel guns and grit — that’s what rednecks are made of. I hope I am one of those. If you feel the same, pass this on to your redneck friends. Ya’ll know who ya’ are…

You might be a redneck if: It never occurred to you to be offended by the phrase, "One nation, under God."

You might be a redneck if: You’ve never protested about seeing the 10 Commandments posted in publicplaces.

You might be a redneck if: You still say "Christmas" instead of "Winter Festival."

You might be a redneck if: You bow your head when someone prays.

You might be a redneck if: You stand and place your hand over your heart when they play the National Anthem.

You might be a redneck if: You treat Viet Nam vets with great respect, and always have.

You might be a redneck if: You’ve never burned an American flag.

You might be a redneck if: You know what you believe and you aren’t afraid to say so, no matter who is listening.

You might be a redneck if: You respect your elders and expect your kids to do the same.

You might be a redneck if: You’d give your last dollar to a friend.

If you got this email from me, it is because I believe that you, like me, have justenough Red Neck in you to have the same beliefs as those talked about in this email.


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Funny ” Forward”…Enjoy! AT

This pretty well sums up the year in e-mails.

My heartfelt appreciation goes out to all of you who have taken the time and trouble to send me "forwards" over the past 12 months.

Thank you for making me feel safe, secure, blessed, and wealthy.

Extra thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat crap in the glue on envelopes, because I now have to go get a wet towel every time I need to seal an envelope.

Also, I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper, since the people who make these
products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants, even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone might drug me with a cologne sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from, nor send packages by, UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer answer the phone, because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore and Uzbekistan.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer have any sneakers — but that will change once I receive my promised free replacement pair from Nike.

I no longer have to buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.

I no longer worry about my soul because at last count I have 363,214 angels looking out for me.

Thanks to you, I have learned that God only answers my prayers if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

I no longer take a bath alone in hotels for fear of being drugged and waking up and finding that I’ve had a kidney stolen.

I no longer have any money because I gave it to a sick girl who is about to die in the hospital (for the 258th time) but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special email program.

Yes, I want to thank you so much for looking out for me that I will now return the favor!

If you don’t send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 7 minutes, a large pigeon with a wicked case of diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. (EST) this afternoon. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor’s ex-mother-in-law’s second husband’s cousin’s beautician.


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Noah & The Ark, 2005

Subject: Noah & The Ark, 2005

In the year 2005, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in the United
States, and said, "Once again, the earth has become wicked and
over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me.

Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good
humans."

He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, "You have 6 months to build the Ark
before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard –
but no Ark.

"Noah!" He roared, "I’m about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?"

"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed. I needed a
building permit. I’ve been arguing with the inspector about the need for a
sprinkler system. My neighbors claim that I’ve violated the neighborhood
zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height
limitations. We had to go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision.

Then the Department of Transportation demanded a bond be posted for the
future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to
clear the passage for the Ark ‘s move to the sea. I told them that the sea
would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.

When I started gathering the animals, an animal rights group sued me.
They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They
argued the accommodation was too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane
to put so many animals in a confined space.

Then the EPA ruled that I couldn’t build the Ark until they’d conducted an
environmental impact study on your proposed flood.

I’m still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on
how many minorities I’m supposed to hire for my building crew.

The trades unions say I can’t use my sons. They insist I have to hire only
Union workers with Ark-building experience.

To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I’m trying to
leave the country illegally with endangered species.

So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish
this Ark."

Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched
across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean you’re not
going to destroy the world?"

"No," said the Lord. "The government beat me to it."


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INTERESTING FACTS TO KNOW

1. Budweiser beer conditions the hair

2. Pam cooking spray will dry finger nail polish

3. Cool whip will condition your hair in 15 minutes

4. Mayonnaise will KILL LICE, it will also condition your hair

5. Elmer’s Glue – paint on your face, allow it to dry, peel off and see the dead skin and blackheads if any

6. Shiny Hair – use brewed Lipton Tea

7. Sunburn – empty a large jar of Nestea into your bath water

8. Minor burn – Colgate or Crest toothpaste

9. Burn your tongue? Put sugar on it!

10. Arthritis? WD-40 Spray and rub in, kill insect stings too

11 Bee stings – meat tenderizer

12. Chigger bite – Preparation H

13. Puffy eyes – Preparation H

14. Paper cut – crazy glue or chap stick (glue is used instead of sutures at most hospitals)

15. Stinky feet – Jello!

16. Athletes feet – cornstarch

17. Fungus on toenails or fingernails – Vicks vapor rub

18. Kool aid to clean dishwasher pipes. Just put in the detergent section and run a cycle, it will also clean a toilet. (Wow, and we drink this stuff)

19. Kool Aid can be used as a dye in paint also Kool Aid in Dannon plain yogurt as a finger paint, your kids will love it and it won’t hurt them if they eat it!

20. Peanut butter – will get scratches out of CD’s! Wipe off with a coffee filter paper

21. Sticking bicycle chain – Pam no-stick cooking spray

22. Pam will also remove paint, and grease from your hands! Keep a can in your garage for your hubby

23. Peanut butter will remove ink from the face of dolls

24. When the doll clothes are hard to put on, sprinkle with corn starch and watch them slide on

25. Heavy dandruff – pour on the vinegar!

26. Body paint – Crisco mixed with food coloring. Heat the Crisco in the microwave, pour in to an empty film container and mix with the food color of your choice!

27 Tie Dye T-shirt – mix a solution of Kool Aid in a container, tie a rubber band around a section of the T-shirt and soak

28. Preserving a newspaper clipping – large bottle of club soda and cup of milk of magnesia, soak for 20 min. and let dry, will last for many years!

29. A Slinky will hold toast and CD’s!

30. To keep goggles and glasses from fogging, coat with Colgate toothpaste

31. Wine stains, pour on the Morton salt and watch it absorb into the salt.

32. To remove wax – Take a paper towel and iron it over the wax stain, it will absorb into the towel.

33. Remove labels off glassware etc. rub with Peanut butter!

34. Baked on food d – fill container with water, get a Bounce paper softener and the static from the Bounce towel will cause the baked on food to adhere to it. Soak overnight. Also; you can use 2 Efferdent tablets,

soak overnight!

35. Crayon on the wall – Colgate toothpaste and brush it!

36. Dirty grout – Listerine

37. Stains on clothes – Colgate

38. Grass stains – Karo Syrup

39. Grease Stains – Coca Cola, it will also remove grease stains from the driveway overnight. We know it will take corrosion from car batteries!

40. Fleas in your carpet? 20 Mule Team Borax- sprinkle and let stand for 24 hours. Maybe this will work if you get them back again.

41. To keep FRESH FLOWERS longer Add a little Clorox, or 2 Bayer aspirin, or just use 7-up instead of water.

42. When you go to buy bread in the grocery store, have you ever wondered which is the freshest, so you "squeeze" for freshness or softness? Did you know that bread is delivered fresh to the stores five days a week? Monday, Tuesday, Thursday, Friday and Saturday. Each day has a different color twist tie. They are: Monday = Blue, Tuesday = Green, Thursday = Red Friday = White and Saturday = Yellow. So if today

was Thursday, you would want red twist tie; not white which is Fridays (almost a week old)! The colors go alphabetically by color Blue- Green – Red – White – Yellow, Monday through Saturday. Very

easy to remember. I thought this was interesting. I looked in the grocery store and the bread wrappers DO have different twist ties, and even the ones with the plastic clips have different colors. You learn

something new everyday! Enjoy fresh bread when you buy bread with the right color on the day you are shopping.