Gee Mail

All that stuff that the grandparents forward….

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Jokes about Aging!!!

From: Leona & Bob []
Sent: Saturday, October 29, 2011 7:58 AM
To:; Leona; Louise; Reva; Brian; Randy; Wendy
Subject: Jokes about Aging!!!

In case you think this message was sent in error – just deal with it. I did, I pushed Fwd.

Have a Great Day!

May your troubles be less.

May your blessings be more.

And may nothing but happiness come through your door..

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How the internet was started…really!

In ancient Israel , it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why dost thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?"And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, dear?"

And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will reply telling you who hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah’s Pony Stable (UPS)."

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move from his tent. To prevent neighboring countries from overhearing what the drums were saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew. It was known as Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a language to transmit ideas and pictures – Hebrew To The People (HTTP).

And the young men did take to Dot Com’s trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS.

And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the land. And indeed did insist on drums to be made that would work only with Brother Gates’ drumheads and drumsticks.

And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others." And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel , or eBay as it came to be known. He said, "We need a name that reflects what we are."

And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators." "YAHOO," said Abraham. And because it was Dot’s idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com.

Abraham’s cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot’s drums to locate things around the countryside.It soon became known as God’s Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE).

That is how it all began. And that’s the truth.

Didn’t Adam and Eve introduce the APPLE?

When Abraham and Dot Com banged on the drums, did the emails “Passover?”

Wait a minute…..when does the Queen of Toshiba come in?

Now you know where the first viruses came from.

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Baptist and Catholic

A little boy was walking down a dirt road after church one Sunday
afternoon when he came to a crossroads where he met a little girl coming
from the other direction.

"Hello," said the little boy.

"Hi," replied the little girl.

"Where are you going?" asked the little boy.

"I’ve been to church this morning and I’m on my way home," answered the
little girl.

"Me too," replied the little boy. "I’m also on my way home from church."

"Which church do you go to?" asked the little boy.

"I go to the Baptist church back down the road," replied the little girl.
"What about you?"

"I go to the Catholic church back at the top of the hill," replied the
little boy.

They discover that they are both going the same way so they decided that
they’d walk together. They came to a low spot in the road where spring
rains had partially flooded the road so there was no way that they could
get across to the ! other side without getting wet.

"If I get my new Sunday dress wet my Mom’s going to skin me alive," said
the little girl.

"My Mom’ll tan my hide too if I get my new Sunday suit wet," replied the
little boy

"I tell you what I think I’ll do," said the little girl. "I’m gonna pull
off all my clothes and hold them over my head and wade across."

"That’s a good idea," replied the little boy. "I’m going to do the same
thing with my suit." So they both undressed and waded across to the other
side without getting their clothes wet.

They were standing there in the sun waiting to drip dry before putting
their clothes back on when the little boy finally remarked, "You know, I
never did realize before just how much difference there really is between
a Baptist and a Catholic

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Subject: Remember?

"Dachshunds are ideal dogs for small children, as they have already
been stretched and pulled to such a length that the child cannot do much
harm one way or the other." – Robert Benchley

My Mom used to cut chicken, chop eggs and spread mayo on the same
cutting board with the same knife and no bleach, but we didn’t seem to get food

® My Mom used to defrost hamburger on the counter AND I used to eat it
raw sometimes too, our school sandwiches were wrapped in wax paper in a
brown paper bag not in ice pack coolers, but I can’t remember getting ecoli.

® Almost all of us would have rather gone swimming in the lake instead
of a pristine pool (talk about boring), no beach closures then.

® The term cell phone would have conjured up a phone in a jail cell,
and a pager was the school PA system.

® We all took gym, not PE… and risked permanent injury with a pair of
high t! op Ked’s (only worn in gym) instead of having cross-training athletic
shoes with air cushion soles and built in light reflectors. I can’t recall
any injuries but they must have happened because they tell us how much
safer we are now.

® Flunking gym was not an option… even for stupid kids! I guess PE
must be much harder than gym.

® Every year, someone taught the whole school a lesson [and provided
comic relief] by running in the halls with leather soles on linoleum tile and
hitting the wet spot. How much better off would we be today if we only
knew we could have sued the school system.

® Speaking of school, we all said prayers and sang the national anthem
and staying in detention after school caught all sorts of negative
attention. We must have had horribly damaged psyches.

® I can’t understand it. Schools didn’t offer 14 year olds an abortion
or condoms (we wouldn’t have known what either was anyway)

® What ! an archaic health system we had then. Remember school nurses?
Ours wore a hat and everything.

® I thought that I was supposed to accomplish something before I was
allowed to be proud of myself.

® I just can’t recall how bored we were without computers, Play
Station, Nintendo, X-box or 270 digital TV cable stations.

® I must be repressing that memory as I try to rationalize through the
denial of the dangers could have befallen us as we trekked off each day
about a mile down the road to some guy’s vacant lot, built forts out of
branches and pieces of plywood, made trails, and fought over who got to
be the Lone Ranger. What was that property owner thinking, letting us play
on that lot? He should have been locked up for not putting up a fence
around the property, complete with a self-closing gate and an infrared
intruder alarm.

® Oh yeah… and where was the Benadryl and sterilization kit when I
got that bee stin! g? I could have been killed!

® We played king of the hill on piles of gravel left on vacant
construction sites and when we got hurt, Mom pulled out the 48 cent bottle of
Mercurochrome (kids liked it better because it didn’t sting like iodine
did) and then we got our butt spanked. Now it’s a trip to the emergency room
followed by a 10-day dose of a $49 bottle of antibiotics and then Mom
calls the attorney to sue the contractor for leaving a horribly vicious pile
of gravel where it was such a threat.

® We didn’t act up at the neighbor’s house either because if we did, we
got our butt spanked (physical abuse) there too and then we got butt
spanked again when we got home.

® Mom invited the door to door salesman inside for coffee, kids choked
down the dust from the gravel driveway while playing with Tonka trucks
(Remember why Tonka trucks were made tough .. it wasn’t so that they could take
the rough Berber in the family ! room), and Dad drove a car with leaded gas.

® Our music had to be left inside when we went out to play and I am
sure that I nearly exhausted my imagination a couple of times when we went
on two week vacations. I should probably sue the folks now for the danger they
put us in when we all slept in campgrounds in the family tent.

® Summers were spent behind the push lawn mower and I didn’t even know
that mowers came with motors until I was 13 and we got one without an
automatic blade-stop or an auto-drive. How sick were my parents? Of course my
parents weren’t the only psychos. I recall Donny Reynolds from next door coming
over and doing his tricks on the front stoop just before he fell off. Little
did his Mom know that she could have owned our house. Instead she picked
him up and swatted him for being such a goof. It was a neighborhood run amuck.

® To top it off, not a single person I knew had ever been told that
they were from a dysfunctional family. How co! uld we possibly have known
that? We needed to get into group therapy and anger management classes!

® We were obviously so duped by so many societal ills, that we didn’t
even notice that the entire country wasn’t taking Prozac! How did we ever


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—-We have enjoyed the redneck jokes for years. It’s time to take a reflective look at the core beliefs of a culture that values home, family, country and God. If I had to stand before a dozen terrorists who threaten my life, I’d choose a half dozen or so rednecks to back me up. Tire irons, squirrel guns and grit — that’s what rednecks are made of. I hope I am one of those. If you feel the same, pass this on to your redneck friends. Ya’ll know who ya’ are…

You might be a redneck if: It never occurred to you to be offended by the phrase, "One nation, under God."

You might be a redneck if: You’ve never protested about seeing the 10 Commandments posted in publicplaces.

You might be a redneck if: You still say "Christmas" instead of "Winter Festival."

You might be a redneck if: You bow your head when someone prays.

You might be a redneck if: You stand and place your hand over your heart when they play the National Anthem.

You might be a redneck if: You treat Viet Nam vets with great respect, and always have.

You might be a redneck if: You’ve never burned an American flag.

You might be a redneck if: You know what you believe and you aren’t afraid to say so, no matter who is listening.

You might be a redneck if: You respect your elders and expect your kids to do the same.

You might be a redneck if: You’d give your last dollar to a friend.

If you got this email from me, it is because I believe that you, like me, have justenough Red Neck in you to have the same beliefs as those talked about in this email.

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Funny ” Forward”…Enjoy! AT

This pretty well sums up the year in e-mails.

My heartfelt appreciation goes out to all of you who have taken the time and trouble to send me "forwards" over the past 12 months.

Thank you for making me feel safe, secure, blessed, and wealthy.

Extra thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat crap in the glue on envelopes, because I now have to go get a wet towel every time I need to seal an envelope.

Also, I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper, since the people who make these
products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants, even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone might drug me with a cologne sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from, nor send packages by, UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer answer the phone, because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore and Uzbekistan.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer have any sneakers — but that will change once I receive my promised free replacement pair from Nike.

I no longer have to buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.

I no longer worry about my soul because at last count I have 363,214 angels looking out for me.

Thanks to you, I have learned that God only answers my prayers if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

I no longer take a bath alone in hotels for fear of being drugged and waking up and finding that I’ve had a kidney stolen.

I no longer have any money because I gave it to a sick girl who is about to die in the hospital (for the 258th time) but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special email program.

Yes, I want to thank you so much for looking out for me that I will now return the favor!

If you don’t send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 7 minutes, a large pigeon with a wicked case of diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. (EST) this afternoon. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor’s ex-mother-in-law’s second husband’s cousin’s beautician.