Gee Mail

All that stuff that the grandparents forward….


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From the Archives: S ADDAM’S LOOK-ALIKES FACE UNCERTAIN FUTUR E

Few Private Sector Jobs For Iraqi Strongman’s Doppelgangers

Of the many people who will be affected by a regime change in Iraq, perhaps none face a more uncertain fate than the look-alikes of Iraqi President Saddam Hussein.

The look-alikes, believed to be number as many as ten thousand, face dim employment prospects in a post-Saddam Iraq, where opportunities for Hussein doppelgangers are expected to be marginal at best.

“We’re looking at a tough, tough road ahead,” said Saddam Look-alike #9837, who attended the annual meeting of the Association of Saddam Look-alikes at the Baghdad Hilton over the weekend.

“Everybody thinks that when you get plastic surgery to look like Saddam Hussein, life’s a bowl of cherries,” #9837 said. “All I can say is, ‘as if!’”

The meeting of the look-alikes, which featured booths offering information about job retraining and computer skills, drew record numbers of look-alikes this year, forcing police to turn hoses on an overflow crowd of Saddams who tried to crash the gate.

While there is some optimism in Iraq that a regime change could bring Western businesses like McDonalds and Starbucks to Baghdad, the look-alikes fear that they will not make it past a first interview at such establishments.

“If you ordered a tall decaf mocha latte, would you really want it served to you by someone who looks like Saddam Hussein?” #9837 said. “I’ll be lucky to get a job in the stock room at Foot Locker.”

Their futures uncertain, many of the look-alikes are now questioning their decision to become Saddam look-alikes in the first place.

“When I went for the plastic surgery, I really didn’t think it through,” #9837 said. “I just thought it would help me get girls.”


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A classic LOTR from the archives…

Last winter some dolt (or prankster) posted an online petition suggesting that the name “The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers” was intentionally offensive to the memory of 9/11…

Though the owner of the petition spent most of the first half of the year voiding ‘false’ responses, eventually he gave up after about the first 1000 signatures (a.k.a. smart-alek remarks), but people keep posting — there are currently about 3600 signatures, of which about 2000 are sarcastic…below is the original petition, and just a smattering of some of the replies:

To: Peter Jackson and New Line Cinema

Those of us who have seen The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring know what an amazing director Peter Jackson is. When I learned that there apparently was to be a sequel, I was overjoyed. However, Peter Jackson has decided to tastelessly name the sequel “The Two Towers”. The title is clearly meant to refer to the attacks on the World Trade Center. In this post September 11 world, it is unforgivable that this should be allowed to happen. The idea is both offensive and morally repugnant. Hopefully, when Peter Jackson and, more importantly, New Line Cinema see the number of signatures on this petition, the title will be changed to something a little more sensitive.

Sincerely, The Undersigned

818. C. Hart
I think it would be best, in light of recent events, if the film was simply not shown at all. And by “recent events” I mean “that awful first Lord of the Rings film.”

1076. Sigmund Wonder
Oh thank you so much for this. Those shameless moneymongers care for nothing but themselves. Baby Jesus cries every day because of them. Every single day. Could you please start a petition to stop those fascist police from using 911 as their phone number too? That is also something that bothers me.

1102. Paul
they have no sensitivity, i wont even let my two twin kids stand next to each other out of respect for 9/11

1183. Lionel Hutz
I myself am a big Elvis fan, and if they name the third film after the book title “Return of the King” i will start my own petition….

1181. LordBunion
I think that Mr Peter Jenkins is an insensitive tard. He should be deported to New Zealand or something.

1177. Melkor
It is equally disrespectful that some people still have the nerve to use matching pairs of shoes.

1172. Joseph Minkock
How about changing it to: “Frodo’s Hilarious Journey”?

1225. Hamm Hurabi
I demand that the number two no longer be used!

1346. burt convy’s nipples
Yes, this exploitative Tolkien fellow should develop TV programs for Fox. I say change the next movie to *honor* the event: something like “Frodo, the Littlest Fireman.”

1387. Ashton Kushner
I think it should be renamed “Dude, where’s my precious?”

1443. olly
I’ll sign anything.

1434. William Shatner
I think Jackson’s choice of title is shocking and offensive. Two new buildings were recently constructed in my home town, but we managed to havethem demolished and the offenders removed from society.

1422. Ajax Cortina
While you’re at it, let’s ban the number 11. Everytime I see it, I cry.

1405. Pass
I believe Twins should be banned from entering Tower Records stores.


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HUMOR SKELTON STYLE

Below are Mr. Skelton’s tips for a happy marriage.

1. Two times a week, we go to nice restaurant, have a little beverage, then
comes good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.

2. We also sleep in separte beds, Hers is in Ontario and mine is in Tuscon.

3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. “Somewhere I
haven’t been in a long time!” she said. So I suggested the kitchen.

5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and an electric bread
maker. Then she said, “There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down!”
So I bought her an electric chair.

7. My wife told me the car wan’t running well because there was water in the
carburetor. I asked where the car was, she told me, “In the lake.”

8. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

9. She ran after the garbage truck yelling, ” Am I to late for the garbage?”
The driver siad, “No, jump in.”

10. Remember, marriage is the number one cause of divorce.

11. Statistically, 100% of all divorces start with marriage.

12. I married Miss Right, I just didn’t know her first name was Always.

13. I haven’t spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don’t like to interrrupt
her.

14. The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, “What’s on the TV?” I said,
“Dust.”


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Replacing Computers

Notice to all employees:

We will remove all laptop computers by the end of February and all
desktop computers by the end of March as a part of the ongoing
cost-cutting around the company.

Instead, everyone will be provided with an Etch-A-Sketch. There are many
reasons for doing this:

1. No boot-up problems
2. No technical glitches keeping work from being done.
3. No more wasted time reading and writing e-mails.
4. No more worries about power outages.
5. Budget savings on Upgrades unparalleled

Frequently Asked Questions from the Etch-A-Sketch Help Desk:

Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has all of these funny little lines all over the screen.
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: What’s the shortcut for Undo?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I create a New Document window?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I set the background and foreground to the same color?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: What is the proper procedure for rebooting my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I delete a document on my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I save my Etch-A-Sketch document?
A: DON’T shake it.


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What people look for in a boss…

A company, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hires a new Chief Executive Officer. This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. The room is full of workers and he wants to let them know he means business! The CEO walks up to the guy and asks, “And how much money do you make a week?”
Undaunted, the young fellow looks at him and replies, “I make $200.00 a week. Why?”
The CEO then hands the guy $200 in cash and screams, “Here’s a week’s pay, now GET OUT and don’t come back!”
Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and asks “Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did here?”
With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters, “Pizza delivery guy from Domino’s.”


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Work vs Prison

Just in case you ever get the two mixed up, this should make things a
little bit more clear . . .

IN PRISON …you spend the majority of your time in an 8X10 cell.
AT WORK …you spend the majority of your time in a 6X8 cubicle.

IN PRISON …you get three meals a day.
AT WORK …you only break for one meal and you have to pay for it.

IN PRISON …you get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK …you get more work for good behavior.

IN PRISON …the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK …you must carry around a security card and open all the doors for
yourself.

IN PRISON …you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK … you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON …you get your own toilet.
AT WORK …you have to share with an idiot who urinates on the seat.

IN PRISON …they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK …you can’t even speak to your family.

IN PRISON…expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required.
AT WORK …you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they
deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners

IN PRISON …you spend your life inside bars wanting to get out.
AT WORK … you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside
bars.

IN PRISON …you must deal with sadistic wardens.
AT WORK … they are called managers.


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REAL WOMEN

MARTHA STEWART
If you accidentally over-salt a dish while it’s still cooking, drop in a
peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant
“fix-me-up.”

Real Women
If you over-salt a dish while you are cooking, that’s too damn bad. Please
recite with me, The Real Women’s motto: “I made it and you will eat it and
I don’t care how bad it tastes.”

MARTHA STEWART
Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your
forehead. The throbbing will go away.

Real Women
Take a lime, mix it with tequila, chill and drink. You might still have
the headache, but who cares?

MARTHA STEWART
Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice
cream drips.

Real Women
Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete’s sake.
You are probably lying on the couch, with your feet up, eating it anyway.

MARTHA STEWART
To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.

Real Women
Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix and keep it in the pantry for up to a year.

MARTHA STEWART
When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry
cake mix instead and there won’t be any white mess on the outside of the cake.

Real Women
Go to the bakery. They’ll even decorate it for you.

MARTHA STEWART
Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish.

Real Women
The Mrs. Smith frozen pie directions do not include brushing egg whites
over the crust, so I just don’t do it.

MARTHA STEWART
If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dishwashing gloves.
They give a non slip grip that makes opening jars easy.

Real Women
Go ask the very cute neighbor to do it.

MARTHA STEWART
Don’t throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future
use in casseroles and sauces.

Real Women
Leftover wine??


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Potty Training

This is guaranteed to make anyone who has potty
trained a kid laugh!

My three year old son had a lot of problems with
potty training; and I was on him constantly. One
day we stopped at Taco Bellfor a quick lunch in
between errands. It was very busy, with a full
dining room.

While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny,
so of course, I checked my seven month old daughter,
and she was clean. Then I realized that Matt
had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked
him if he had an accident.

He said, “No.”

I kept thinking, “Oh Lord, that child has had an
accident and I didn’t have any clothes with me.”
Then I said, “Matt, are you sure you did not have
an accident?”

“No,” he replied.

I just knew that he must have, because the smell
was getting worse.

Sooooo….

I asked one more time, “Matt, did you have an
accident?”

Matt jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over
and spread his cheeks and yelled….
“SEE, MOM, IT’S JUST FARTS!!!”

While 20 people nearly choked to death on their
tacos, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat
down to eat his food as if nothing happened.
I was mortified!

Some kind elderly people made me feel a lot
better, when they came over and thanked me
for the best laugh they had ever had!!!

Another old gentleman stopped us in the parking
lot as we were leaving, bent over to my son and
said, “Don’t worry son” my wife accuses me of
the same thing all the time…I just never had
the nerve to make the point like you did.

HAVE A GREAT DAY! “