Gee Mail

All that stuff that the grandparents forward….


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Assault (funny)

While conducting some business at the Court House, I overheard a lady, who had been arrested for assaulting a Mammogram Technician, say, "Your Honor, I’m guilty but … there were extenuating circumstances."

The female Judge said, sarcastically, "I’d certainly like to hear those extenuating circumstances."

I did too so I listened as the lady told her story.

"Your Honor, I had a mammogram appointment, which I actually kept.

I was met by this perky little clipboard carrier smiling from ear to ear and she tilted her head to one side and crooned, "Hi! I’m Belinda! All I need you to do is step into this room right here, strip to the waist, then slip on this gown. Everything clear?"

I’m thinking, Belinda, try decaf. This ain’t rocket science.

Belinda then skipped away to prepare the chamber of horrors.

With the right side finished, Belinda flipped me (literally) to the left and said, "Hmmmm. Can you stand on your tippy toes and lean in a tad so we can get everything?" "Fine," I answered.

I was freezing, bruised, and out of air, so why not use the remaining circulation in my legs and neck to finish me off?

My body was in a holding pattern that defied gravity (with my other breast wedged between those two 4 inch pieces of square glass) when I heard and felt a zap! Complete darkness, the power was off! Belinda said, "Uh-oh, maintenance is working, bet they hit a snag."

Then she headed for the door. "Excuse me! You’re not leaving me in this vise alone are you?" I shouted. Belinda kept going and said, "Oh, you fussy puppy…the door’s wide open so you’ll have the emergency hall lights.

I’ll be right back." Before I could shout NOOOO! She disappeared.

And that’s exactly how Bubba and Earl, "maintenance men extraordinaire" found me…half-naked with part of me dangling from the Jaws of Life and the other part smashed between glass!

After exchanging a polite Hi, how’s it going type greeting, Bubba (or possibly Earl) asked, to my utter disbelief, if I knew the power was off.

Trying to disguise my hysteria, I replied with as much calmness as possible, "Uh, yes, I did but thanks anyway." "OK, you take care now" Bubba replied and waved good-bye as though I’d been standing in the line at the grocery store.

Two hours later, Belinda breezes in wearing a sheepish grin. Making no attempt to suppress her amusement, she said, "Oh I am sooo sorry!

The power came back on and I totally forgot about you! And silly me, I went to lunch. Are we upset?" "

And that, Your Honor, is exactly how her head ended up between the clamps…." The judge could hardly contain her laughter as she said "Case Dismissed!’

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Mona Lisa

Mona Lisa In The Street Of Sydney , Australia ..

This is amazingly brilliant and artistic !

Bet you a cup of coffee that you will never be able to figure out how this was achieved.

The 3,604 cups of coffee were each filled with different amounts of milk to create the different tones and shades !


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Phone Repair

PHONE REPAIR

Lawrence, Kansas, December 12, 2008

A Kansas farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called – and that on the few occasions, when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang.

The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady. He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber’s house.

The phone didn’t ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring.

Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:

1 . The dog was tied to the telephone system’s ground wire with a steel chain and collar.

2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.

3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signalling current when the number was called.

4.. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate.

5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.

Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning.


Thought you’d like to know


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Biting the Bullet

Biting the bullet – cutting expenses. I HOPE YOU WILL PARTICIPATE AND DO YOUR PART

The President ordered the cabinet to cut $100 million from the $3.5 trillion Federal budget.

I’m so impressed by this sacrifice that I have decided to do the same thing with my personal budget. I spend about $2000 a month on groceries, household expenses, medicine, utilities, etc, but it’s time to get out the budget cutting axe, go through my expenses, and cut back.

I’m going to cut my spending at exactly the same ratio, 1/35,000 of my total budget. After doing the math, it looks like instead of spending $2000 a month; I’m going to have to cut that number by six cents. Yes, I’m going to have to get by with $1999.94, but that’s what sacrifice is all about. I’ll just have to do without some things, that are, frankly, luxuries.

(Did the president actually think no one would do the math?

Please send this to everyone on your list so people understand what a load of crap this is —as if they didn’t already know)


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One Liners

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.

Fighting for peace is like fucking for virginity.

I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

If winning isn’t everything why do they keep score?

This girl rang me up one time, she says "come over, nobody is home", I went over, no one was home!

Depression is just anger without enthusiasm.

The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

Before you insult a man, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, when you insult him, you’ll be a mile away, and have his shoes.

We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling.

Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.


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Don’t Mess With Texas

PFC Joel Ramirez graduated Waxahachie HS 2007. His father is a favorite custodian for the WHS, going so far as to study the annual during the summer months so he can address students in the hall by their names. Regardless, he was killed in Afghanistan. His body arrived Friday and services were this evening at 6PM at the Civic Center. There was a tremendous turnout to honor him and his family.

Now, the rest of the story: 2 buses of protesters from the Westboro Baptist Church in Kansas were in Waxahachie to do their thing. They spent last night (Saturday) at the local Holiday Inn Express. This afternoon, when they went to mount their buses, they discovered that the buses were blocked in by abandoned vehicles. So I am told, when they called the police to complain, they were told that all units were busy handling traffic control, and that it would be at least a couple of hours before an officer could respond.

As TXDOT says, "Don’t Mess With Texas."

RIGHT ON WAXAHACHIE!!!!


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She Shot Him

She Shot Him 6 Times!

TRUE STORY FROM…
"THE HOUSTON HERALD NEWSPAPER"
IN HOUSTON , TEXAS
MARCH 5th, 2009
~

Last Thursday Night Around Midnight, A Woman From Houston , Texas Was Arrested, Jailed, And Charged With Manslaughter For Shooting A Man 6 Times In The Back As He Was Running Away With Her Purse. ~
The Following Monday Morning, The Woman Was Called In Front Of The Arraignment Judge, Sworn In, And Asked To Explain Her Actions.
The Woman Replied, "I Was Standing At The Corner Bus Stop For About 15 Minutes, Waiting For The Bus To Take Me Home After Work.
I Am A Waitress At A Local Cafe…

I Was There Alone, So I Had My Right Hand On My Pistol, That Was In My Purse, That Was Hung Over My Left Shoulder.
All Of A Sudden I Was Being Spun Around Hard To My Left. As I Caught My Balance, I Saw A Man Running Away From Me With My Purse.
I Looked Down At My Right Hand And I Saw That My Fingers Were Wrapped Tightly Around My Pistol. The Next Thing I Remember Is Saying Out Loud, " No Way Punk!
You’re Not Stealing My
Pay Check And Tips."
I Raised My Right Hand, Pointed My Pistol At The Man Running Away From Me With My Purse, And Squeezed The Trigger Of My Pistol 6 Times!
~
When Asked By The Judge,
"Why Did You Shoot The Man 6 Times?
~
The Woman Replied Under Oath,
"Because, When I Pulled The Trigger The 7th Time, It Only Went Click."
~
The Woman Was Acquitted Of All Charges.
She Was Back At Work, At The Cafe, The Next Day!

Now that’s Gun Control…..
AMEN