Assault (funny)

While conducting some business at the Court House, I overheard a lady, who had been arrested for assaulting a Mammogram Technician, say, "Your Honor, I’m guilty but … there were extenuating circumstances." The female Judge said, sarcastically, "I’d certainly like to hear those extenuating circumstances." I did too so I listened as the lady told her story. "Your Honor, I had a mammogram appointment, which I actually kept. I was met by this perky little clipboard carrier smiling from ear to ear and she tilted her head to one side and crooned, "Hi! I’m Belinda! All I need you to do is step into this room right here, strip to the waist, then slip on this gown. Everything clear?" I’m thinking, Belinda, try decaf. This ain’t rocket science. Belinda then skipped away to prepare the chamber of horrors. With the right side finished, Belinda flipped me (literally) to the left and said, "Hmmmm. Can you stand on your tippy toes and lean in a tad so we can get everything?" "Fine," I answered. I was freezing, bruised, and out of air, so why not use the remaining circulation in my legs and neck to finish me off? My body was in a holding pattern that defied gravity (with my other breast wedged between those two 4 inch pieces of square glass) when I heard and felt a zap! Complete darkness, the power was off! Belinda said, "Uh-oh, maintenance is working, bet they hit a snag." Then she headed for the door. "Excuse me! You’re not leaving me in this vise alone are you?" I shouted. Belinda kept going and said, "Oh, you fussy puppy…the door’s wide open so you’ll have the emergency hall lights. I’ll be right back." Before I could shout NOOOO! She disappeared. And that’s exactly how Bubba and Earl, "maintenance men extraordinaire" found me…half-naked with part of me dangling from the Jaws of Life and the other part smashed between glass! After exchanging a polite Hi, how’s it going type greeting, Bubba (or possibly Earl) asked, to my utter disbelief, if I knew the power was off. Trying to disguise my hysteria, I replied with as much calmness as possible, "Uh, yes, I did but thanks anyway." "OK, you take care now" Bubba replied and waved good-bye as though I’d been standing in the line at the grocery store. Two hours later, Belinda breezes in wearing a sheepish grin. Making no attempt to suppress her amusement, she said, "Oh I am sooo sorry! The power came back on and I totally forgot about you! And silly me, I went to lunch. Are we upset?" " And that, Your Honor, is exactly how her head ended up between the clamps…." The judge could hardly contain her laughter as she said "Case Dismissed!’

Mona Lisa

Mona Lisa In The Street Of Sydney , Australia .. This is amazingly brilliant and artistic ! Bet you a cup of coffee that you will never be able to figure out how this was achieved. att00001 att00002 att00003 att00004 The 3,604 cups of coffee were each filled with different amounts of milk to create the different tones and shades !

Phone Repair

PHONE REPAIR Lawrence, Kansas, December 12, 2008 A Kansas farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called – and that on the few occasions, when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang. The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady. He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber’s house. The phone didn’t ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring. Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found: 1 . The dog was tied to the telephone system’s ground wire with a steel chain and collar. 2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose. 3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signalling current when the number was called. 4.. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate. 5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring. Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning. Thought you’d like to know

Biting the Bullet

Biting the bullet – cutting expenses. I HOPE YOU WILL PARTICIPATE AND DO YOUR PART The President ordered the cabinet to cut $100 million from the $3.5 trillion Federal budget. I’m so impressed by this sacrifice that I have decided to do the same thing with my personal budget. I spend about $2000 a month on groceries, household expenses, medicine, utilities, etc, but it’s time to get out the budget cutting axe, go through my expenses, and cut back. I’m going to cut my spending at exactly the same ratio, 1/35,000 of my total budget. After doing the math, it looks like instead of spending $2000 a month; I’m going to have to cut that number by six cents. Yes, I’m going to have to get by with $1999.94, but that’s what sacrifice is all about. I’ll just have to do without some things, that are, frankly, luxuries. (Did the president actually think no one would do the math? Please send this to everyone on your list so people understand what a load of crap this is —as if they didn’t already know)

One Liners

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.

Fighting for peace is like fucking for virginity.

I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

If winning isn’t everything why do they keep score?

This girl rang me up one time, she says "come over, nobody is home", I went over, no one was home!

Depression is just anger without enthusiasm.

The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

Before you insult a man, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, when you insult him, you’ll be a mile away, and have his shoes.

We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling.

Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

Don’t Mess With Texas

PFC Joel Ramirez graduated Waxahachie HS 2007. His father is a favorite custodian for the WHS, going so far as to study the annual during the summer months so he can address students in the hall by their names. Regardless, he was killed in Afghanistan. His body arrived Friday and services were this evening at 6PM at the Civic Center. There was a tremendous turnout to honor him and his family. Now, the rest of the story: 2 buses of protesters from the Westboro Baptist Church in Kansas were in Waxahachie to do their thing. They spent last night (Saturday) at the local Holiday Inn Express. This afternoon, when they went to mount their buses, they discovered that the buses were blocked in by abandoned vehicles. So I am told, when they called the police to complain, they were told that all units were busy handling traffic control, and that it would be at least a couple of hours before an officer could respond. As TXDOT says, "Don’t Mess With Texas." RIGHT ON WAXAHACHIE!!!!

She Shot Him

She Shot Him 6 Times! TRUE STORY FROM… "THE HOUSTON HERALD NEWSPAPER" IN HOUSTON , TEXAS MARCH 5th, 2009 ~ Last Thursday Night Around Midnight, A Woman From Houston , Texas Was Arrested, Jailed, And Charged With Manslaughter For Shooting A Man 6 Times In The Back As He Was Running Away With Her Purse. ~ The Following Monday Morning, The Woman Was Called In Front Of The Arraignment Judge, Sworn In, And Asked To Explain Her Actions. The Woman Replied, "I Was Standing At The Corner Bus Stop For About 15 Minutes, Waiting For The Bus To Take Me Home After Work. I Am A Waitress At A Local Cafe… I Was There Alone, So I Had My Right Hand On My Pistol, That Was In My Purse, That Was Hung Over My Left Shoulder. All Of A Sudden I Was Being Spun Around Hard To My Left. As I Caught My Balance, I Saw A Man Running Away From Me With My Purse. I Looked Down At My Right Hand And I Saw That My Fingers Were Wrapped Tightly Around My Pistol. The Next Thing I Remember Is Saying Out Loud, " No Way Punk! You’re Not Stealing My Pay Check And Tips." I Raised My Right Hand, Pointed My Pistol At The Man Running Away From Me With My Purse, And Squeezed The Trigger Of My Pistol 6 Times! ~ When Asked By The Judge, "Why Did You Shoot The Man 6 Times? ~ The Woman Replied Under Oath, "Because, When I Pulled The Trigger The 7th Time, It Only Went Click." ~ The Woman Was Acquitted Of All Charges. She Was Back At Work, At The Cafe, The Next Day! Now that’s Gun Control….. AMEN

Croc found in Blanchard River near Findlay, OH

"Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read." — Groucho Marx A friend shared this with me. I thought it was worth sharing. Croc found in Blanchard River near Findlay,Oh Sorry — I thought you could use a little humor today!

We didn’t have the green thing

In the line at the store, the cashier told the older woman that she should bring her own grocery bag because plastic bags weren’t good for the environment. The woman apologized to him and explained, "We didn’t have the green thing back in my day." The clerk responded, "That’s our problem today. The former generation did not care enough to save our environment." He was right, that generation didn’t have the green thing in its day. Back then, they returned their milk bottles, soda bottles and beer bottles to the store. The store sent them back to the plant to be washed and sterilized and refilled, so it could use the same bottles over and over. So they really were recycled. But they didn’t have the green thing back in that customer’s day. In her day, they walked up the stairs, because they didn’t have an escalator in every store & office building. They walked to the grocery store & didn’t climb into a 300-horsepower machine every time they had to go two blocks. But she was right. They didn’t have the green thing in her day. Back then, they washed the baby’s diapers because they didn’t have the throw-away kind. They dried clothes on a line, not in an energy gobbling machine burning up 220 volts – wind and solar power really did dry the clothes. Kids got hand-me-down clothes from their brothers or sisters, not always brand-new clothing. But that old lady is right, they didn’t have the green thing back in her day. Back then, they had one TV, or radio, in the house – not a TV in every room. And the TV had a small screen the size of a handkerchief, not a screen the size of the state of Montana . In the kitchen, they blended and stirred by hand because they didn’t have electric machines to do everything for you. When they packaged a fragile item to send in the mail, they used a wadded up old newspaper to cushion it, not styrofoam or plastic bubble wrap. Back then, they didn’t fire up an engine and burn gasoline just to cut the lawn. They used a push mower that ran on human power. They exercised by working so they didn’t need to go to a health club to run on treadmills that operate on electricity. But she’s right, they didn’t have the green thing back then. They drank from a fountain when they were thirsty instead of using a cup or a plastic bottle every time they had a drink of water. They refilled their writing pens with ink instead of buying a new pen, and they replaced the razor blades in a razor instead of throwing away the whole razor just because the blade got dull. But they didn’t have the green thing back then. Back then, people took the streetcar or a bus and kids rode their bikes to school or rode the school bus instead of turning their moms into a 24-hour taxi service. They had one electrical outlet in a room, not an entire bank of sockets to power a dozen appliances. And they didn’t need a computerized gadget to receive a signal beamed from satellites 2,000 miles out in space in order to find the nearest pizza joint. But isn’t it sad the current generation laments how wasteful the old folks were just because they didn’t have the green thing back then?

The art of proof-reading

a dying art, wouldn’t you say? Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this. It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!!! They put in a correction the next day.