This is your laugh for the day
Two robins were sitting in a tree. “I’m really hungry,” said the first one. “Let’s fly down and find some lunch.” They flew down to the ground and found a nice plot of newly plowed ground that was full of worms. They ate and ate and ate till they could eat no more. “I m so full, I don’t think I can fly back up into the tree,” said the first one. “Let’s just lay back here and bask in the warm sun,” said the second. “OK,” said the first.
So they plopped down, basking in the sun. No sooner than they had fallen asleep, when a big fat tomcat up and gobbled them up. As the cat sat washing his face after his meal, he thought…
(you’re gonna like this one)
“I JUST LOVE BASKIN ROBINS.”
A Passenger in a taxi tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him something. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window. For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, then the driver said, "Please don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me." The passenger, who was also frightened, apologized and said he didn't realize that a tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much, to which the driver replied, "I'm very sorry, it's really not your fault at all. Today is my first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."
This is an actual job application a 17 year old boy submitted at a
McDonald’s fast-food establishment in Florida…and they hired him because
he was so honest and funny!
NAME: Greg Bulmash
SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.
DESIRED POSITION: Company’s President or Vice President. But seriously,
whatever’s available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn’t be
applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz
severance package. If that’s not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
SALARY: Less than I’m worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and
REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they’re better suited to a more
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP
TO 50 LBS?: Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be “Do
you have a car that runs?”
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a
winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes.
DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with
fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I’m the greatest
thing since sliced bread. Actually, I’d like to be doing that now.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR
KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.
SIGN HERE: Aries.
1. Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and
start bragging about it.
2. Don’t let anyone tell you you’re getting old. Squash their toes with
3. The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
4. Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me. I want people to
know why I look this way. I’ve traveled a long way and some of the roads
5. Maturity means being emotionally and mentally healthy. It is that time
when you know when to say yes and when to say no, and when to say WHOOPEE!
6. How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?
7. When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of
8. I don’t know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.
9. The golden years are really just metallic years, gold in the tooth,
silver in your hair, and lead in the seat.
10.Life would be infinitely happier if we could only be born at the age of
80 and gradually approach 18.
11.One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a
nice change from being young. One must wait until evening to see how
splendid the day has been.
12.Age seldom arrives smoothly or quickly. It is more often a succession
13.Yeah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.
14.Old age is when former classmates are so gray and wrinkled, and blind
they don’t recognize you.
15.If you don’t learn to laugh at trouble, you won’t have anything to laugh
at when you are old.
1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill
and a laxative on the same night.
2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the
human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its
full potential, that word would be “meetings.”
3. There is a very fine line between “hobby” and “mental
4. People who want to share their religious views with you
almost never want you to share yours with them.
5. You should not confuse your career with your life.
6. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to
take it too seriously.
7. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is
always one individual who perceives a solution and is
willing to take command. Very often, that individual is
8. Nobody cares if you can’t dance well. Just get up and
9. Never lick a steak knife.
10. Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.
11. The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.
12. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear
and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings
13. You should never say anything to a woman that even
remotely suggests that you think she’s pregnant unless you
can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
14. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless
of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic
background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that
we are above average drivers.
15. The main accomplishment of almost all organized
protests is to annoy people who are not in them.
16. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter is
not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention.
It never fails.)
17. Your friends love you anyway.
18. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a
lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals
built the Titanic.
A man is a person who, if a woman says, “Never mind, I’ll do it myself; lets
A woman is a person who, if she says to a man, “Never mind, I’ll do it
myself,” and he lets her; gets mad.
A man is a person who, if a woman says to him, “Never mind, I’ll do it
myself,” and he lets her and she get mad; says, “Now what are you mad
A woman is a person who, if she says to a man, “Never mind, I’ll do it
myself,” and he lets her and she get mad, and he says, “Now what are mad
about?” says, “If you don’t know I’m not going to tell you.”
When asked for her occupation, a woman charged with a
traffic violation said she was a schoolteacher.
The judge rose from the bench. “Madam, I have waited years
for a schoolteacher to appear before this court,” he
smiled with delight. “Now sit down at that table and
write: ‘I will not pass through a red light’ five hundred
A guy was lonely and so he decided life would be more fun if he had a pet.
So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an
After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede (100-legged bug) ,
which came in a little white box to use for his house. He took the box back
home, found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by
taking his new pet to a restaurant to have a meal.
So he asked the centipede in the box, “Would you like to go to Frank’s with
me and have a bite to eat?” But there was no answer from his new pet.
This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him
again, “How about going out and having a snack with me?”
But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a
few minutes more, thinking about the situation. He decided to ask him one
more time – this time putting his face up against the centipede’s house and
shouting,he said, “Hey, in there! Would you like to go get some food with
A tiny little voice came out of the box:……………
“I heard you the first time! I’m putting on my shoes.”
A guy was sitting in an airplane when another guy took the
seat beside him. The new guy was a wreck, pale, hands
shaking, biting his nails and moaning in fear.
“Hey, pal, what’s the matter?” said the first guy.
“I’ve been transferred to Los Angeles, California,” he
answered nervously. “They’ve got race riots, drugs, the
highest crime rate in the country…”
“Hold on,” said the first. “I’ve been in L.A all my life,
and it’s not as bad as the media says. Find a nice home,
go to work, mind your own business, enroll your kids in a
good school and it’s as safe as anywhere in the world.”
The second guy stopped shaking for a moment and said, “Oh,
thank God. I was worried to death! But if you live there
and say it’s ok, I’ll take your word for it. By the way,
what do you do for a living?”
“Me?” said the first, “I’m a tail gunner on a bread