A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when
suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of the dust cloud
towards him. The driver, a young man in a Broni suit,
Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out
the window and asked the shepherd, "If I tell you exactly
how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me
The shepherd looked at the man, obviously a yuppie, then
looked at his peacefully-grazing flock and calmly
answered, "Sure." The yuppie parked his car, whipped out
his notebook and connected it to a cell phone, then he
surfed to a NASA page on the Internet where he called up a
surveillance satellite system, scanned the area, and then
opened up a database and an Excel spreadsheet with complex
formulas. He sent an email on his Blackberry and, after a
few minutes, received a response.
Finally, he prints out a 150 page report on his hi-tech,
miniaturized printer then turns to the shepherd and says,
"You have exactly 1586 sheep." "That is correct; take one
of the sheep." said the shepherd. He watches the young man
select one of the animals and bundle it into his car.
Then the shepherd says: " If I can tell you exactly what
your business is, will you give me back my sheep?" "OK,
why not." answered the young man.
"Clearly, you are a consultant." said the shepherd.
"That’s correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess
"No guessing required." answers the shepherd. "You turned
up here although nobody called you. You want to get paid
for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked,
and you don’t know anything about my business. Now give me
back my dog."
Laundry instructions on a shirt made by HEET (Korea): For best results:
Wash in cold water separately, hang dry and iron with warm iron. For not
so good results: Drag behind car through puddles, blow-dry on roof rack.
"The difference between a violin and a viola is that a viola burns
longer." – Victor Borge
"You grew up in a different world," the student said. "Today we have
television, jet planes, space travel, nuclear energy, computers…"
Taking advantage or a pause in the student’s litany, Reagan said,
"You’re right. We didn’t have those things when we were young. We
Why Dogs Can’t Use Computers*
10. He’s distracted by cats chasing his mouse.
9. SIT and STAY were hard enough; CUT and PASTE are out of the question.
8. Saliva-coated floppy disks refuse to work.
7. Three words: carpal paw syndrome.
5. The fire hydrant icon is simply too frustrating.
4. He can’t help attacking the screen when he hears "You’ve Got Mail."
3. It’s too messy to "mark" every Web site he visits.
2. The FETCH command isn’t available on all platforms.
1. He can’t stick his head out of Windows XP.
THE NEW ORDER – PIZZA DIVISION
Operator : "Thank you for calling Pizza House . May I have your…"
Customer: "Haloo, can I order.."
Operator : "Can I have your multi purpose card number first, Sir?"
Customer: "It’s eh…, hold on……6102049998-45-54610"
Operator : "OK… you’re… Mr. Johnson and you’re calling from 17 Pleasant Court, Berryvill."
Operator : Your home number is 409-465-2366, your office is 804-990-6543
and your cellphone is 765-432-8899 — Which number are you calling
from now Sir?
Customer: "Home! How did you get all my phone numbers?"
Operator : "We are connected to the Office of Home Defence system, Sir"
Customer: "May I order your Seafood Pizza…"
Operator : "That’s not a good idea Sir"
Customer: "How come?"
Operator : "According to your medical records, you have high blood pressure and even higher cholesterol level Sir"
Customer: "What?… What do you recommend then?"
Operator : "Try our Low Fat Atkins Diet. You’ll like it"
Customer: "How do you know for sure?"
Operator : "You borrowed a book entitled ‘The Atkins Diet’ from the Berryville Library last week Sir"
Customer: "OK I give up… Give me three family sized ones then, how much will that cost?
Operator : "That should be enough for your family of 10, Sir. The total
Customer: "Can I pay by credit card?"
Operator : "I’m afraid you have to pay us cash, Sir. Your credit card is over the limit and you’re owing your bank $3,720.55 since October last year. And that’s not including the late payment charges on your house loan Sir.
Customer: "I guess I have to run to the neighborhood ATM and withdraw some cash before your guy arrives"
Operator : "You can’t Sir. Based on the records, you’ve reached your daily limit on machine withdrawal today"
Customer: "Never mind just send the pizzas, I’ll have the cash ready. How long is it gonna take anyway?"
Operator : "About 45 minutes Sir, but if you can’t wait you can always come and collect it on your motorcycle…"
Operator : "According to the details in system, you own a Hog, registration number E1123…"
Customer: #*’!^ #*@%^**%^I7*"
Operator : "Better watch your language Sir. Remember on 15th July 1997 you were convicted of using abusive language on a policeman…
Operator : "Is there anything else Sir?"
Customer: "Nothing… by the way… aren’t you giving me that 3 free bottles of cola as advertised?"
Operator : "We normally would Sir, but based on your records you’re also
An absent-minded husband thought he had conquered his problem of
trying to remember his wife’s birthday and their anniversary. He
opened an account with a florist, provided that florist with the
dates and instructions to send flowers to his wife on these dates
along with an appropriate note signed, "Your loving husband."
His wife was thrilled by this new display of attention and all
went well until next year, on their anniversary, when he came
home, kissed his wife and said off-handedly, "Nice flowers,
honey. Where’d you get them?"
10 Ways to Be a Better Dad by Pastor George Pearsons 1. Respect Your Children’s Mother The best family education a child can get is having parents who respect and support one anotherwhether married or not. As Proverbs 31:28 says:
"Her children rise up and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her" (New King James Version).
2. Spend Time With Your Children
A father’s time reflects the things he treasures most. Children realize they are valuable to their father when he is as thoughtful and concerned about them as he is about his other interests. There is no greater love than a father giving of himself sacrificially to his children.
3. Communicate to Your Children on All Levels-Not Just Correction Don’t just speak to your children when they have done something wrong.
Talk to them about everything. Be interested in their views, issues and ideas. If you do this while they’re young, you’ll find dialogue won’t be so difficult when they are older.
4. Discipline and Correct With a Gentle Spirit "Fathers, do not provoke or irritate or fret your children [do not be hard on them or harass them], lest they become discouraged and sullen and morose and feel inferior and frustrated [Do not break their spirit.]" (Colossians 3:21, The Amplified Bible). When you discipline your children, be calm, yet firm. Do not discipline out of anger. Our children need loving guidance and correction. As Proverbs 3:12 says, "For whom the Lord loveth he correcteth; even as a father the son in whom he delighteth."
5. Be a Role Model to Your Children
You are being watched and studied by your children. You have the opportunity to impart character and integrity by your actions. Sons want to be "just like their dad." Daughters say they want to marry a man "just like their dad." First Thessalonians 2:10 tells us, "Ye are witnesses, and God also, how holily and justly and unblameably we behaved ourselves among you that believe."
6. Be a Teacher
"Fathers…rear them [tenderly] in the training and discipline and the counsel and admonition of the Lord" (Ephesians 6:4, The Amplified Bible). Dad, don’t leave the teaching to mom. Be alert for everyday examples you can use to teach your children the lessons of life. A father who teaches his children why things are right and wrong, encouraging them to strive for excellence, will be rewarded as his children make good choices. (See Deuteronomy 11:18-21.)
7. Get Involved in the Lives of Your Children Read to your children. Play with them. Listen to them. Go to their ballgames, school plays, band concerts, ballet recitalsstay connected to them in their world. Work with them on science projects, homework and other school activities. Eat together as a family and pray together often.
8. Show Affection
Children long for a secure place in this world. They find it in the warm embrace of a father. As a child grows, so too does his or her need for acceptance and a sense of belonging. Fill your child’s "love tank" every day with a hug, a kiss, a word of encouragement. Take every opportunity to say, "I love you." And then demonstrate that love.
9. Give Your Approval
In Matthew 3:17, the Father said of Jesus, "This is my beloved Son, in whom I am well pleased." Oftentimes children spend a lifetime waiting for their father’s approval. Don’t make your children beg for your approval or go without it. Make sure you acknowledge their accomplishments and let them know you are proud of them
10. Realize a Father’s Work Is Never Done Fathers, your support will always play a vital role in your child’s lifeno matter how old they are. Long after homework, ballgames and recitals are over, your children will still need your love, support, guidance and encouragement.
|Subject: Word "UP" please read
This two-letter word in English has more meanings than any
It is listed in the dictionary as an [adv], [prep], [adj], [n] or [v].
It’s easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the
At a meeting, why does a topic come UP? Why do we speak UP, and why
At other times this little word has real special meaning. People stir UP trouble,
To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special.
And this UP is confusing: A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP.
We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night. We seem to
To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look UP the word UP in
If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is
When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP.
When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP.
When it rains, it soaks UP the earth. When it does not rain for awhile, things
Oh….one more thing: What is the first thing you do in the morning & the last thing
U P !
Don’t screw UP.
Send this on to everyone you look UP in your address book..
Now I’ll shut UP
One last thing, I hope everyone looks UP everyday, to say thanks for all
|I’m Sick of hearing the word "Inherited"
The Washington Post babbled again today about Obama inheriting a huge deficit from Bush, blah blah blah. Amazingly enough, a lot of people swallow this nonsense.
So once more, I’ll try a short civics lesson.
Budgets do not get approved by the White House. They are passed only by CONGRESS and the party that controlled Congress since January 2007 is the Democratic Party. They controlled the budget process for FY 2008 and FY 2009, as well as FY 2010 and FY 2011. In that first year, they had to contend with George Bush, which caused them to compromise on spending, when Bush somewhat belatedly got tough on spending increases. For FY 2009, though, Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid bypassed George Bush entirely, passing continuing resolutions to keep government running until Barack Obama could take office. At that time, they passed a massive omnibus spending bill to complete the FY 2009 budgets.
And where was Barack Obama during this time? He was a member of that very Congress that passed all of these massive spending bills, and he signed the omnibus bill as President to complete FY 2009.
Let’s remember what the deficits looked like during that period:
If the Democrats inherited any deficit, it was the FY 2007 deficit, the last of the Republican budgets. That deficit was the lowest in five years, and the fourth straight decline in deficit spending. After that, Democrats in Congress took control of spending, and that includes Barack Obama, who voted for those budgets. If Obama inherited anything, he inherited it from himself.
In a nutshell, what Obama is saying is I inherited a deficit that I voted for and then I voted to expand that deficit four-fold since January 20th.
WAKE UP, AMERICA
|THE DAYS OF BLACK AND WHITE
"Good night and God bless.."
Black and White
continue to scroll down
keep scrolling down
Black and White (Under age 40? You won’t understand.)
You could hardly see the TV picture for all the snow, spread the rabbit ears as far as they go.
Pull a chair up to the TV set,
‘Good Night, David.
Good Night, Chet.’
My Mom used to cut chicken, chop eggs and spread Mayo on the same cutting board with the same knife and no bleach, but we didn’t seem to get food poisoning.
My Mom used to defrost hamburger on the counter and I used to eat it raw sometimes, too. Our school sandwiches were wrapped in wax paper in a brown paper bag, not in ice pack coolers, but I can’t remember getting e.coli.
Almost all of us would have rather gone swimming in the lake instead of a pristine pool (talk about boring), no beach closures then.
The term cell phone would have conjured up a phone in a jail cell, and a pager was the school PA system.
We all took gym, not PE…and risked permanent injury with a pair of high top Ked’s (only worn in gym) instead of having cross-training athletic shoes with air cushion soles and built in light reflectors. I can’t recall any injuries but they must have happened because they tell us how much safer we are now.
Flunking gym was not an option.. Even for stupid kids! I guess PE must be much harder than gym.
Speaking of school, we all said prayers and sang the national anthem, and staying in detention after school caught all sorts of negative attention.
We must have had horribly damaged psyches. What an archaic health system we had then. Remember school nurses?
I thought that I was supposed to accomplish something before I was allowed to be proud of myself.
I just can’t recall how bored we were without computers, Play Station, Nintendo, X-box or 270 digital TV cable stations.
Oh yeah… And where was the Benadryl and sterilization kit when I got that bee sting? I could have been killed!
We played ‘king of the hill’ on piles of gravel left on vacant construction sites, and when we got hurt, Mom pulled out the 48-cent bottle of mercurochrome (kids liked it better because it didn’t sting like iodine did) and then we got our butt spanked.
Now it’s a trip to the emergency room, followed by a 10-day dose of a $49 bottle of antibiotics, and then Mom calls the attorney to sue the contractor for leaving a horribly vicious pile of gravel where it was such a threat.
We didn’t act up at the neighbor’s house either, because if we did we got our butt spanked there and then we got our butt spanked again when we got home.
I recall Donny Reynolds from next door coming over and doing his tricks on the front stoop, just before he fell off.
Little did his Mom know that she could have owned our house.
Instead, she picked him up and swatted him for being such a goof. It was a neighborhood run amuck.
To top it off, not a single person I knew had ever been told that they were from a dysfunctional family.
How could we possibly have known that?
We needed to get into group therapy and anger management classes.
We were obviously so duped by so many societal ills, that we didn’t even notice that the entire country wasn’t taking Prozac!
How did we ever survive?
LOVE TO ALL OF US WHO SHARED THIS ERA. AND TO ALL WHO DIDN’T, SORRY FOR WHAT YOU MISSED.
A Pastor with GUTS!
Thought you might enjoy this interesting
prayer given in Kansas at
the opening session of their Senate. It seems
prayer still upsets some
people.. When Minister Joe Wright was asked to open
the new session of the Kansas Senate, everyone was expecting the usualgeneralities, but this is what they heard:
Heavenly Father, we come before you today to ask
your forgiveness and to seek your direction and
guidance. We know Your Word says, ‘Woe to those
who call evil good,’ but that is exactly what we
We have lost our spiritual equilibrium and reversed
We have exploited the poor and called it
We have rewarded laziness and called it
We have killed our unborn and called it
We have shot abortionists and called it
We have neglected to discipline our
children and called it building self esteem….
We have abused power and called it
We have coveted our neighbor’s possessions
and called it ambition.
We have polluted the air with profanity and
pornography and called it freedom of expression.
We have ridiculed the time-honored values
of our forefathers and called it enlightenment.
Search us, Oh, God, and know our hearts
today; cleanse us from every sin and set us free.
The response was immediate. A number of
legislators walked out during the prayer in
protest. In 6 short weeks, Central Christian
Church, where Rev. Wright is pastor, logged more than
5,000 phone calls with only 47 of those calls
responding negatively. The church is now receiving
international requests for copies of this prayer
from India , Africa and Korea .
Commentator Paul Harvey aired this prayer on
his radio program, ‘The Rest of the Story,’and
received a larger response to this program than any
other he has ever aired.
With the Lord’s help, may this prayer sweep
over our nation and wholeheartedly become our
desire so that we again can be called ‘one nation