Home Security

HOW TO INSTALL A HOME SECURITY SYSTEM

1. Go to Good-Will and buy a pair of size 14-16 used men’s work boots.

2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns & Ammo magazine.

3. Put four large dog dishes next to the boots and magazines.

4. Leave a note on your door that reads:

Bubba, Me, Junior, Donnie Ray and Jimmy Earl went for more ammo. Be back in an hour. Don’t mess with the pit bulls. They got the mailman this morning and messed him up bad. I don’t think Killer took part, but it was hard to tell from all the blood. Anyway, I locked all four of ’em in the house. Better wait outside. Be right back.

Cooter

Every day you need a laugh…

The Jewish E L B O W
A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife. “You come to the front door of the apartment. I am in apartment 301 . There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow, push button 301.
I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow, push 3. When you get out, I’m on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell.”
“Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow? ……… “What . . . .. .. You’re coming empty handed?”

Wise Italian Grandfather
Why Italian Fathers and Grandfathers pass their handguns down through the family.
An old Italian man is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside, Guido, I wan’ you lissina me. I wan’ you to take-a my chrome plated ..38 revolver so you will always remember me.”
“But grandpa, I really don’t like guns.. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?”
“You lissina me, boy. Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos. ”
“Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man. “Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, ‘times up’ “?

Made in the USA

ACE HARDWARE – Made in the USA – Very Encouraging READ ALL THE WAY TO THE BOTTOM! LOTS OF GOOD INFO HERE! Costco sells Goodyear wiper blades for almost half the pricethat you will pay on the outside and they are made in the U.S.A. Read and do the following. Unfortunately our politicians and top CEO’s (GE etc) have pushed for trade to China and Mexico for years so Americans are now out of work. Did You Know that there is no electric coffee maker made in the US and that The only kitchen appliances made in the US is Viking? I DIDN’T KNOW HALLMARK CARDS WERE MADE IN CHINA ! That is also why I don’t buy cards at Hallmark anymore, They are Made in China and are more expensive! I buy them at Dollar Tree – 50 cents each and made in USA I have Been looking at the blenders available on the Internet. Kitchen Aid is MADE IN The US . Top of my list already… Yesterday I was in Wal Mart looking for a wastebasket. I found some made in China for $6.99. I didn’t want to pay that much so I asked the lady if they had any others. She took me to another department And they had some at $2.50 made in USA . They are Just as good. Same As a kitchen rug I needed. I had to look, but I found some made in the USA – what a concept! – and they were $3.00 cheaper. We are being brainwashed to believe that everything that comes from China and Mexico is cheaper. Not so. I was in Lowe’s the other day and just out of curiosity, I looked At the hose attachments. They were all made in China . The next day I was In Ace Hardware and just for the heck of it I checked the hose attachments there. They were made in USA .. Start looking, people . . …In our current economic situation, every Little thing We buy or do affects someone else – most often, their job. My grandson likes Hershey’s candy. I noticed, though, that it is Now Marked "made in Mexico ." I don’t buy it anymore. My favorite toothpaste Colgate is made in Mexico … now I have switched toCrest. You have to read the labels on everything. This past weekend I was at Kroger . . . I needed 60W light bulbs andBounce dryer sheets I was in the light bulb aisle, And right next to the GE brand I Normally buy — was an off-brand labeled, "Everyday Value." I pickedup both types of bulbs and compared them: they were the same except for the price . . . the GE bulbs cost more than the Everyday Value Brand, but the thing that surprised me the most was the GE was Made in MEXICO And the Everyday Value brand was made in – you guessed it. the USA at a company in Cleveland , Ohio . It’s way past time to start finding and buying products you use Every Day that are made right here. So, on to the next Aisle: Bounce Dryer Sheets… Yep, you guessed it, Bounce cost more money and is made in Canada . The Everyday ValueBrand cost Less, and was MADE IN THE USA ! I did laundry yesterday AND the dryer sheets performed just like the Bounce Free I have been using for years, at almost half the price. MY CHALLENGE TO YOU IS to start reading the labels when you shop for everyday things and see what you can find that is made in the USA . The job you save may be your own or your neighbor’s! If you accept the challenge, pass this on to OTHERS in your address Book so we can ALL start buying American, one light bulb at a time! Stop buying from overseas companies – you’re sending the jobs there. (We should have awakened a decade ago….) Let’s get with the program and help our fellow Americans keep their jobs and create more jobs here in the USA . I passed this on .. .. . will you??? If you care about American workers, you will pass iton.

ADVICE FROM A RETIRED HUSBAND

ADVICE FROM A RETIRED HUSBAND

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there’s nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.

My name is Ron. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Carol Anne. When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Carol Anne to get a full-time job, along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work

Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don’t yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men’s Grill at the club, so eating out is not an option in the evening. I’m ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door. She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it’s not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner.

I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won’t clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour.. But, Boys, we take ’em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two, or even three days. That way, she won’t have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn’t hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points..

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half-finished mowing the lawn. I try not to make a scene. I’m a fair man.. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed orange juice and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me, too.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Carol Anne. I’m not saying that showing this much patience & consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older.
However, Guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your ageing wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.

EDITOR’S NOTE:
Ron died suddenly on January 31 of a perforated rectum. The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra-long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing, and a sledge hammer laying nearby. His wife Carol Anne was arrested and charged with murder. The all-woman jury took only 10 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defence that Ron, somehow without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club.

Shingles.. A Must Read

WHY OUR HEALTH CARE COSTS ARE SO HIGH!!!

Kevin had shingles.

Those of us who spend much time in a doctor’s office should appreciate this! Doesn’t it seem more and more that physicians are running their practices like an assembly line?
Here’s what happened to Kevin:

Kevin walked into a doctor’s office and the receptionist asked him what he had. Kevin said: ‘Shingles.’ So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.

Fifteen minutes later a nurse’s aide came out and asked Kevin what he had…
Kevin said, ‘Shingles.’ So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Kevin to wait in the examining room.

A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Kevin what he had. Kevin said, ‘Shingles..’ So the nurse gave Kevin a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Kevin to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.

An hour later the doctor came in and found Kevin sitting patiently in the nude and asked Kevin what he had.

Kevin said, ‘Shingles.’ The doctor asked, ‘Where?’

Kevin said, ‘Outside on the truck. Where do you want me to unload ’em??’

Post offices for sale

CHECK OUT the last line at the very bottom….

Post offices for sale

I recently learned that the United States has entered into a contract with one firm to sell 56 buildings that currently house U.S. Post Offices. The government has decided that it no longer needs these buildings (many of which are located on prime land in towns and cities across the country).

The sale of these properties will bring in billions of dollars and, with that, millions of dollars in commissions for the one Company that is in charge of handling the sale and negotiation of the new leases.

What makes this such a matter of concern to me is that the Company that the Government has contracted with to conduct the sales (and the corresponding leases for the new locations of the displaced post offices) is owned by Richard Blum.

What? Didn’t that name mean anything to you? Maybe I should re-phrase and say that the person that owns the company that is solely in charge of this multi -million- dollar transaction is Richard Blum the husband of Senator Dianne Feinstein .

(Not to mention that the Blum-Feinstein cabal have made millions of dollars importing goods from China, including Chinese-made AK 47s.)

CHOCOLATE TRAIN

A train made entirely of chocolate has set a new Guinness World Record as the longest chocolate structure in the world…… The sculpture, on display at the busy Brussels South station, is 112-feet (34.05 meters) long and weighs over 2,755 pounds (1250 kilos). Maltese chocolate artist Andrew Farrugia spent over 700 hours constructing the masterpiece. He said he came up with the idea of the train last year after visiting the Belgian Chocolate Festival in Bruge: "I had this idea for a while, and I said what do you think if we do this realisation of a long chocolate train, you know, because a train you can make it as long as you like. "Actually it was going to be much smaller than it was, but I kept on adding another wagon, and another wagon, and it’s the size it is today." Farrugia had previously built a smaller train of 12 feet for an event in Malta, which he said gave him insight about how to build this much larger version. There are two parts to the train. The first seven wagons are modeled after the new Belgian trains, and the rest of the train is modeled after the old train wagons, including a wagon with a bar and restaurant on board. Three days before the event, Farrugia transported the chocolate train by truck in 25 wooden boxes from Malta to Belgium. Farrugia said the train incurred considerable damage during the drive and several of the train’s walls had completely collapsed. Luckily, with hard work and little sleep, the chocolate artist was able to fix all the damages before presenting the train to the public on Monday. After measuring the length of the train and confirming no material other than chocolate was used, officials from the Guinness Book of World Records added a new category to the collection of world records and declared the train to be the longest chocolate structure in the world. 650161415 6501614151 6501614152 6501614153 6501614154 6501614155 6501614156 6501614157 6501614158 6501614159 65016141510 65016141511 65016141512 65016141513 65016141514 65016141515

Old Headstones….

A truly Happy Person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.

And, one who can enjoy browsing old cemeteries…

Some fascinating things on old tombstones!

Harry Edsel Smith of Albany, New York:
Born 1903–Died 1942.
Looked up the elevator shaft to see if the
car was on the way down. It was.

Piano’s Black Notes!

At Carnegie Hall, gospel singer Wintley Phipps delivers perhaps the most powerful rendition of Amazing Grace ever recorded. He says, "A lot of people don’t realize that just about all Negro spirituals are written on the black notes of the piano. Probably the most famous on this slave scale was written by John Newton, who used to be the captain of a slave ship, and many believe he heard this melody that sounds very much like a West African sorrow chant. And it has a haunting, haunting plaintive quality to it that reaches past your arrogance, past your pride, and it speaks to that part of you that’s in bondage. And we feel it. We feel it. It’s just one of the most amazing jjin all of human history." After sharing the noteworthy history of the song, Mr. Phipps delivers a stirring performance that brings the audience to its feet! http://www.karmatube.org/videos.php?id=1312

MURPHY’S OTHER 15 LAWS?

Some good points here…..! 1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. 2. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well. 3. He who laughs last, thinks slowest. 4. A day without sunshine is like, well, night. 5. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. 6. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t. 7. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool. 8. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there’s a 90% probability you’ll get it wrong. 9. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end-to-end, someone from California would be stupid enough to try to pass them. 10. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it. 11. The things that come to those who wait, may be the things left by those who got there first. 12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer. 13. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries. 14. God gave you toes as a device for finding furniture in the dark. 15. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of twelve people, who weren’t smart enough to get out of jury duty.