Questions That Haunt Me
I have some important questions to ask, and I’d really like an answer if you’ve got one, because they have been haunting me all my life.
How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
Once you’re in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
What disease did cured ham actually have?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Why is it that people say they ‘slept like a baby’ when babies wake up every two hours?
Why are you IN a movie, but you’re ON TV?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
Why do doctors leave the room while you change?
They’re going to see you naked anyway…
Why is ‘bra’ singular and ‘panties’ plural?
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours?
They’re both dogs!
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
Why did you just try singing the two songs above?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog’s face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
Why, Why, Why
Do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead?
Why do banks charge a fee on ‘insufficient funds’ when they know there is not enough money?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard?
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
Why is it that no matter what colour bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
Why do people keep running over a thread a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it,
then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?
How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?
Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that’s falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
And my FAVORITE…
The statistics on sanity is that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness.
Think of your three best friends — if they’re okay, then it’s you.
A Nun asked her class to write notes to God… Here are some of the notes they handed in:
Dear God – I didn’t think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset you made on Tuesday. That was cool.
Dear God – Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones, why don’t you just keep the ones you have.
Dear God – Maybe Cain and Abel would not have killed each other so much if they had their own rooms. That’s what my Mom did for me and my brother.
Dear God – If you watch me in church on Sunday, I’ll show you my new shoes.
Dear God – I bet it is very hard for you to love all of everybody in the world. There are only four people in our family and I’m having a hard time loving all of them.
Dear God – In school they told us what you do. Who does it when you’re on vacation?
Dear God – Is it true my father won’t get in Heaven if he uses his bowling words in the house?
Dear God – Did you mean for the Giraffe to look like that or was it an accident?
Dear God – Who draws the lines around the countries?
Dear God – I went to this wedding and they kissed right in the church. Is that okay?
Dear God – Did you really mean “do unto others as they do unto you?” Because if you did, then I’m gonna get my brother good.
Dear God – Thank you for the baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy.
Dear God – Please send me a pony. I never asked for anything before.You can look it up.
Dear God – I want to be just like my Daddy when I get big, but not with so much hair all over.
Dear God – You don’t have to worry about me, I always look both ways.
Dear God – I think about you sometimes, even when I’m not praying.
Dear God – Of all the people who work for you, I like Noah and David the best.
Dear God – My brother told me about being born, but it doesn’t sound right. They’re just kidding, aren’t they?
Dear God – I would like to live 900 years just like the guy in the Bible.
Dear God – We read Thomas Edison made light. But in Sunday School they said you did it. So, I bet he stole your idea.
A blonde jumps out of her car and runs up to the truck in front of her and
knocks on the door.
The trucker lowers the window, and she says “Hi, my name is Heather and
you are losing some of your load.”
The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. When the truck stops
for a red light, the girl catches up again.
She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door.Again,the trucker
lowers the window. As if they’ve never spoken, the blonde says brightly, “Hi
my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!”
Shaking his head,the trucker ignores her again and continues down the
At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath,
the blonde gets out of her car, runs up,knocks on
the truck door. The trucker lowers the window.Again she says Hi, my name is
Heather, and you are losing some of your load!”
When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light
When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back
to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says…
“Hi, my name is Kevin. It’s winter in Ohio and I’m driving the SALT TRUCK!”
“Dad,” one of my kids asked the other day, “what was your favorite fast food
when you were growing up?”
“We didn’t have fast food when I was growing up,” I informed him. “All the
food was slow.”
“C’mon, seriously. Where did you eat?”
“It was a place called ‘at home,'” I explained. “Grandma cooked every day
and when Grandpa got home from work, we sat down together at the dining room
table, and if I didn’t like what she put on my plate I was allowed to sit
there until I did like it.”
By this time, the kid was laughing so hard I was afraid he was going to
suffer serious internal damage, so I didn’t tell him the part about how I
had to have permission to leave the table. But here are some other things I
would have told him about my childhood if I figured his system could have
My parents NEVER owned their own house, wore Levis, set foot on a golf
course, traveled out of the country or had a credit card. In their later
years they had something called a revolving charge card. The card was good
only at Sears Roebuck. Or maybe it was Sears AND Roebuck. Either way,
there is no Roebuck anymore. Maybe he died. My parents never drove me to
soccer practice. This was mostly because we never had heard of soccer. But
also because we didn’t have a car. We didn’t have a television in our house
until I was 26, but some neighbors had one before that. It was, of course,
black and white, but they bought a piece of colored plastic to cover the
screen. The top third was blue, like the sky, and the bottom third was
green, like grass. The middle third was red. It was perfect for programs
that had scenes of fire trucks riding across someone’s lawn on a sunny day.
I was 13 before I tasted my first pizza. It was a Luigi’s Pizza on the west
side of town and my friend, Ronnie, took me there to try what he said was
“pizza pie.” When I bit into it, I burned the roof of my mouth and the
cheese slid off, swung down, plastered itself against my chin and burned
that, too. It’s still the best pizza I ever had. We didn’t have a car until
I was 15. Before that, the only car in our family was my grandfather’s
Plymouth. He called it a “machine.” I never had a telephone in my room.
The only phone in the house was in the living room and it was on a party
line. Before you could dial, you had to listen and make sure some people
you didn’t know weren’t already using the line. Pizzas were not delivered
to our home. But milk was. All newspapers were delivered by boys and all
boys delivered newspapers. I delivered the “Daily News” six days a week. It
cost 7 cents a paper, of which I got to keep 2 cents. On Saturday, I had
to collect the 42 cents from my customers. My favorite customers were the
ones who gave me 50 cents and told me to keep the change. My least favorite
customers were the ones who seemed to never be home on collection day.
Movie stars kissed with their mouths shut. At least, they did in the
movies. Touching someone else’s tongue with yours was called French kissing
and they didn’t do that in movies. I don’t know what they did in French
movies. French movies were dirty and we weren’t allowed to see them.
If you grew up in a generation before there was fast food, you may want to
share some of these memories with your children or grandchildren. Just don’t
blame me if they bust a gut laughing.
Growing up ain’t what it used to be.