Gee Mail

All that stuff that the grandparents forward….


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LETTERS TO GOD

A Nun asked her class to write notes to God… Here are some of the notes they handed in:

Dear God – I didn’t think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset you made on Tuesday. That was cool.

Dear God – Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones, why don’t you just keep the ones you have.

Dear God – Maybe Cain and Abel would not have killed each other so much if they had their own rooms. That’s what my Mom did for me and my brother.

Dear God – If you watch me in church on Sunday, I’ll show you my new shoes.

Dear God – I bet it is very hard for you to love all of everybody in the world. There are only four people in our family and I’m having a hard time loving all of them.

Dear God – In school they told us what you do. Who does it when you’re on vacation?

Dear God – Is it true my father won’t get in Heaven if he uses his bowling words in the house?

Dear God – Did you mean for the Giraffe to look like that or was it an accident?

Dear God – Who draws the lines around the countries?

Dear God – I went to this wedding and they kissed right in the church. Is that okay?

Dear God – Did you really mean “do unto others as they do unto you?” Because if you did, then I’m gonna get my brother good.

Dear God – Thank you for the baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy.

Dear God – Please send me a pony. I never asked for anything before.You can look it up.

Dear God – I want to be just like my Daddy when I get big, but not with so much hair all over.

Dear God – You don’t have to worry about me, I always look both ways.

Dear God – I think about you sometimes, even when I’m not praying.

Dear God – Of all the people who work for you, I like Noah and David the best.

Dear God – My brother told me about being born, but it doesn’t sound right. They’re just kidding, aren’t they?

Dear God – I would like to live 900 years just like the guy in the Bible.

Dear God – We read Thomas Edison made light. But in Sunday School they said you did it. So, I bet he stole your idea.


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Another Blonde Joke

A blonde jumps out of her car and runs up to the truck in front of her and
knocks on the door.

The trucker lowers the window, and she says “Hi, my name is Heather and
you are losing some of your load.”

The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. When the truck stops
for a red light, the girl catches up again.

She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door.Again,the trucker
lowers the window. As if they’ve never spoken, the blonde says brightly, “Hi
my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!”

Shaking his head,the trucker ignores her again and continues down the
street.

At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath,
the blonde gets out of her car, runs up,knocks on
the truck door. The trucker lowers the window.Again she says Hi, my name is
Heather, and you are losing some of your load!”

When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light
When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back
to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says…

“Hi, my name is Kevin. It’s winter in Ohio and I’m driving the SALT TRUCK!”


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GROWING UP

“Dad,” one of my kids asked the other day, “what was your favorite fast food
when you were growing up?”

“We didn’t have fast food when I was growing up,” I informed him. “All the
food was slow.”

“C’mon, seriously. Where did you eat?”

“It was a place called ‘at home,'” I explained. “Grandma cooked every day
and when Grandpa got home from work, we sat down together at the dining room
table, and if I didn’t like what she put on my plate I was allowed to sit
there until I did like it.”

By this time, the kid was laughing so hard I was afraid he was going to
suffer serious internal damage, so I didn’t tell him the part about how I
had to have permission to leave the table. But here are some other things I
would have told him about my childhood if I figured his system could have
handled it:

My parents NEVER owned their own house, wore Levis, set foot on a golf
course, traveled out of the country or had a credit card. In their later
years they had something called a revolving charge card. The card was good
only at Sears Roebuck. Or maybe it was Sears AND Roebuck. Either way,
there is no Roebuck anymore. Maybe he died. My parents never drove me to
soccer practice. This was mostly because we never had heard of soccer. But
also because we didn’t have a car. We didn’t have a television in our house
until I was 26, but some neighbors had one before that. It was, of course,
black and white, but they bought a piece of colored plastic to cover the
screen. The top third was blue, like the sky, and the bottom third was
green, like grass. The middle third was red. It was perfect for programs
that had scenes of fire trucks riding across someone’s lawn on a sunny day.
I was 13 before I tasted my first pizza. It was a Luigi’s Pizza on the west
side of town and my friend, Ronnie, took me there to try what he said was
“pizza pie.” When I bit into it, I burned the roof of my mouth and the
cheese slid off, swung down, plastered itself against my chin and burned
that, too. It’s still the best pizza I ever had. We didn’t have a car until
I was 15. Before that, the only car in our family was my grandfather’s
Plymouth. He called it a “machine.” I never had a telephone in my room.
The only phone in the house was in the living room and it was on a party
line. Before you could dial, you had to listen and make sure some people
you didn’t know weren’t already using the line. Pizzas were not delivered
to our home. But milk was. All newspapers were delivered by boys and all
boys delivered newspapers. I delivered the “Daily News” six days a week. It
cost 7 cents a paper, of which I got to keep 2 cents. On Saturday, I had
to collect the 42 cents from my customers. My favorite customers were the
ones who gave me 50 cents and told me to keep the change. My least favorite
customers were the ones who seemed to never be home on collection day.
Movie stars kissed with their mouths shut. At least, they did in the
movies. Touching someone else’s tongue with yours was called French kissing
and they didn’t do that in movies. I don’t know what they did in French
movies. French movies were dirty and we weren’t allowed to see them.

If you grew up in a generation before there was fast food, you may want to
share some of these memories with your children or grandchildren. Just don’t
blame me if they bust a gut laughing.

Growing up ain’t what it used to be.


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Redneck Medical Term

Artery………………….The study of paintings.
Benign………………….What you be after you be eight.
Bacteria………………..Back door to cafeteria.
Barium………………….What doctors do when patients die.
Cesarean Section…………A neighborhood in Rome.
Catscan…………………Searching for Kitty.
Cauterize……………….Made eye contact with her.
Colic…………………..A sheep dog.
Coma……………………A punctuation mark.
D&C…………………….Where Washington is.
Dilate………………….To live long.
Enema…………………..Not a friend.
Fester………………….Quicker than someone else.
Fibula………………….A small lie.
Genital…………………Non-Jewish person.
G.I.Series………………World Series of military baseball.
Hangnail………………..What you hang your coat on.
Impotent………………..Distinguished, well known.
Labor Pain………………Getting hurt at work.
Medical Staff……………A Doctor’s cane.
Morbid………………….A higher offer than I bid.
Nitrates………………..Cheaper than day rates.
Node……………………I knew it.
Outpatient………………A person who has fainted.
Pap Smear……………….A fatherhood test.
Pelvis………………….Second cousin to Elvis.
Post Operative…………..A letter carrier.
Recovery Room……………Place to do upholstery.
Rectum………………….Darn near killed him.
Secretion……………….Hiding something
Seizure…………………Roman emperor.
Tablet………………….A small table.
Terminal Illness…………Getting sick at the airport.
Tumor…………………..More than one.
Urine…………………..Opposite of you’re out
Varicose………………..Near


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Answering Machine at the Mental health hotline.

“Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline……”

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatededly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the
line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the
mother ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell
you which number to press.

If you are a Bipolar II ,press the number corresponding to the number
of BMW’s that you want to buy

If you are Bipolar I it doesn’t matter which number you press, no one
will answer. and you are right, no one likes you.

If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.

If you have a generalized anxiety disorder, please fidget with the
pound key until a representative comes on the line.

If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, telephone
number,date of birth,social security number, and your mother’s maiden
name.

If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, s-l-o-w-l-y
c-a-r-e-f-u-l-l-y press 0 0 0.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term
memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If
you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All operators are too busy
to talk to you.

If you are menopausal, hang up, turn on the fan, lay down, and cry.

If you are stressed out press every number, stand up and scream and
quietly go back to your work!


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Fourteen Things

Fourteen Things to do at Wal-mart while your spouse is taking his or her sweet time:

1. Get 24 boxes of condoms & randomly put them in people’s carts when they aren’t looking.

2. Set all the alarm clocks in housewares to go off at 5 minute intervals.

3. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor to the rest rooms.

4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, ‘Code 3 in housewares’,…and see what happens.

5. Go to the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M’s on lay away.

6. Move a ‘CAUTION – WET FLOOR’ sign to a carpeted area.

7. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you’ll only invite them in if they bring pillows from the bedding department.

8. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask “Why can’t you people just leave me alone?”

9. While handling guns in the hunting department ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are.

10. Dart around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the theme from’Mission Impossible’.

11. In the auto department practice your Madonna look using different size funnels.

12. Hide in the clothing rack and when people browse through say”PICK ME! PICK ME!!!!!

13. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker assume the fetal position and scream “NO! NO! It’s those voices again!” and last but not least,

14. Go into a fitting room and yell real loudly, “Hey! We’re out of toilet paper in here!”