Gee Mail

All that stuff that the grandparents forward….


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Traffic Violation

When asked for her occupation, a woman charged with a
traffic violation said she was a schoolteacher.

The judge rose from the bench. “Madam, I have waited years
for a schoolteacher to appear before this court,” he
smiled with delight. “Now sit down at that table and
write: ‘I will not pass through a red light’ five hundred
times!!”

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Centipede Snack

A guy was lonely and so he decided life would be more fun if he had a pet.
So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an
unusual pet.

After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede (100-legged bug) ,
which came in a little white box to use for his house. He took the box back
home, found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by
taking his new pet to a restaurant to have a meal.

So he asked the centipede in the box, “Would you like to go to Frank’s with
me and have a bite to eat?” But there was no answer from his new pet.

This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him
again, “How about going out and having a snack with me?”

But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a
few minutes more, thinking about the situation. He decided to ask him one
more time – this time putting his face up against the centipede’s house and
shouting,he said, “Hey, in there! Would you like to go get some food with
me?

A tiny little voice came out of the box:……………

“I heard you the first time! I’m putting on my shoes.”


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Life in Los Angeles

A guy was sitting in an airplane when another guy took the
seat beside him. The new guy was a wreck, pale, hands
shaking, biting his nails and moaning in fear.

“Hey, pal, what’s the matter?” said the first guy.

“I’ve been transferred to Los Angeles, California,” he
answered nervously. “They’ve got race riots, drugs, the
highest crime rate in the country…”

“Hold on,” said the first. “I’ve been in L.A all my life,
and it’s not as bad as the media says. Find a nice home,
go to work, mind your own business, enroll your kids in a
good school and it’s as safe as anywhere in the world.”

The second guy stopped shaking for a moment and said, “Oh,
thank God. I was worried to death! But if you live there
and say it’s ok, I’ll take your word for it. By the way,
what do you do for a living?”

“Me?” said the first, “I’m a tail gunner on a bread
truck.”


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Cleaning up the internet

As many of you know, each year the Internet must be shut down for 24 hours
in order to allow us to clean it. The cleaning process, which eliminates
dead email and inactive ftp, www and gopher sites, allows for a better
working and faster Internet.

This year, the cleaning process will take place from 12:01 a.m.. GMT on
April 1st until 12:01 a.m, GMT on April 2nd During that 24-hour period, five
powerful Internet search engines situated around the world will search the
Internet and delete any data that they find.

In order to protect your valuable data from deletion we ask that you do the
following:

1. Disconnect all terminals and local area networks from their Internet
connections.

2. Shut down all Internet servers, or disconnect them from the Internet.

3. Disconnect all disks and hardrives from any connections to the Internet.

4. Refrain from connecting any computer to the Internet in any way.

We understand the inconvenience that this may cause some Internet users, and
we apologize. However, we are certain that any inconveniences will be more
than made up for by the increased speed and efficiency of the Internet, once
it has been cleared of electronic flotsam and jetsam.

We thank you for your cooperation.

Interconnected Network Maintenance staff, Main branch, Massachusetts
Institute of Technology

Please notify your friends relatives and business associates on this event
so they too will be prepared.


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MICROSOFT Bids to Acquire Catholic Church

VATICAN CITY (AP) — In a joint press conference in St. Peter’s
Square this morning, MICROSOFT Corp. and the Vatican announced that
the Redmond software giant will acquire the Roman Catholic Church in
exchange for an unspecified number of shares of MICROSOFT common
stock. If the deal goes through, it will be the first time a
computer software company has acquired a major world religion.

With the acquisition, Pope John Paul II will become the senior
vice-president of the combined company’s new Religious Software
Division, while MICROSOFT senior vice-presidents Michael Maples and
Steven Ballmer will be invested in the College of Cardinals, said
MICROSOFT Chairman Bill Gates.

“We expect a lot of growth in the religious market in the next five
to ten years,” said Gates. “The combined resources of MICROSOFT and
the Catholic Church will allow us to make religion easier and more
fun for a broader range of people.”

Through the MICROSOFT Network, the company’s new on-line service,
“we will make the sacraments available on-line for the first time”
and revive the popular pre-Counter-Reformation practice of selling
indulgences, said Gates. “You can get Communion, confess your sins,
receive absolution — even reduce your time in Purgatory — all
without leaving your home.”

A new software application, MICROSOFT Church, will include a macro
language which you can program to download heavenly graces
automatically while you are away from your computer.

An estimated 17,000 people attended the announcement in St Peter’s
Square, watching on a 60-foot screen as comedian Don Novello — in
character as Father Guido Sarducci — hosted the event, which was
broadcast by satellite to 700 sites worldwide.

Pope John Paul II said little during the announcement. When Novello
chided Gates, “Now I guess you get to wear one of these pointy
hats,” the crowd roared, but the pontiff’s smile seemed strained.

The deal grants MICROSOFT exclusive electronic rights to the Bible
and the Vatican’s prized art collection, which includes works by
such masters as Michelangelo and Da Vinci. But critics say MICROSOFT
will face stiff challenges if it attempts to limit competitors’
access to these key intellectual properties.

“The Jewish people invented the look and feel of the holy
scriptures,” said Rabbi David Gottschalk of Philadelphia. “You take
the parting of the Red Sea — we had that thousands of years before
the Catholics came on the scene.”

But others argue that the Catholic and Jewish faiths both draw on a
common Abrahamic heritage. “The Catholic Church has just been more
successful in marketing it to a larger audience,” notes Notre Dame
theologian Father Kenneth Madigan. Over the last 2,000 years, the
Catholic Church’s market share has increased dramatically, while
Judaism, which was the first to offer many of the concepts now
touted by Christianity, lags behind.

Historically, the Church has a reputation as an aggressive
competitor, leading crusades to pressure people to upgrade to
Catholicism, and entering into exclusive licensing arrangements in
various kingdoms whereby all subjects were instilled with
Catholicism, whether or not they planned to use it. Today
Christianity is available from several denominations, but the
Catholic version is still the most widely used. The Church’s mission
is to reach “the four corners of the earth,” echoing MICROSOFT’s
vision of “a computer on every desktop and in every home”.

Gates described MICROSOFT’s long-term strategy to develop a scalable
religious architecture that will support all religions through
emulation. A single core religion will be offered with a choice of
interfaces according to the religion desired — “One religion, a
couple of different implementations,” said Gates.

The MICROSOFT move could spark a wave of mergers and acquisitions,
according to Herb Peters, a spokesman for the U.S. Southern Baptist
Conference, as other churches scramble to strengthen their position
in the increasingly competitive religious market.


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We Made it!!

According to today’s regulators and bureaucrats, those of us who were kids in the 30’s, 40’s, 50’s, 60’s, 70’s or even the early80’s, probably shouldn’t have survived.

Our baby cribs were covered with bright colored lead-based paint. 

We had no childproof lids or locks on medicine bottles, doors, or
cabinets, and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets.

Not to mention the risks we took hitchhiking …

As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags.
Riding in the back of a pickup truck
 on a warm day was always a special treat.

We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle. Horrors! 

We ate cupcakes, bread and butter, and drank soda pop with sugar in
it, but we were never overweight because we were always outside playing.

We shared one soft drink with four friends , from one bottle, and no one actually died from this.

We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then rode down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem.

We would leave home in the morning and play all day , as long as we were back when the street lights came on.No one was able to reach us all day. No cell phones. Unthinkable!

We did not have Playstations, Nintendo 64, X-Boxes, no video games at all, no 99 channels on cable, video tape movies, surround sound,
personal cell phones, personal computers, or Internet chat rooms.

We had friends! We went outside and found them.

We played dodge ball, and sometimes, the ball would really hurt.
We fell out of trees, got cut and broke bones and teeth, and there were no lawsuits from these accidents . They were accidents. No one was to blame but us.  Remember accidents?

We had fights and punched each other and got black and blue and learned to get over it.

We made up games with sticks and tennis balls and, although we were told it would happen , we did not put out any eyes.

We rode bikes or walked to a friend’s home and knocked on the door, or rang the bell or just walked in and talked to them.

Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team . Those who didn’t had to learn to deal with disappointment.

Some students weren’t as smart as others, so they failed a grade and
were held back to repeat the same grade. 
Horrors!   

Tests were not adjusted for any reason.

Our actions were our own. Consequences were expected.

The idea of  parents bailing us out if we got in trouble in school or
broke a law was unheard of.
They actually sided with the school or the law. Imagine that!

This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers, problem
solvers, and inventors, ever.

We had freedom, failure, success, and
responsibility —  and we learned how to deal with it.
And you’re one of them! 
Congratulations.

Please pass this on to others who have had the luck to grow up as kids before lawyers and government regulated our lives for our own good !!!


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Bufords got the shingles…

More and more doctors are running their practices like an assembly line.

Buford walked into a doctor’s office the other day, and the receptionist asked him what he had..

Buford said, “Shingles.”

So she took down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.

Fifteen minutes later a nurse’s aid came out and asked Buford what he had. Bufford said, “Shingles.”

So she took down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Buford to wait in the examining room.

A half-hour later a nurse came in and asked Buford what he had.  Buford said, “Shingles.”

So she gave Buford a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, told Buford to take off all his clothes and
wait for the doctor.

An hour later the doctor came in and asked Buford what he had. Buford said, “Shingles.”

The doctor said, “Where?”

Buford said, “Outside on the truck. Where do you want them?”