Gee Mail

All that stuff that the grandparents forward….


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Is there Baseball in Heaven?

Two ninety year old men, Moe and Sam, have been friends all their lives. It seems that Sam is dying, so Moe comes to visit him.

“Sam,” says Moe, “you know how we have both loved baseball all our lives. Sam, you have to do me one favor. When you go, somehow you’ve got to tell me if there’s baseball in heaven.”

Sam looks up at Moe from his death bed and says, “Moe, you’ve been my friend many years. This favor I’ll do for you.” And with that, Sam passes on.

It is midnight, a couple of nights later. Moe is sound asleep when a distant voice calls out to him, “Moe…. Moe….”

“Who is it?” says Moe sitting up suddenly. “Who is it?”

“Moe, it’s me. Sam.”

“Come on. You’re not Sam. Sam died.”

“I’m telling you,” insists the voice. “It’s me, Sam!”

“Sam? Is that really you? Where are you?”

“I’m in heaven,” says Sam, “and I’ve got to tell you, I’ve got some good news and some bad news.”

“Tell me the good news first,” says Moe.

“The good news,” says Sam “is that there is baseball in heaven.”

“Really?” says Moe, “That’s wonderful! What’s the bad news?”

“You’re pitching Tuesday!”


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Story with a moral

A teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment to get their
parents to tell them a story with a moral to it.

The next day the kids came back and one by one began telling their
stories.

Most of them were the usual “Don’t put all your eggs in one basket,”
or “don’t count your chickens before they’re hatched,” variety until the
teacher asked little Michael to tell his story.

“My daddy told me this story about my Aunt Karen,” he began.
Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in Desert Storm and her plane got hit.
She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was 2
bottles of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete.

She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn’t break and
then she landed right in the middle of 100 ! enemy troops! She killed
seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of
bullets, then she killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke, and then she killed the last ten with her bare hands!”

Good heavens,” said the horrified teacher, “what kind of moral
did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?”

“Stay away from Aunt Karen when she’s been drinking”


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Terrorist Alert

At Heathrow Airport today, an individual, later discovered to be
public school teacher, was arrested trying to board a flight while in
possession of a compass, a protractor, and a graphical calculator.

Authorities believe he is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement.
He is being charged with carrying weapons of math instruction.


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Funnies…

Can’t you play something the dog doesn’t know?

Little Harold was practicing the violin in the living
room while his father was trying to read in the den.
The family dog was lying in the den, and as the
screeching sounds of little Harold’s violin reached
his ears, he began to howl loudly.

The father listened to the dog and the violin as long as he could.
Finally he jumped up, threw down his paper and yelled above the noise:
“For Pete’s sake, can’t you play something the dog doesn’t know?!”

= = = = = = = = = =

Never To Old

Two elderly gentlemen were visiting. “I guess you’re never too old,”
the first one boasted. “Why just yesterday a pretty college girl said
she’d be interested in dating me. But to be perfectly honest, I don’t
quite understand it.”

“Well,” said his friend, “you have to remember that nowadays women are
more aggressive. They don’t mind being the one to ask.”

“No, I don’t think it’s that.”

“Well, maybe you remind her of her father.”

“No, it’s not that either. It’s just that she also mentioned something
about carbon 14.”

= = = = = = = = = =

Pumping Pun

There was a man at a gas station, pumping gas into his truck. While pumping
he got gas on his arm. He wiped some of it off, then forgot about it. He
paid for his gas and got in the truck.

As he was driving down the road, he lit up a cigarette, and the gas on his
arm caught on fire. He rolled down the window and was waving his arm about,
when he was pulled over by the cops.

The officer charged him for improper use of firearms.

= = = = = = = = = =

Grandma, who appeared to become an ever-more intimidating personality as the
years went on, was giving directions to her grown grandson who was coming to
visit with his wife:

“You come to the front door of the apartment complex. I am in apartment
14T. There is a big panel at the door. With your elbow push button 14T. I
will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in, and
with your elbow hit 14. When you get out I am on the left. With your
elbow, hit my doorbell.”

“Grandma, that sounds easy, but why am I hitting all these buttons with my
elbow?” the grandson asked.

“You’re coming empty handed … ?”

= = = = = = = = = =

On the outskirts of town, there was huge nut tree by the
cemetery fence. One day two boys filled up a bucketful
of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began
dividing the nuts.

“One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me,” said
one boy. The bucket was so full, several rolled out toward
the fence.

Cycling down the road by the cemetery was a third boy. As
he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the
cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he
heard, “One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me.”

He knew what it was. “Oh my,” he shuddered, “It’s Satan and
St. Peter dividing the souls at the cemetery.”

He cycled down the road fast as he could and found an old
man with a cane, hobbling along. “Come here quick,” said
the boy, “You won’t believe what I heard. Satan and St. Peter
are down at the cemetery dividing the souls.”

The man said, “Shooo, you brat, can’t you see I’m finding it
hard to walk as it is.”

But after several pleas, the man hobbled to the cemetery.
Standing by the fence they heard, “One for you, one for
me. One for you, one for me…”

The old man whispered, “Boy, you’ve been telling the truth.
Let’s see if we can see the devil himself.”

Shivering with fear, they peered through the fence, yet they
were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy
gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter
as they tried to get a glimpse of Satan.

At last they heard, “One for you, one for me. And one last
one for you. That’s all. Now let’s go get those nuts by the fence,
and we’ll be done.”

They say the old guy made it back to town five minutes before
the boy with the bicycle.

= = = = = = = = = =

An eccentric philosophy professor gave a one question final exam after a
semester dealing with a broad array of topics.

The class was already seated and ready to go when the professor picked
up his chair, plopped it on his desk and wrote on the board: “Using
everything we have learned this semester, prove that this chair does not
exist.”

Fingers flew, erasers erased, notebooks were filled in furious fashion.
Some students wrote over 30 pages in one hour attempting to refute the
existence of the chair. One member of the class however, was up and
finished in less than a minute.

Weeks later when the grades were posted, the rest of the group wondered
how he could have gotten an “A” when he had barely written anything at
all. His answer consisted of two words:

“What chair?”