Gee Mail

All that stuff that the grandparents forward….


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Remember when eating out was a relaxing experience? Someone else cooked
for you, served you and cleaned up after you. All you had to do was chew,
swallow and pay. No longer, though. Today, you feel like a laboratory rat
who has to struggle through a maze every time it wants a chunk of cheese:

"Good evening," the maitre d' said. "Table for four?"

"Yes, Thank you."

"Smoking or non?"

"Non smoking."

"Would you prefer to dine indoors or outdoors this evening?"

"I guess indoors would be good."

"Very well, sir," he said. "Would you like to be seated in the main
dining room, the enclosed patio, or our lovely solarium?"

"Uh, let me see...uh..."

"I can give you a table with a lovely view in our lovely solarium."

"I think the solarium would be lovely," I said.

We followed him there...

"Now, would you prefer a view overlooking the golf course, the sunset on
the lake or the majestic mountains to the West?"

"Whatever you recommend," I said.

Let HIM make a decision for a change, I thought.

He sat us by a window facing the golf course, lake or mountains. I
couldn't tell which because it was dark outside.

Then, a young man, better dressed and better looking than any of us,
presented himself at our table...

"Good evening, my name is Paul, and I'll be your waiter this evening.
Would you like a few minutes before I take your order?"

"No," I said. "I'm just a meat-and-potatoes guy, so I'll have the filet
mignon and a baked potato."

"Soup, or salad?"


"We have a mixed-green salad, hearts of palm, or a very fine endive salad
with baby shrimp."

"Just a mixed-green salad, okay?"

"Whatever you say, sir. Dressing?"

I didn't want to make another decision...

"Whatever you've got will be fine."

"We have Creamy Italian, Blue Cheese, Vinaigrette, Thousand Island, Honey
Dijon and Ranch."

"Just bring me one. Surprise me."

"Creamy Italian is our house specialty. Would that be all right, sir?"


I was curt. I was done with civility.

"And for your baked potato?"

I knew what was coming!

"I just want the baked potato dry, you understand?
I don't want anything on it."

"No butter? No sour cream?"


"No chives? No bacon chips ? "

"No! Don't you understand English? I don't want anything on it. Just
bring me a baked potato and a steak."

"Would you prefer the six, eight, or 12-ounce steak, sir?"


"Would you like that rare, medium rare, medium, medium well or well done?
Or, if you prefer, we can butterfly it for you."

"Pauly Boy," I said, "you are really starting to get me steamed."

"Which brings up the vegetables, sir. Would you like steamed broccoli,
creamed corn, sauteed zucchini, or diced carrots?"

That did it. I threw my napkin to the floor, stood up, put my face right
in his arrogant kisser and said, "How'd you like to settle this outside?"

"Fine with me, sir. Would you prefer the parking lot, the side alley or
the street in front of the restaurant?"

"I prefer right here."

Then I sucker-punched him: he ducked, then countered with a left hook
right under my eye. It was the first time all night he hadn't offered me a

I collapsed semiconscious into my chair, as someone in authority rushed
over and berated Pauly.

I felt my tie being loosened, my collar unbuttoned, hands slapping my

When I regained my senses, I saw the very concerned maitre d' right in
front of my nose.

He apologized and offered to buy me a drink, call the paramedics, whatever
I wanted.

"No, no," I said. "I'll be all right. Just bring me a glass of water."

"Yes, sir, right away," he said.

"Would you prefer imported mineral water, sparkling water, or club soda
with a wedge of lime?

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