Gee Mail

All that stuff that the grandparents forward….

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QUICKIES
Did you hear about the tragedy in College Station? In the largest
shopping mall, there was a terrible power outage. People were
stuck on the escalators for 4 hours.
............................................................
Q: Why can't you tell Aggies knock knock jokes?
A: because they interrupt to go and answer the door.

==========

HOW MANY ... TO CHANGE A LIGHTBULB

A lawyer's answer to the question:
Answer: Such number as may be deemed necessary to perform the
stated task in a timely and efficient manner within the stricture
of the following agreement: Whereas the party of the first part,
also known as 'Lawyer,' and the party of the second part, also
known as 'Lightbulb,' do hereby and forthwith agree to a
transaction wherein the party of the second part (Lightbulb) shall
be removed from the current position. The aforementioned removal
transaction shall include, but not limited to, the following steps:
(1) The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without
elevation at his option, by means of a chair, step stool, ladder,
or any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part
(Lightbulb) and rotate the party of the second part (Lightbulb) in
a counter-clockwise direction, this point being nonnegotiable.
(2) Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part
(Lightbulb) becomes separated from the party of the third part
(Receptacle),the party of the first part(Lawyer) shall have the
option of disposing of the party of the second part (Lightbulb) in
a manner consistent with all applicable state, local and federal
statutes.

==========

Double Negatives
Professor: Although in modern English the double negative is usually
taken to mean an affirmative, in many linguistic contexts the double
negative is an intensified negative, as the double affirmative is
"always" an intensified affirmative. There is no known case of a double
affirmative being used as a negative.

Student: Yeah, right.

==========

I was having lunch with my nine-year-old son, when the waitress came by
to ask if we wanted a drink. "I'll have a decapitated coffee," my son
said in all seriousness. The waitress smiled and poured him a cup.

Not to be outdone, she later returned with the coffeepot a few minutes
later and said, "Can I put a head on that for you?"

==========

Government Pipe Specifications
1. All pipe is to be made of a long hole, surrounded by metal or plastic
centered around the hole.

2. All pipe is to be hollow throughout the entire length - do not use holes
of different length than the pipe.

3. The I.D. (inside diameter) of all pipe must not exceed the O.D.
(outside diameter) - otherwise the hole will be on the outside.

4. All pipe is to be supplied with nothing in the hole so that water, steam
or other stuff can be put inside at a later date.

5. All pipe should be supplied without rust - this can be more readily
applied at the job site.
N.B. Some Vendors are now able to supply pre-rusted pipe. If available in
your area, this product is recommended as it will save a lot of time on the
job site.

6. All pipe over 500 ft (153m) in length should have the words "long pipe"
clearly painted on each end, so the Contractor will know it is a long pipe.

7. Pipe over 2 miles (3.2 km) in length must have the words "very long
pipe" painted in the middle, so the Contractor will not have to walk the
entire length of the pipe to determine whether or not it is a long pipe or a
very long pipe.

8. All pipe over 6" (152 mm) in diameter must have the words "large pipe"
painted on it, so the Contractor will not mistake it for small pipe.

9. Flanges must be used on all pipe. Flanges must have holes for bolts
quite separate from the big hole in the middle.

10. When ordering 90 degrees, 45 degrees or 30 degrees elbow, be sure to
specify right hand or left hand; otherwise you will end up going the wrong
way.

11. Be sure to specify to your vendor whether you want level, uphill or
downhill pipe. If you use downhill pipe for going uphill, the water will
flow the wrong way.

12. All couplings should have either right hand or left hand thread, but do
not mix the threads - otherwise, as the coupling is being screwed on one
pipe, it is unscrewed from the other.

==========

During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an
unusual offer.

"Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you
get to me and the part where I'm to promise to 'love, honor and obey'
and 'forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever,' I'd appreciate
it if you'd just leave that part out." He passed the minister a $100
bill and walked away satisfied.

It is now the day of the wedding, and the bride and groom have moved to
that part of the ceremony where the vows are exchanged. When it comes
time for the groom's vows, the pastor looks the young man in the eye and
says:

"Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every
command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life
and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not
ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?"

The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "I do."

The groom then leaned toward the pastor and hissed, "I thought we had a
deal."

The pastor pressed the $100 bill into the groom's hand and whispered
back, "She made me a much better offer."
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