QUICKIES Did you hear about the tragedy in College Station? In the largest shopping mall, there was a terrible power outage. People were stuck on the escalators for 4 hours. ............................................................ Q: Why can't you tell Aggies knock knock jokes? A: because they interrupt to go and answer the door. ========== HOW MANY ... TO CHANGE A LIGHTBULB A lawyer's answer to the question: Answer: Such number as may be deemed necessary to perform the stated task in a timely and efficient manner within the stricture of the following agreement: Whereas the party of the first part, also known as 'Lawyer,' and the party of the second part, also known as 'Lightbulb,' do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (Lightbulb) shall be removed from the current position. The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not limited to, the following steps: (1) The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without elevation at his option, by means of a chair, step stool, ladder, or any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part (Lightbulb) and rotate the party of the second part (Lightbulb) in a counter-clockwise direction, this point being nonnegotiable. (2) Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (Lightbulb) becomes separated from the party of the third part (Receptacle),the party of the first part(Lawyer) shall have the option of disposing of the party of the second part (Lightbulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable state, local and federal statutes. ========== Double Negatives Professor: Although in modern English the double negative is usually taken to mean an affirmative, in many linguistic contexts the double negative is an intensified negative, as the double affirmative is "always" an intensified affirmative. There is no known case of a double affirmative being used as a negative. Student: Yeah, right. ========== I was having lunch with my nine-year-old son, when the waitress came by to ask if we wanted a drink. "I'll have a decapitated coffee," my son said in all seriousness. The waitress smiled and poured him a cup. Not to be outdone, she later returned with the coffeepot a few minutes later and said, "Can I put a head on that for you?" ========== Government Pipe Specifications 1. All pipe is to be made of a long hole, surrounded by metal or plastic centered around the hole. 2. All pipe is to be hollow throughout the entire length - do not use holes of different length than the pipe. 3. The I.D. (inside diameter) of all pipe must not exceed the O.D. (outside diameter) - otherwise the hole will be on the outside. 4. All pipe is to be supplied with nothing in the hole so that water, steam or other stuff can be put inside at a later date. 5. All pipe should be supplied without rust - this can be more readily applied at the job site. N.B. Some Vendors are now able to supply pre-rusted pipe. If available in your area, this product is recommended as it will save a lot of time on the job site. 6. All pipe over 500 ft (153m) in length should have the words "long pipe" clearly painted on each end, so the Contractor will know it is a long pipe. 7. Pipe over 2 miles (3.2 km) in length must have the words "very long pipe" painted in the middle, so the Contractor will not have to walk the entire length of the pipe to determine whether or not it is a long pipe or a very long pipe. 8. All pipe over 6" (152 mm) in diameter must have the words "large pipe" painted on it, so the Contractor will not mistake it for small pipe. 9. Flanges must be used on all pipe. Flanges must have holes for bolts quite separate from the big hole in the middle. 10. When ordering 90 degrees, 45 degrees or 30 degrees elbow, be sure to specify right hand or left hand; otherwise you will end up going the wrong way. 11. Be sure to specify to your vendor whether you want level, uphill or downhill pipe. If you use downhill pipe for going uphill, the water will flow the wrong way. 12. All couplings should have either right hand or left hand thread, but do not mix the threads - otherwise, as the coupling is being screwed on one pipe, it is unscrewed from the other. ========== During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer. "Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you get to me and the part where I'm to promise to 'love, honor and obey' and 'forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever,' I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that part out." He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied. It is now the day of the wedding, and the bride and groom have moved to that part of the ceremony where the vows are exchanged. When it comes time for the groom's vows, the pastor looks the young man in the eye and says: "Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?" The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "I do." The groom then leaned toward the pastor and hissed, "I thought we had a deal." The pastor pressed the $100 bill into the groom's hand and whispered back, "She made me a much better offer."