In their nursing home, 3 elderly men are in the doctor’s office for a memory test.
The doctor asks the first man, “What is three times three?”
“274,” came the reply.
The doctor rolls his eyes and looks up at the ceiling, and says to the second man, “It’s your turn. What is three times three?”
“Tuesday,” replies the second man. The doctor shakes his head sadly, then asks the third man, “Okay, your turn. What’s three times three?”
“Nine,” says the third man.
“That’s great!” says the doctor. “How did you get that?”
“Simple,” he says, “just subtract 274 from Tuesday.”
Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument
about who was better on his computer.
They had been going at it for days, and God was tired
of hearing all the bickering.
Finally, God said, “Cool it. I am going to set up a test which will take two hours and I will judge who does the
So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and
They moused. They did Excel spreadsheets. They wrote
reports in Word. They sent faxes. They sent e-mail. They
sent out e-mail with attachments. They downloaded & uploaded. They did some genealogy & Internet reports. They made
greeting cards. They did every known job & task.
But, ten minutes before time was up, lightning suddenly
flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, the rain poured,
and, of course, the electricity went off.
Satan stared at his blue blank screen and screamed in
every curse word known in the underworld.
Jesus just sighed.
The electricity finally flickered back on, and each of
them restarted their computers.
Satan started searching frantically screaming, “It’s
gone! It’s all gone! I lost everything when the power went out!” Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all his files from the past two hours.
Satan observed this and became even more irate. “Wait!
He cheated! How did he do it?”
God shrugged and said, “Jesus saves.”
Proud to be a Baptist
A few years ago, there was a news story on the radio about a Baptist church that had a problem with the Methodists down
Some Baptists were unable to find a space in their
own parking lot because members of the nearby Methodist
church, which met earlier in the morning, got there first.
So the Baptist church had a problem.
Now they could have towed the Methodists’ cars away.
Or they could have patrolled their lot Sunday mornings.
Or they could have written a letter to the offending
church members, imploring them to park elsewhere,
but they didn’t.
Instead, they used bumper stickers.
One Sunday morning they stuck a bumper sticker
to every car in the lot — Baptist and Methodist alike.
The sticker read: “I’M PROUD TO BE A BAPTIST!”
No more parking lot problems.
A REAL PROBLEM (Another Blond Joke))
An airline captain was breaking in a very pretty new blond stewardess. The route they were flying had a stay-over in
another city. Upon their arrival the captain showed the
stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop, and stay overnight.
The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day’s route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He
knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up
wondering what happened to her.
She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn’t get out of her room.
“You can’t get out of your room?” the captain asked, “Why
The stewardess replied, “There are only three doors in here,” she sobbed. “One is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says ‘Do Not Disturb’!”
THE CLASS OF 2013
Just in case you weren’t feeling old enough today, this
will certainly change things. Each year the staff at Beloit
College in Wisconsin puts together a list to try to give
the Faculty a sense of the mindset of this year’s
The students who are started college last fall across the nation were primarily born in 1983.
Here a recent list:
They have no meaningful recollection of the Reagan Era
and probably did not know he had ever been shot.
They were prepubescent when the Persian Gulf War
There has been only one Pope in their lifetime.
They were 10 when the Soviet Union broke apart and
do not remember the Cold War.
They are too young to remember the space shuttle
Tianamen Square means nothing to them.
Bottle caps have always been screw off and plastic.
Atari predates them, as do vinyl albums.
The statement “You sound like a broken record”
means nothing to them.
They have never owned a record player.
They have likely never played Pac Man and have
never heard of Pong.
They may have never heard of an 8 track.
The Compact Disc was introduced when they were
1 year old.
They have always had an answering machine.
Most have never seen a TV set with only 13 channels,
nor have they seen a black and white TV.
They have always had cable.
There have always been VCRs, but they have no idea
what BETA was.
They cannot fathom not having a remote control.
They don’t know what a cloth baby diaper is, or know
about the “Help me, I’ve fallen and I can’t get up”
They were born the year that Walkmen were
introduced by Sony.
Roller skating has always meant inline for them.
Michael Jackson has always been white.
Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight Show.
They have no idea when or why Jordache jeans were
Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave.
They have never seen Larry Bird play.
They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.
The Vietnam War is as ancient history to them as
W.W.I, W.W.II and the Civil War.
They have no idea that Americans were ever held
hostage in Iran.
They can’t imagine what hard contact lenses are.
They don’t know who Mork was or where he was from.
(The correct answer, by the way, is Ork)
They never heard: “Where’s the beef?”, “I’d walk a mile
for a Camel,” or “De plane, de plane!”
They do not care who shot J.R. and have no idea who
Kansas, Chicago, Boston, America, and Alabama are
places, not bands.
There has always been MTV.
They don’t have a clue how to use a typewriter.
TAXES TO THE END (R)
A businessman on his deathbed called his friend and said, “Bill, I want you to promise me that when I die, you will have my remains cremated.” “And what,” his friend asked, “do you want me to do with your ashes?” The businessman said, “Just put them in an envelope and mail them to the Internal Revenue Service. Write on the envelope, ‘Now, you have everything.’ ”
SCIENCE FACTS FROM FIFTH GRADERS
* The spinal column is a long bunch of bones. The head sits on the top, and you sit on the bottom.
* It is so hot in some places that people there have to live in other places.
* Mushrooms always grow in damp places which is why they look like umbrellas.
* The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana. * Thunder is a rich source of loudness.
* Some people can tell what time it is by looking at the sun, but I never have been able to make out the numbers.
* When planets run around and around in circles, we say they are orbiting. When people do it, we say they are crazy.
* One of the main causes of dust is DIRT.
* A monsoon is a French gentleman.
* To keep milk from turning sour, keep it in the cow.
* Genetics explains why you look like your father, and if you don’t, why you should.
* Water vapor gets together in a big cloud. When it gets big enough to be called a drop, it does.
* There is a tremendous weight pushing down on the center of the Earth because so many people are stomping around there these days. * The cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation. Evaporation gets blamed for a lot of things, like when people forget to put the top on. * You can listen to thunder and tell how close you came to getting hit. If you don’t hear it, you got hit, so never mind.