Gee Mail

All that stuff that the grandparents forward….


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Sister Katherine

Sister Mary Katherine entered the Monastery of Silence.

The Priest said, ‘Sister, this is a silent monastery.You are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until directed to do so.’

Sister Mary Katherine lived in themonastery for 5 years before the Priest said to her, ‘Sister Mary Katherine,you have been here for 5 years. You may speak two words.’

Sister Mary Katherine said, ‘Hard bed.’

‘I’m sorry to hear that,’ the Priest said,’We will get you a better bed.’

After another 5 years, Sister MaryKatherine was summoned by the Priest.

‘You may say another two words, Sister Mary Katherine.’ ‘

Cold food,’ said Sister Mary Katherine, and the Priest assured her that the food would be better in the future.

On her 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Priest again called SisterMary Katherine in to his office. ‘

You may say two words today.’ ‘I quit,’ said Sister Mary Katherine.

‘It’s probably best,’ said the Priest,’You’ve done nothing but bitch ever since you got here.’


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What Causes Arthritis

WHAT CAUSES ARTHRITIS?

A drunk man who smelled of beer sat down on a subway next to a priest. The man’s tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the man turned to
the priest and asked, “Say Father, what causes arthritis?”

The priest replies, “My Son, it’s caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath.”

The drunk muttered in response, “Well, I’ll be damned”, Then returned to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. “I’m very sorry. I didn’t mean to come on so strong.
How long have you had arthritis?”

The drunk answered, “I don’t have it, Father.
I was just reading here that the Pope does.”


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Wal-Mart

1. Americans spend $36,000,000 at Wal-Mart Every hour of every day.

2. This works out to $20,928 profit every minute!

3. Wal-Mart will sell more from January 1 to St. Patrick’s Day (March 17th) than Target sells all year.

4. Wal-Mart is bigger than Home Depot + Kroger + Target +Sears + Costco + K-Mart combined.

5. Wal-Mart employs 1.6 million people, is the world’s largest private employer, and most speak English.

6. Wal-Mart is the largest company in the history of the world.

7. Wal-Mart now sells more food than Kroger and Safeway combined, and keep in mind they did this in only fifteen years.

8. During this same period, 31 big supermarket chains sought bankruptcy.

9. Wal-Mart now sells more food than any other store in the world.

10. Wal-Mart has approx 3,900 stores in the USA of which 1,906 are Super Centers; this is 1,000 more than it had five years ago.

11. This year 7.2 billion different purchasing experiences will occur at Wal-Mart stores. (Earth’s population is approximately 6.5 Billion.)

12. 90% of all Americans live within fifteen miles of a Wal-Mart.

You may think that I am complaining, but I am really laying the ground work for suggesting that MAYBE we should hire the guys who run Wal-Mart to fix the economy.

This should be read and understood by all Americans and Democrats, Republicans, EVERYONE!!

To President Obama and all 535 voting members of the Legislature

It is now official that the majority of you are corrupt and ineffective:

a.. The U.S. Postal Service was established in 1775. You have had 237 years to get it right and it is broke.

b.. Social Security was established in 1935. You have had 77 years to get it right and it is broke.

c.. Fannie Mae was established in 1938. You have had 74 years to get it right and it is broke.

d.. War on Poverty started in 1964. You have had 48 years to get it right; $1 trillion of our money is confiscated each year and transferred to “the poor” and they only want more.

e.. Medicare and Medicaid were established in 1965. You have had 47 years to get it right and they are broke.

f.. Freddie Mac was established in 1970. You have had 42 years to get it right and it is broke.

g.. The Department of Energy was created in 1977 to lessen our dependence on foreign oil. It has ballooned to 16,000 employees with a
budget of $24 billion a year and we import more oil than ever before. You had 35 years to get it right and it is an abysmal failure.

You have FAILED in every “government service” you have shoved down our throats while overspending our tax dollars.

AND YOU WANT AMERICANS TO BELIEVE YOU CAN BE TRUSTED WITH A GOVERNMENT-RUN HEALTH CARE SYSTEM??

Folks, keep this circulating. It is very well stated. Maybe it will end up in the e-mails of some of our “duly elected’ (they never read anything) and their staff will clue them in on how Americans feel.

AND

We have lost our minds to “Political Correctness” We’re “broke” & can’t help our own Seniors, Veterans, Orphans,
Homeless etc.,?

In the last months we have provided aid to Haiti , Chile , Japan and Turkey ..And Pakistan ……..previous home of Bin Laden. Literally, BILLIONS of DOLLARS!!!

Our retired seniors living on a ‘fixed income’ receive no extra aid nor do they get any special breaks–nadda beyond shopping discounts…

AND Congress wants to freeze Social Security payments…

You do know that Congress voted themselves a pay raise for 2013??? Google this–it’s true!!!


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20 ZEN TEACHINGS

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me,
for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow. In
fact, just leave me the Hell alone.

2. Sex is like air. It’s not that important unless you aren’t getting any.

3. No one is listening until you fart.

4. Always remember you’re unique. Just like everyone else.

5. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

6. If you think nobody cares whether you’re alive or dead, try missing a couple of payments.

7. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their
shoes.

8. If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.

9. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

10. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it.

11. If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything.

12. Some days you are the dog, some days you are the tree.

13. Don’t worry, it only seems kinky the first time.

14. Good judgment comes from bad experience … and most of that comes from bad judgment.

15. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

16. There are two excellent theories for arguing with women. Neither one works.

17. Generally speaking, you aren’t learning much when your lips are moving.

18. Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.

19. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our ass… then things just keep getting worse.

20. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.


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$50 Lesson

Recently, while I was working in the front yard, my neighbor stopped to chat as she returned home from walking her dog.

During our friendly conversation, I asked her little girl what she wanted to be when she grows up.

She said she wanted to be President some day.

Her mother, a liberal Democrat, stood there while I asked her, “If you were President what would be the first thing you would do?”

She replied… “I’d give food and houses to all the homeless people.” Her mother beamed with pride!

“Wow…what a worthy goal!” I said, “but you don’t have to wait until you’re President to do that!” “What do you mean?” she asked.

I told her, “You can come to my house and mow the lawn, pull weeds, and trim my bushes, and I’ll pay you $50. Then you can go over to the grocery store where the homeless guy hangs out, and you can give him the $50 to use toward food and a new house.”

She thought that over for a few seconds, then she looked me straight in the eye and asked, “Why doesn’t the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you can just pay him the $50?”

I said, “Welcome to the Republican Party.”

Her mother isn’t speaking to me.


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How To Get A Hair Dryer Through Customs…….

An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, ‘Father, may I ask a favor?’

‘Of course child. What may I do for you?’
‘Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her
birthday. It is unopened but well over the Customs limits and I’m afraid they’ll confiscate it.

Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Hide it under your Robes perhaps?’
‘I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not lie.’ ‘With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.’ When they got to Customs, she let the priest go first. The
official asked, ‘Father, do you have anything to declare?’
‘From the top of my head down to my waist I have nothing to declare.’

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, ‘And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?’
‘I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.’

Roaring with laughter, the official said, ‘Go ahead, Father. Next please!’


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Montana Breeding Bulls

Breeding Bulls

My wife and I went to the Bozeman 4H agricultural show and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said…..

‘ THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR ‘

My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs ….Smiled and said, ‘He mated 50 times last year, that’s almost once a week.’

We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said,

”THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR’

My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, ‘WOW~~That’s more than twice a week ! ………You could learn a lot from him.’

We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said,
In capital letters,

‘THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR’

My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said,
‘That’s once a day ..You could REALLY learn something from this one.’

I looked at her and said,
‘Go over and ask him if it was with the same cow…’


My condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and I should eventually make a full recovery.


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You could have heard a pin drop

At a time when our president and other politicians tend to apologize for our country’s prior actions, here’s a refresher on how some of our former patriots handled negative comments about our country.

These stories are good reminders of how proud and thankful we should always be as Americans:

JFK‘S
Secretary of State, Dean Rusk, was in

in the early 60′s when
DeGaule decided to pull out of

.. DeGaule said he wanted all US
military out of France as soon as possible.

Rusk responded, “Does that include those who are buried here?”

DeGaule did not respond.

You could have heard a pin drop.
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When in England ,
at a fairly large conference, Colin Powell was asked by the Archbishop of Canterbury if our plans for Iraq were just an example of ‘empire building’ by George Bush.

He answered by saying,
“Over the years, the United States has sent many of its fine young men and women into great peril to fight for freedom beyond our borders. The only amount of land we have ever asked for in return is enough to bury those that did not return.”

You could have heard a pin drop.
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There was a conference in France where a number of international engineers were taking part, including French and

. During a break,one of the French engineers came back into the room saying, “Have you heard the latest dumb stunt Bush has done? He has sent an aircraftcarrier to Indonesia to help the tsunami victims. What does he intend to do, bomb them?”

A Boeing engineer stood up and replied quietly: “Our carriers have three hospitals on board that can treat several hundred people; they are nuclear powered and can supply emergency electrical power to shore facilities; they have three cafeterias with the capacity to
feed 3,000 people three meals a day, they can produce several thousand
gallons of fresh water from sea water each day, and they carry half a
dozen helicopters for use in transporting victims and injured to and
from their flight deck. We have eleven such ships;how many does France have?”

You could have heard a pin drop.
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A U.S. Navy Admiral was attending a naval conference that included Admirals from the U.S. , English, Canadian, Australian and French
Navies. At a cocktail reception, he found himself standing with a large
group of officers that included personnel from most of those countries.
Everyone was chatting away in English as they sipped their drinks but a
French admiral suddenly complained that, whereas Europeans learn many languages, Americans learn only English. He then asked, “Why is it that we always have to speak English in these conferences rather than speaking French?”

Without hesitating, the American Admiral replied, “Maybe it’s because the Brit’s, Canadians, Aussie’s and Americans arranged it so you wouldn’t have to speak German.”

You could have heard a pin drop.
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AND THIS STORY FITS RIGHT IN WITH THE ABOVE…

Robert Whiting, an elderly gentleman of 83, arrived in Paris by plane. At French Customs, he took a few minutes to locate his passport
in his carry on.

“You have been to France before, monsieur?” the customs officer asked sarcastically.

Mr.. Whiting admitted that he had been to Francepreviously.

“Then you should know enough to have your passport ready.”

The American said, “The last time I was here, I didn’t have to show it.”

“Impossible. Americans always have to show their passports on arrival in France !”

The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he quietly explained, ”Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day in 1944 to help liberate this country, I couldn’t find a single Frenchmen to show a passport to.”

You could have heard a pin drop.
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