He ventured forth to bring light to the
The anointed one’s pilgrimage to the Holy Land is a miracle in action – and a
blessing to all his faithful followers
And it came to pass, in the eighth year of the reign of the evil
Bush the Younger (The Ignorant), when the whole land from the
Arabian desert to the shores of the Great Lakes had been laid
barren, that a Child appeared in the wilderness.
The Child was blessed in looks and intellect. Scion of a simple
family, offspring of a miraculous union, grandson of a typical white
person and an African peasant. And yea, as he grew, the Child
walked in the path of righteousness, with only the occasional
detour into the odd weed and a little blow.
When he was twelve years old, they found him in the temple in
the City of Chicago, arguing the finer points of community
organisation with the Prophet Jeremiah and the Elders. And the
Elders were astonished at what they heard and said among
themselves: "Verily, who is this Child that he opens our hearts and
minds to the audacity of hope?"
In the great Battles of Caucus and
Primary he smote the conniving
Hillary, wife of the deposed King
Bill the Priapic and their barbarian
hordes of Working Class Whites.
And so it was, in the fullness of
time, before the harvest month of
the appointed year, the Child
ventured forth – for the first time –
to bring the light unto all the world.
He travelled fleet of foot and light
of camel, with a small retinue that consisted only of his loyal
disciples from the tribe of the Media. He ventured first to the land
of the Hindu Kush, where the
Taleban had harboured the viper of al-Qaeda in their bosom,
raining terror on all the world.
And the Child spake and the tribes of Nato immediately loosed
the Caveats that had previously bound them. And in the great
battle that ensued the forces of the light were triumphant. For as
long as the Child stood with his arms raised aloft, the enemy
suffered great blows and the threat of terror was no more.
From there he went forth to Mesopotamia where he was received
by the great ruler al-Maliki, and al-Maliki spake unto him and
blessed his Sixteen Month Troop Withdrawal Plan even as the
imperial warrior Petraeus tried to destroy it.
And lo, in Mesopotamia, a miracle occurred. Even though the
Great Surge of Armour that the evil Bush had ordered had been a
terrible mistake, a waste of vital military resources and doomed
to end in disaster, the Child’s very presence suddenly brought
forth a great victory for the forces of the light.
And the Persians, who saw all this and were greatly fearful,
longed to speak with the Child and saw that the Child was the
bringer of peace. At the mention of his name they quickly laid
aside their intrigues and beat their uranium swords into civil nuclear energy ploughshares.
From there the Child went up to the city of Jerusalem, and
entered through the gate seated on an ass. The crowds of
network anchors who had followed him from afar cheered
"Hosanna" and waved great palm fronds and strewed them at his
In Jerusalem and in surrounding Palestine, the Child spake to the
Hebrews and the Arabs, as the Scripture had foretold. And in an
instant, the lion lay down with the lamb, and the Israelites and
Ishmaelites ended their long enmity and lived for ever after in
As word spread throughout the land about the Child’s wondrous
works, peoples from all over flocked to hear him; Hittites and
Abbasids; Obamacons and McCainiacs; Cameroonians and
And they told of strange and wondrous things that greeted the
news of the Child’s journey. Around the world, global
temperatures began to decline, and the ocean levels fell and the
great warming was over.
The Great Prophet Algore of Nobel and Oscar, who many had
believed was the anointed one, smiled and told his followers that
the Child was the one generations had been waiting for.
And there were other wonderful signs. In the city of the Street at
the Wall, spreads on interbank interest rates dropped like manna
from Heaven and rates on credit default swaps fell to the ground
as dead birds from the almond tree, and the people who had lived
in foreclosure were able to borrow again.
Black gold gushed from the ground at prices well below $140 per
barrel. In hospitals across the land the sick were cured even
though they were uninsured. And all because the Child had
And this is the testimony of one who speaks the truth and bears
witness to the truth so that you might believe. And he knows it is
the truth for he saw it all on CNN and the BBC and in the pages of
The New York Times.
Then the Child ventured forth from Israel and Palestine and
stepped onto the shores of the Old Continent. In the land of
Queen Angela of Merkel, vast multitudes gathered to hear his
voice, and he preached to them at length.
But when he had finished speaking his disciples told him the
crowd was hungry, for they had had nothing to eat all the hours
they had waited for him.
And so the Child told his disciples to fetch some food but all they
had was five loaves and a couple of frankfurters. So he took the
bread and the frankfurters and blessed them and told his disciples
to feed the multitudes. And when all had eaten their fill, the scraps
filled twelve baskets.
Thence he travelled west to Mount Sarkozy. Even the beauteous
Princess Carla of the tribe of the Bruni was struck by awe and
she was great in love with the Child, but he was tempted not.
On the Seventh Day he walked across the Channel of the Angles
to the ancient land of the hooligans. There he was welcomed with
open arms by the once great prophet Blair and his successor,
Gordon the Leper, and his successor, David the Golden One.
And suddenly, with the men appeared the archangel Gabriel and
the whole host of the heavenly choir, ranks of cherubim and
seraphim, all praising God and singing: "Yes, We Can."