This pretty well sums up the year in e-mails.
My heartfelt appreciation goes out to all of you who have taken the time and trouble to send me "forwards" over the past 12 months.
Thank you for making me feel safe, secure, blessed, and wealthy.
Extra thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat crap in the glue on envelopes, because I now have to go get a wet towel every time I need to seal an envelope.
Also, I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.
Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.
I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper, since the people who make these
products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.
I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.
I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.
I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants, even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.
I no longer go to shopping malls because someone might drug me with a cologne sample and rob me.
I no longer receive packages from, nor send packages by, UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.
I no longer answer the phone, because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore and Uzbekistan.
I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.
I no longer have any sneakers — but that will change once I receive my promised free replacement pair from Nike.
I no longer have to buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.
I no longer worry about my soul because at last count I have 363,214 angels looking out for me.
Thanks to you, I have learned that God only answers my prayers if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
I no longer take a bath alone in hotels for fear of being drugged and waking up and finding that I’ve had a kidney stolen.
I no longer have any money because I gave it to a sick girl who is about to die in the hospital (for the 258th time) but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special email program.
Yes, I want to thank you so much for looking out for me that I will now return the favor!
If you don’t send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 7 minutes, a large pigeon with a wicked case of diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. (EST) this afternoon. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor’s ex-mother-in-law’s second husband’s cousin’s beautician.