Gee Mail

All that stuff that the grandparents forward….

Humour

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A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when
suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of the dust cloud
towards him. The driver, a young man in a Broni suit,
Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out
the window and asked the shepherd, "If I tell you exactly
how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me
one?"

The shepherd looked at the man, obviously a yuppie, then
looked at his peacefully-grazing flock and calmly
answered, "Sure." The yuppie parked his car, whipped out
his notebook and connected it to a cell phone, then he
surfed to a NASA page on the Internet where he called up a
surveillance satellite system, scanned the area, and then
opened up a database and an Excel spreadsheet with complex
formulas. He sent an email on his Blackberry and, after a
few minutes, received a response.

Finally, he prints out a 150 page report on his hi-tech,
miniaturized printer then turns to the shepherd and says,
"You have exactly 1586 sheep." "That is correct; take one
of the sheep." said the shepherd. He watches the young man
select one of the animals and bundle it into his car.

Then the shepherd says: " If I can tell you exactly what
your business is, will you give me back my sheep?" "OK,
why not." answered the young man.

"Clearly, you are a consultant." said the shepherd.
"That’s correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess
that?"

"No guessing required." answers the shepherd. "You turned
up here although nobody called you. You want to get paid
for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked,
and you don’t know anything about my business. Now give me
back my dog."

==========

Laundry instructions on a shirt made by HEET (Korea): For best results:
Wash in cold water separately, hang dry and iron with warm iron. For not
so good results: Drag behind car through puddles, blow-dry on roof rack.

==========

"The difference between a violin and a viola is that a viola burns
longer." – Victor Borge

==========

"You grew up in a different world," the student said. "Today we have
television, jet planes, space travel, nuclear energy, computers…"

Taking advantage or a pause in the student’s litany, Reagan said,
"You’re right. We didn’t have those things when we were young. We
invented them."

==========

Why Dogs Can’t Use Computers*

10. He’s distracted by cats chasing his mouse.

9. SIT and STAY were hard enough; CUT and PASTE are out of the question.

8. Saliva-coated floppy disks refuse to work.

7. Three words: carpal paw syndrome.

6. Involuntary tail wagging is a dead give-away that he’s browsing
www.purina.com <http://www.purina.com> instead of working.

5. The fire hydrant icon is simply too frustrating.

4. He can’t help attacking the screen when he hears "You’ve Got Mail."

3. It’s too messy to "mark" every Web site he visits.

2. The FETCH command isn’t available on all platforms.

1. He can’t stick his head out of Windows XP.

==========
THE NEW ORDER – PIZZA DIVISION

Operator : "Thank you for calling Pizza House . May I have your…"

Customer: "Haloo, can I order.."

Operator : "Can I have your multi purpose card number first, Sir?"

Customer: "It’s eh…, hold on……6102049998-45-54610"

Operator : "OK… you’re… Mr. Johnson and you’re calling from 17 Pleasant Court, Berryvill."

Operator : Your home number is 409-465-2366, your office is 804-990-6543
and your cellphone is 765-432-8899 — Which number are you calling
from now Sir?

Customer: "Home! How did you get all my phone numbers?"

Operator : "We are connected to the Office of Home Defence system, Sir"

Customer: "May I order your Seafood Pizza…"

Operator : "That’s not a good idea Sir"

Customer: "How come?"

Operator : "According to your medical records, you have high blood pressure and even higher cholesterol level Sir"

Customer: "What?… What do you recommend then?"

Operator : "Try our Low Fat Atkins Diet. You’ll like it"

Customer: "How do you know for sure?"

Operator : "You borrowed a book entitled ‘The Atkins Diet’ from the Berryville Library last week Sir"

Customer: "OK I give up… Give me three family sized ones then, how much will that cost?

Operator : "That should be enough for your family of 10, Sir. The total
is $49.99

Customer: "Can I pay by credit card?"

Operator : "I’m afraid you have to pay us cash, Sir. Your credit card is over the limit and you’re owing your bank $3,720.55 since October last year. And that’s not including the late payment charges on your house loan Sir.

Customer: "I guess I have to run to the neighborhood ATM and withdraw some cash before your guy arrives"

Operator : "You can’t Sir. Based on the records, you’ve reached your daily limit on machine withdrawal today"

Customer: "Never mind just send the pizzas, I’ll have the cash ready. How long is it gonna take anyway?"

Operator : "About 45 minutes Sir, but if you can’t wait you can always come and collect it on your motorcycle…"

Customer: "What?!"

Operator : "According to the details in system, you own a Hog, registration number E1123…"

Customer: #*’!^ #*@%^**%^I7*"

Operator : "Better watch your language Sir. Remember on 15th July 1997 you were convicted of using abusive language on a policeman…

Customer: [Speechless]

Operator : "Is there anything else Sir?"

Customer: "Nothing… by the way… aren’t you giving me that 3 free bottles of cola as advertised?"

Operator : "We normally would Sir, but based on your records you’re also
diabetic……. "

==========

An absent-minded husband thought he had conquered his problem of
trying to remember his wife’s birthday and their anniversary. He
opened an account with a florist, provided that florist with the
dates and instructions to send flowers to his wife on these dates
along with an appropriate note signed, "Your loving husband."
His wife was thrilled by this new display of attention and all
went well until next year, on their anniversary, when he came
home, kissed his wife and said off-handedly, "Nice flowers,
honey. Where’d you get them?"

==========

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